to think SDs mother needs to grow up a little?

[Laurelie]

I have a nearly 7 year old SD who has wanted a brother or sister for a while. I'm now pregnant and she's over the moon (never seen her so excited!). Her mum however stopped her from seeing us since she found out, and isn't happy that we are having a baby before she is.

I do genuinely understand that it must be hard for her knowing that her daughter is going to have a sibling that she is not involved with, but the other part of me is upset that she's taking it out on us as a family.

We've never had a rocky relationship with DPs ex and she's pleasant to me, but this has now resulted in DP applying to court and having to pay upwards of a few thousand pounds just so he can sort out child arrangements. Not great when they had a good arrangement and we are about to have a baby.

AIBU to think that it's ok for her to be upset, but she's totally out of order for not letting DP see his daughter? She literally just turns her phone off and he now hasn't seen her for two weeks.

Does your dp have court-ordered contact? If not, he should sort that out pronto.

@BarbarianMum in the years that they've been separated they've never needed it. He pays her what he should (probably more than what a court would order) and they've never had issues like this before. It's a shame he's going to court and she's battling him now as it's going to cost a fortune. If it sorts it out though then so be it.

She is out of order. As you say she is entitled to her feelings but not to stop hee dds relationship with her Dad.

Only thing that would change my view is if there were other reasons you didn't know about but sounds unlikely and not sure what they might be. Only that I sometimes can't believe people act in the way they do.

Your dp sounds like he's doing the right thing by going to court.

I had this with XHs ex girlfriend. She was furious and wouldn’t allow their DD to see him, until she got pregnant herself. Her DD was born 51 weeks to the day after DS1!

@blackteasplease there really is nothing else. He doesn't talk to her mum unless he needs to and we just live normal lives. Nothing bad or untoward has occurred to make her act like this. She's actually told his mum that she's not happy that we are having a baby before her, stupidly because of course his mum told him. It's all a bit ridiculous. I'm lost and DP missing his DD.

Instead of bitching and saying you’re taking her to court just two weeks after the news, I think a little bit of empathy wouldn’t go amiss. She’s obviously struggling with the news - perhaps your OH could go to her home (alone obviously) to speak to her very gently, with compassion and care.

@FranticallyPeaceful she can be upset if she likes, nobody is saying she can’t. What isn’t fair is her keeping her DD from her Dad.

Any parent that takes their own shit out on their kid is out of order.

It’s very childish and extremely annoying and so unfair on your DSD, but your DP is doing the right thing by formalising the arrangements. I guess it’s just reminding your DP why she is an ex....

@FranticallyPeaceful she has her own family and partner for that. DP and his ex have not spoken on that level for a long time. We have empathy and we were very careful in the way that we told her, made sure she knew first before hearing through the grapevine, and have involved her daughter who is happy she's going to be a sister. She's a 30 something year old woman who shouldn't need comforting by her exDP. Her current partner and family are there to listen to her concerns.

Put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself if you'd struggle to have empathy for a woman who had stopped their daughter from seeing their dad for nearly 3 weeks?

Sorry if I sound harsh but I am in no way 'bitching' about anyone and am simply concerned for my DP and his relationship with his daughter.

I’m not sure why anyone should have to go and talk to their ex with ‘compassion’ because they’ve moved on and she hasn’t and she’s jealous You can be sympathetic and kind but she really now needs to get her emotional support from elsewhere over anything that doesn’t involved their shared daughter.

@Smeddum it’s been two weeks, therefore she could claim she’s been on holiday or anything and DP could end up losing some access instead of ensuring it for putting them through it for no reason.
A hint of caution is advised imo, and I really think TALKING first is the best thing.
Incredibly strange it would go straight to court, if they’ve never needed anything in place as it’s always been fine then this situation has gone from zero to ridiculous in a short amount of time.

My only guess is the hormonal pregnant OP who feels strongly enough about the two weeks to write a post about it has had words with DP to roll this along, otherwise the whole thing seems really strange indeed

@FranticallyPeaceful for most decent parents 2 weeks is a hell of a long time not to see your child because somebody else is in a snit. DS1 has just been away for 4 days and I found that hard, I’d be lost if he were away for 2 weeks with no contact at all!

