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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS1's Dad's Wedding - declined by school

372 replies

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 12/05/2018 10:53

DS1 is in Y7 at High School. His Dad is getting married this year during term time and, obviously, wants DS1 to be there. School have refused the leave of absence request and stated that they expect DS1 to be in attendance on the days he was due to be away (it's a destination wedding so not something I can change, alter or even adapt to suit school; the actual wedding is on a week day and DS1 would be missing the whole of the last week of summer term).

So as not to drip feed DS1 has great attendance, is achieving well and all homework is on time and never gets into trouble. He also has ASD and can suffer from Anxiety at times and has been particularly anxious about being able to attend the wedding.

Am I able to appeal school's decision and challenge this? It seems awfully unfair that they've refused an application for a wedding of an immediate family member; being part of his Dad's wedding is a huge thing for DS1 and I can't see another way through this; he has to go to the wedding, he has to be there as it's his family.

Would it be U to challenge school's decision or is it best to leave it as unauthorised absence and just take the hit when they fine DH and I (they've written to us separately to advise that we'll be fined if he isn't in school on those dates)?

OP posts:
ASauvignonADay · 13/05/2018 18:17

@TryingToForgeAnewLife depends on your LEA but most are similar. Ours it's 8 unauthorised sessions weighing 10 weeks. There are two sessions in a day (AM and PM), so two days is 4 sessions, so you'll be fine unless they have other unauthorised days off.

persefone · 13/05/2018 18:17

FWIW I'm a teacher and say let him go. Being there on his dad's big day is more important than a week of school, especially the last week. Worry about the fine later.

ASauvignonADay · 13/05/2018 18:18

If fined then I would start an appeal process - not until then as the school may not activate that process - as it comes under exceptional circumstances.
There isn't an appeals process. If you were fined and chose not to pay, it would escalate to a prosecution at which point you could put your case forward. If I'm honest, I don't think this would come under exceptional circumstances but it would depend on the judge on the day (and this can be really variable!)

MarthaArthur · 13/05/2018 18:19

Take him. Life and memories are far more important than sitting in a stuffy classroom learning absolutely nothing if something is taught once in school on one day and its missed and the student cant keep up then its the schools issue not the childs.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 13/05/2018 18:22

Thankyou @ASauvignonADay . Do l still need to ask permission or just phone on the day? Sorry... but I've never done it before and DS will be 15yrs by then

Walkingdeadfangirl · 13/05/2018 18:28

He has picked a term time holiday/wedding so its cheaper. I am on the schools side because this is avoidable, your not supposed to do it. And as a single parent would not allow it.

Is the school supposed to allow every child a term time holiday in the sun if they decided to call it a wedding. How do they know if the parent is even telling the truth. Now its 1 week the next child could take 2 weeks. Now its year Y7 next time it could be Y11.

You have to have consistent rules.

Fluffybat · 13/05/2018 18:29

I'm a teacher too and also think this is mad. It's his dad's wedding. Even staff are allowed time off (unpaid) for close family weddings. Appeal!

lilypoppet · 13/05/2018 18:32

My daughter was granted a day off school to go to her sister's graduation. I said it would show her what happens at the end of her education and encourage her to work hard at school. You have to give a reason why it would enhance their education.

FaveNumberIs2 · 13/05/2018 18:35

Book him off school. It’s the last week before summer hols, they don’t do any work in that week anyway. Your ds is not doing exams and it’s his father’s wedding!!!

Appeal to the head teacher, then the governors. If they both say no, tell them you’re taking him anyway and to give you if necessary.

Then consider taking it to the local press.

MadameJosephine · 13/05/2018 18:38

I wouldn’t even have asked their permission I would have just informed them that he wouldn’t be in for the last week of term.

These fines are supposed to discourage people regularly taking children out of school for trivial reasons but this is a child who has never had a holiday in term time, has good attendance and needs to attend his dad’s wedding for goodness sake!

PrettyLovely · 13/05/2018 18:41

How is a wedding not an exceptional circumstance, My childs school authorises holiday of up to 5 days.
I would still let my child go to Dads wedding personally its important.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/05/2018 18:43

FaveNumberIs2

Then consider taking it to the local press.

Yay, more sad face pictures by muppets, What a way to show your children what to do if you don't get your own way.

soapboxqueen · 13/05/2018 18:43

To start, fines are issued by LEAs who all have their own criteria and cut offs. So if your LEA only fine after 10 absences or 3 separate instances or never, that is your LEA not necessarily the OPs LEA.

Schools have very little leeway with regards to authorising absences. That was the whole point of the change in law. It has nothing to do with hypocritical teachers. Having said that, some schools (and they are few) take their own view and allow absences. My ds's special school authorises holidays if attendance is over 90%. That's because the head is happy to stare down the barrel of Ofsted and justify why he thinks it is appropriate. Not many heads will do that.

OP I would let your ds go and be prepared to take the hit but make sure the school know that your dh does not have PR otherwise you'll get twice the fine. If a fine is issued then pay it. Don't leave it up to your ex as the fine can escalate, it will be in your name. I do think you should get your ex to reimburse you though.

EdWinchester · 13/05/2018 18:46

Obviously, he should go and his dad should pay the fine.

