To be feeling shit after spending time with wealthier friends

[Iwantmoreketchupplease]

Actually I'm pretty sure I am being unreasonable but I need to get it out anyway so please don't flame me I've been on here ages but have name changed for this.

DH and I met up with our best friends (two other married couples) yesterday evening. Coincidentally, the other two men have both just secured big (as in potentially life changing) promotions at work so there was a lot of talk about that as both couples are, understandably, excited about what it means for them. Both couples were already quite a bit better off than us, to the extent that sometimes when they suggest things for us all to do, places to eat etc. it's awkward because we have to say "actually we can't afford that". So now the difference between our situations will become even more pronounced I suppose. Last night one of the women was excitedly chatting about how she can now afford to give up work to be a SAHM and the other couple were talking about their plans for a 'holiday of a lifetime' next year.

I am pleased for them. Really, I am. But I also feel like DH and I are getting left behind and I suppose I'm just realising that this kind of thing will never happen for us. I've never thought of myself as a materialistic person but i'm ashamed to say I've found myself feeling quite low about it all today.

DH is currently working 50+ hour weeks and has a hellish commute on top of that. He is trying so hard to get on at work but was recently passed over for promotion (in favour of a younger, less experienced man who happens to be dating the bosses daughter) and I know he's feeling quite deflated. He has tried looking elsewhere but he works in quite a niche area and his are limited as he has no academic qualifications. He was always bright but didn't apply himself in school and left school at 16 to go out to work as soon as he could to his very difficult and chaotic home life, whereas most of our friends our educated at least to degree level. I had a well paid but very stressful part time role but was forced to give it up following a breakdown in my mental health. So I now have to work full time in a less stressful, but lower paying, low status job that I'm overqualified for. Everyday I'm talked down to by people who assume I'm uneducated or inexperienced because of my position. There is no possibility of progression and I'll never be able to go back to what I was doing before. So neither of us is where we want to be and I think last night just really brought it home to me.

I know we are lucky compared to many (we have our own home, for example) but we haven't had a holiday for years and have to budget very carefully. I know money isn't everything, but of course it would be nice to have the money to join a gym, get a cleaner, go on regular shopping trips and spa days like most of my friends do or to not have to worry if something goes wrong with the car or an appliance breaks down unexpectedly.

Any words of wisdom or advice on how to get past feeling like this would be much appreciated. I definitely don't want to distance myself from good friends just because they're doing better in life than we are but equally I don't want to feel like shit every time we get together.

I agree Ketchup it's not as simple as Do something about your situation.. you could have those things if you chose to

That's such a simplistic unrealistic attitude, often (not always) spouted by people who have never experienced financial hardship.

It doesn’t matter OP

Nine of us know who you are

And sometimes it’s good to get the negative thoughts out and explore them and think abiut them a bit ?

If you are working 87 hours a week you are on a very healthy income. I think you have lost perspective of what a high income is.

I don't think it is much help to the OP to tell her her friends must be shit and competitive and shallow - especially when she doesn't think so at all.

And then you get this kind of stereotyping -

wait till they start booking large luxury houses for group holidays and try to outdo each other cooking lobster "off the boat" and quaffing vintage wines and playing private school one upmanship.

I have 2 very close friends - both of them work in the same industry/profession but one is way more successful financially than the other. They manage to stay very good friends. There are aspects of the financially successful friend's life that no one would envy and vice versa.

OP, clearly your dh would love a promotion - and he can still look for a strive for that. You might eventually like to move into a more senior job too - plenty of time for that too. You never know what life has in store, good or bad. It is normal to feel a bit shit when those close to you are doing "better". it doesn't mean you have to ditch them as friends or label them as horrible people.

Have a read of this thread op and be thankful of your current circumstances.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3240729-To-think-unversal-credit-is-a-disaster-trigger-warning

I think it's easy to think everything must be all easy-peasy for other people and I sometimes think friends seem to be doing better than us, but then I realise they probably think we're doing really well and don't see our struggles. People, when they get more money, often ratchet their lives up a notch and feel that they can't keep on top of everything they want to.

It’s difficult when lifestyles change in a friendship group. Many years ago I was a single mother, doing part time minimum wage jobs, and most of my friends were the same. I then got a degree/training and got a decent paying job. I wouldn’t say I’m rich, but I don’t struggle either.

Slowly but surely all those friendships fizzled out. I felt guilty when they talked about money problems that I didn’t have any more. They didn’t want to hear about my latest holiday, fair enough! And gradually we had less and less in common. We never “fell out” as such but it just didn’t work any more. I think, like romantic relationships, friendships just sometimes run their course. It is a bit sad but it just goes that way sometimes.

My household income is about quadruple that of my best friend's income. She knows what my income is because she manages my accounts. It has never been any sort of issue between us because she is a fantastic woman and a great friend.

Op you are doing so well, and maybe it's early days too. Plenty of budget spa days at local pool or on groupon
Have a wonderful camping holiday, kids love it. Enjoy life with your lovely family

Can I just say, we went through similar, from both points of view through the years.