How can they “talk” as you suggest when the ex won’t answer the phone???

She is being selfish and petty.

Incredibly strange it would go straight to court, if they’ve never needed anything in place as it’s always been fine then this situation has gone from zero to ridiculous in a short amount of time.

Aye, zero to ridiculous because a grown woman can’t put her child first!

So what if it had happened the other way round frantically? The ex wife got pregnant first so the op and her husband just keep hold of the 7 year old, turn their phones off and refuse the mother access? Bet you wouldn't expect empathy then would you? It's a horrible, horrible thing to do to a little girl, to deny her contact with her father. There's no excuse for it.

Before you spend thousands going through court you need to go through mediation first which may sort things out before going to court.

@Smeddum yeah, she is, but if you take this to court for two weeks then he could end up losing access rather than gaining it if that’s what she wishes. Half of me thinks OP knows this though, as it’s common sense.

And talking face to face? Don’t you think the court will ask what actions he took to try contact her? He’s going to say “oh I phoned her but it was off” and they will ask why he didn’t try and see her etc.

OP if you truly want your DP to have a leg to stand on then you’d be encouraging him to go around and talk to her

@somanyfeministsthesedays please don’t bring your logic here. You’ll be slated for it

Talking, mediation, advice from solicitors, then court.

Good luck OP. But if you truly want DP to have access then you’ll encourage him to go about it correctly, because going balls to the wind through court will not have the results you want.

How on earth do you think that on any planet a court would stop a father from seeing their child because the mother is being petty? That’s ludicrous!

In fact in court unless the mother can provide actual reasons/proof as to why she’s stopping contact with no warning, it is SHE who could compromise her own custody of the child.

it seems to soon for court action.

If she's always been reasonable in the past, then maybe once she comes to terms with your news things would go back to normal.

I don't understand the leap from missing a contact visit to thousands of pounds in court. Surely first thing would be to send a letter/ email with a formal polite request to re establish contact and implications for all if this needs to go a more formal route. Second would be to have a formal or informal mediation session (a few hundred pounds if formal).

When my XH told my young DC (that he'd walked out on) that his family was extending and how wonderful it was, they were very happy for him, but in tears at home - it was like rejection again. I had at the back of my mind was he going to stop his pitiful maintenance at be a SAHP to get out if it. I felt rightly or wrongly, a brief email to give me a heads up and confirm his intentions to tell the DC and what would be happening with maintenance would have reduced stress.

Lots of emotion on both sides in your family but the one constant is going to be this little girl is always going to be a part of all your lives. What about her graduation, wedding, birth of her babies? You need to all be able to be civil.

If she's always been reasonable in the past, then maybe once she comes to terms with your news things would go back to normal

What happens next time she gets in a huff? And the time after that?

I can’t believe people are defending this woman.

@FranticallyPeaceful she hasn't been on holiday. It's term time. Plus what woman goes on holiday and doesn't tell the child's father?

I have had no 'words' with DP. I've supported him and talked to him and listened like any caring partner would.

We both went to a solicitor together after finding out that this would be the third weekend that he wouldn't see his DD and decided going to court would be best, as her behaviour now is quite awful and we are concerned about what it would be like after DC is born. Going to court isn't instant and can take a long time. I came on here for a bit of support in the mean time as it looks like this is going to carry on for the foreseeable future. As a pp said DP and his ex need to go to mediation first which she has refused point blank to do. He is waiting on the paperwork to give to his solicitor which confirms this as the court won't give him a date without it. We are doing this correctly - apologies I didn't air all the minor details on mn! We have also used our LOGIC and don't intend on slating anyone for using theirs. Don't start wishing me good luck after putting this down to me being hormonal, telling me I'm bitching, being sarcastic, presuming that this is all my influence. I don't want your luck, I want you to go away. You're irritating.

Thank you @somanyfeministsthesedays - this was our first point of call however as stated above she has refused. They phoned her to organise a meeting, she refused. They're sending her a letter for her to confirm and if they don't receive it within a certain time (they won't), they will issue the refusal to mediate paperwork (whatever it's called!)

The reason DP is going to court is to prevent this from ever happening again. Especially after baby is born.

Not hormonal at all.

Good luck