But I'd be mightily irritated at his dad for being so utterly thoughtless and arranging the wedding abroad during term time.

rookiemere · 13/05/2018 18:46

Then consider taking it to the local press.
Oh come on, you must be joking with this.

DF books wedding holiday in term time. School applies known and documented unauthorised absence procedure. OP says she can easily pay fines. DS doesn't miss much vital schooling as according to many posters the last week of term is always and without exception a complete doss where nothing of any importance is done at all - ever (except vital winding down for school holidays and last opportunity to reiterate learning from the term but don't let that spoil the story).

I hardly think it's front cover news for the Daily Mail sad face competition.

Thehappygardener · 13/05/2018 18:48

Take/send your son, really important for him to be at his fathers wedding. Appeal later. Someone has previously posted the guidelines that says a wedding is acceptable and as you said his two sisters have different school holiday dates and it seems like his father made an honest mistake in booking the date.

The final week of the summer term is generallly, for that age group, not critical anyway. As your son understandably gets so anxious, tell him its organised. Surely the school can do a bit of reasonable adjustment? 🌺

celticprincess · 13/05/2018 18:48

My children’s school (a catholic academy) have a sensible approach to holidays. They don’t authorise but don’t fine. Ofsted have commented on their attendance figures though.
I’m a teacher but if I wasn’t I’d certainly take my kids out of school. I’m a single parent and can’t afford term time holidays abroad or in this country other than our newly found camping holidays - they can still be expensive.
Don’t see why posters are commenting on dad’s choice of destination and dates. His choice. He may be tied to holidays for his or his partner’s jobs. I’ve lots of friends and family who aren’t allowed time off over summer holidays for instance as it’s a busy time in their work. Could be down to money - probably cheaper getting married abroad for a week than in the UK.
If there was an issue over who pays they fine then I’d be suggesting dad pays but if both sides are happy to pay their £60 then just do it.
My children are going away with their dad and it will mean a week out of school. It’s arranged with his family who are tied to shifts and who can’t holiday at peak times. I’ve said if the school suddenly start fining then he can pay as it’s his holiday and choice.

I work part time as a teacher and did book a holiday last year which was much cheaper the Monday of the last week of holidays returning the Monday the schools went back. We told the school the kids wouldn’t be in that day and the Tuesday depending on what time we got back. Head said not to worry and enjoy and just come back Wednesday. We didn’t get back too late so they went in play time on the Tuesday. The time off was unauthorised but not fined.
The whole holiday thing boils my blood.

Shesaid · 13/05/2018 18:53

The teacher has advised you. The school would be breaking the law to make an exception, so you need to give THEM an excuse to let your boy go. Be ill.

Arian1 · 13/05/2018 19:00

Who does any work on the last week of term? He wont be, so hes not losing out how future chance to appear on master mind!!
Ask for the actual activities they will be doing at school and offer to them abroad with him.
When I was at school, the last week of school involved, hang man on the teachers board, games and more computer games.
Ask for a complete breakdown per lesson and you will find that the children are not doing anything. Then challenge the school on that!!

pollymere · 13/05/2018 19:00

My dd was allowed to attend wedding of my BIL. We asked for two weeks and got one. She recently got a day off for a funeral. A week does seem a long time tbh unless you're faced with long journey as we were. I would suggest making an appointment with the head and having the SENDCO present. Hopefully you can sort it out without a direct unauthorized absence. We went to one school where they never authorized absences for anything and dd missed quite a bit of family events because of it.

twinkletoes741 · 13/05/2018 19:12

Although others have questioned why DD has booked in term time etc, I wouldn't let DS miss the wedding. Pay the fine and stick 2 fingers up to the school. They don't do a great deal in the last week anyway.

Iflyaway · 13/05/2018 19:13

I know it's not the point of the post but why on earth did his dad set the date for term time?!

Did it ever occur to you that he doesn't give a shit?

Cos it's all about him basically.

salsah · 13/05/2018 19:14

I have a friend who works for a local council and they pray for good weather before the summer holidays so that more parents take out their kids from school for long weekends etc so that they meet their budget forecasts. They are more concerned with getting the money in than trying to discourage children from attending school. I would do it, and appeal. Who knows if it works but know that the council is incentivised to not let it go. I wouldn’t lie and say he is ill as that will probably stress out your DS further. It really annoys me that this is the case as of course he should be at his dad’s wedding and there should be leniency in this case.

margesimpson40 · 13/05/2018 19:39

I understand fines for kids who are never there but .... Tbh I wouldn't have even asked, I would have just let him go. Ex partner taking a bit of a bit here, but I presume he has a job and this had to be factored in and given ds doesn't reside there leave during school holidays probably given to parents with kids who live with them. Let your son go, appeal but yes your partner should pay fine as it's his wedding.

BlueJava · 13/05/2018 19:46

I really don't understand the school's attitude in many cases to leave in term time, including your case. I recently requested my son have the morning absent from school for a clarinet exam. They replied that they couldn't sanction the leave and there were fines in place for taking children out of school. The end of the letter then said "We wish DS good luck in his exam!" They never sent me a request to pay the fine but I noticed the register I can see online was marked "unauthorised absence". For his brother's cornet exam he just had the day off and I rung the school and said sorry he's sick, D&V, should be better tomorrow.

If I were you I'd take you son, just find out what the fine is first, because usually if you pay within a short time it is less than if you leave it and pay after a couple of weeks.