We had nowt whilst friends were doing well, and we genuinely celebrated in their success. Bloody brilliant - why not celebrate it with friends? I would be whinging if friends had life changing success and excluded me!

On the other side, we have been lucky, very lucky - financially. My bestest friend in the world is piss poor, no prospects, but so fucking happy, it would make you cry. I would pass up everything to feel the way she does😂

Friends celebrate together, commiserate together and do not give a flying fuck over who has money or 'status'

I am very lucky. I have friends who are luckier than me. I have friends who have been not so lucky. I love them equally.

Ilost I didn't think you sounded bitter. You're right that when people are stuck in a difficult situation it feels like theres no escape, and changing things isn't as easy as it might seem from the outside because of the day to day stresses of not having enough money.
I have friends far richer than me but don't really think about it. I guess its different because they've always been richer - maybe its harder if you're all on the same level and then people suddenly come into money?

I think on the OP's case what seems to be going on is her own change of circumstance has made her friend's good fortune harder to bear and I think that's understandable.

I think in a lot of other cases, envy is a really toxic emotion that has the perverse effect of diminishing what you do have by making it seem small in comparison to what you perceive others to have. It's a form of self sabotage in a way - to decrease your own happiness by devaluing your own fortune.

maybe it's harder if you're all on the same level and then people suddenly come into money
Yes I think that would suddenly alter the friendship, particularly as it's The Main Event in their lives and they want to share their excitement.

I agree that some friendships run their course and you drift apart simply because you have less and less in common.

I am a bit bitter and envious sometimes of wealth. I can only imagine the luxury of not worrying about money. Sometimes I go to bed worrying about it and wake up worrying about it.

That said, earning money is the main reason I get up some mornings so perhaps I'd be bored and unmotivated sitting on my yacht.

When I say I like talking about holidays, it genuinely makes no difference to me if people are off for a fortnights camping/house swap or a trip to Florida. I just like thinking and talking about them

That’s my take on it.

I used to be in a job where for the first couple of years, I sent a postcard from each year’s main holiday. (I was generally spending 3 weeks + up a mountain/ in the middle of nowhere, so as much as anything I was reassuring them I was still alive ).

Then I heard one colleague say that people who sent postcards to their workplace were “just bragging “. Felt a bit uneasy, though I don’t think he was particularly talking about me. Then came to the conclusion that he was talking bollocks. The wage structure where we were was pretty shallow, and I was on one of the lowest grades. My holidays only cost about £10 a day (camping, hiking etc ). The idea that people who went on holiday were somehow monied was nonsense. Oh, and of course everyone spends their money on different things: if he resented other people talking about their holidays, I (as tenant of a single room) should have resented him talking about the home he owned...but somehow didn’t.

it could be worse you could be them instead of your unique self xx hope that helps, money isnt everything although the rich people I know all have long pockets and short arms and are oblivious to others sufferings as a rule. Look at the Queen, cant see her fitting through the eye of a needle can you?

I'd say that they were a bit tactless, but I would also cut them a bit of slack, given they are excited about their good news. I would however hope that next time they would be a bit more sensitive.

To those who say ditch them and run, don't do that. These are your good friends. Remember that and remember why....good friends are too valuable and hard to come by to be dumping them over a couple of nights of being a bit insensitive.

Would it be possible when you're just with the women sometime, to light heartedly say something like 'I'm so pleased for the way things have worked out for you guys, but I'm a bit worried we're going to be left behind and not keep up with the new lifestyle you'll be developing'

That is their cue to say 'No don't be daft, we'll always be good friends and it won't be like that' and a cue to make them think a bit more about how you feel and bear in mind your situation when they plan nights out etc.

I think it's worth saying - not a big deal, long chat, but a light-hearted passing comment in general. it might make them think and also mean that you don't need to keep saying specific events are too expensive, which feels awkward.

I really hope your friendship continues. They need to be sensitive but you also need to not become hyper-sensitive about this and be always looking for their affluence or developing a feeling of insecurity. And have a think about if you are able to be satisfied with what you have....lots of people are very content with less than some people - they are happy and have great lives. Others aren't. If the latter you could consider if it's possible to boost your income. However, don't do it to 'keep up with the jones' because if that's your motivation, you'll probably always want more and never be satisfied. So have a think about your own situation, but try to be a bit more objective than just assessing it in relation to theirs.

You feel a bit hurt and vulnerable today, but you can move on from it pretty quickly if you choose to. It's fine to feel a bit sad about it, but so much better if you move on quickly and don't let it become a big thing.

We have also been on both sides of this. In 2009-2011 I was working so hard ( nights,weekends) I often felt like I didn't have either time with the DCs or much money. We know 2 other couples since student days who both had the wife SAH during this period and did significant work to their homes. I tried not to mind but sometimes it was hard. In the last couple of years my career has really taken off and I am senior enough now not do the unsocial hours. Our family has had some pretty awesome holidays in last couple of years and the house has been tarted up. I now find it uncomfortable with the friends ( parents at the state primary my DCs went to mainly) as everything I say feels like a brag , it was easier when our earnings were similar. I try to be generous but don't want it to feel like charity.

I'm not sure what the point of this is really except it can be tough on both sides when circumstances change.

We have friends who are stinking rich. So much so, that they used to spend more on our DS at Christmas than we did - it was just ‘loose change’ to them. At one stage he owned two ferraris, and he bought his mum a jag for Christmas because he thought the personalised number plate on it suited her.

We probably seem as poor as church mice compared to them, but I don’t care. I’m happy with my life. There is very little about their lives that I would swap (although that life-size Han Solo in carbonate model is quite cool but wouldn’t fit in my living room). When we meet up, I don’t expect them not to talk about their lives for fear of ‘offending’ us. They’ve lost many friends through envy.

No matter how rich you are, there is always someone richer. Spending your life being dissatisfied because there are richer people than you is totally futile.

Sorry that should read uncomfortable with the friends I made in that period eg: 2009-2011.

'' Envy is understandable. But the vast majority of people are not super wealthy, and the super wealthy have problems too.''

I can think of 2 quite comfortable couples who have it 'all', yet at the same time I personally know that both couples are unable to conceive and it causes them alot of heartache, misery and sadness. I know f another wealthy gentleman-a solicitor and a wealthy landlord who comes home to nurse his wife who was left with permanent disabilities after a stroke.... Another wealthy couple I know are in a hell as their adult children hate each other,...Another wealthy tv presenter I personally know lives all alone in an expensive house and is very lonely and is gay but can never get a partner and stands many nights in gay bars trying to chat to men who blank him....Another wealthy couple I know of 2 children are trying to deal with their 23 year old son just being diagnosed with HIV...

Believe me, the flash house and the nice car in the driveway does not equate to happiness and bliss. Life's problems are for everyone, wealth cannot shield you from life and nobody has it 'all.' The people with the perfect lives are the people we don't know all that well as my mum used to say.

I suspect those massive promotions won't come without their toll on their mental health, as you well know. I could work in a much more stressful and better paid role than I do but I've made a conscious choice to work part time, for my DD but also my own stress levels.

Thr reality is nothing ever comes free, they'll pay in blood sweat or tears for that extra cash and it's up to the individual if that's for them.

Im not stressed, we have a decent enough joint salary and we're fine with that. We've realised that we're not as young as we used to be and middle management is just fine thanks very much.

We spend our evenings relaxing and our weekends with our daughter or doing what suits us, not having a constantly on work phone. To us, that's priceless.

I do know how you feel. Dh is adopted but we are very close to his birth mum. She has another son just a few years younger than dh and he's done very well for himself and she does talk a lot about him along the lines of x is away on such and such swanky holiday, x has just bought a new range rover, x has a converted farmhouse with a boating lake as his weekend home, things like that. Mt dh works so hard to support us all but we don't have anything fancy and can't afford foreign holidays as we have 3 dc 5 and under. I feel more for him really that he must feel crap, she gave him away and then had a son who has the sun shining out of his arse. Fwiw I don't think she does it maliciously.

Op, I agree with a previous poster who said she thought that your feeling a bit low isn't really about the friends but the other stuff you mention about not feeling you have the job you deserve and are capable of and your DH feeling a bit low about not getting the promotion.....and then the friends got a bit of a break, which just highlighted and strengthened the feelings you are already having - very natural for you to feel like that in the circumstances.....but also good to remember the real source of your feelings and to take some kind of control over them, once you've allowed yourself a short phase of feeling a bit sad.

Yes to re-assessing what can be done to improve your own situation and possibly DHs in the medium term.....and where there are things that can't be changed, try to accept them and focus on all the good things in your lives - it makes a huge difference. Keep an eye out for all the people around who don't have the good things in their lives that you do and you will feel more thankful for what you do have. There's a choice regarding how we feel about a lot of this kind of stuff - we will see people in similar situations, some of whom feel poor and deprived and others who find the same situation to be a great life - much better to be the latter, and not just due to positive thinking but genuinely knowing our many good fortunes, plus having some kind of plan to address things which might be changeable.

Perhaps when you're with theose women friends again, if you're good friends, you can mention how you've been finding your work disappointing and DH is disappointed about his work and promotion. Friends don't just share the good times but the harder times too - sympathy isn't pity.

To clarify, we have no intention of "ditching" our friends, nor do we want them to feel they can't talk about their lives in front of us. Reading all your replies has helped me realise that the way I was feeling earlier isn't really about them anyway.

I think I'm still coming to terms with what happened to me, my MH diagnosis and the limitations that go with that. There is still a part of me that feels like I've let myself and my family down by not being able to sustain my old career. Rationally, I know that's not true but the thought still pops up from time to time. Hearing about my friends successes, and everything that success brings, last night just shone a light on that insecurity I guess.

I have my family, I have my health back and I have a job that, while not lucrative or glamorous, enables me to help people and has given me (for the first time in my adult life) a work/life balance. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I need to hold onto that instead of listening to the negative thoughts that tell me I'm a failure.

Thank you all. You've really helped me to make sense of what I was feeling and get some perspective.