to think SDs mother needs to grow up a little?

[Laurelie]

I have a nearly 7 year old SD who has wanted a brother or sister for a while. I'm now pregnant and she's over the moon (never seen her so excited!). Her mum however stopped her from seeing us since she found out, and isn't happy that we are having a baby before she is.

I do genuinely understand that it must be hard for her knowing that her daughter is going to have a sibling that she is not involved with, but the other part of me is upset that she's taking it out on us as a family.

We've never had a rocky relationship with DPs ex and she's pleasant to me, but this has now resulted in DP applying to court and having to pay upwards of a few thousand pounds just so he can sort out child arrangements. Not great when they had a good arrangement and we are about to have a baby.

AIBU to think that it's ok for her to be upset, but she's totally out of order for not letting DP see his daughter? She literally just turns her phone off and he now hasn't seen her for two weeks.

@Mammasmitten hi, mediation has been refused. We are just waiting on the paperwork to confirm. Court is our only option now. Especially if we don't want this happening again!

Ignore you know who on here, she’s clearly batshit.
Everything you’ve done sounds perfectly right OP. How unfair of the woman to treat her daughter like a bargaining chip and take her away from her dad. Idiot.
Hope all gets resolved soon

Phew. Feel a bit better now! Thanks for support. Was starting to think I'd done something awful!

@Laurelie not at all! It is the mother who has done something awful!

Why the fuck are posters defending this completely batshit behaviour.

The way the Mum has behaved is absolutely disgraceful. If it was the other way round and her Father had stopped contact for this reason, everyone would be up in arms! He would be labelled as abusive but because it's her mum it's fine apparently. Double standards again!

You can't reason or mediate with someone who refuses to communicate. You may as well just go and talk to a door.

I thought this too. And I'm sure it's right in some cases. My own experience of mediation was extremely positive in terms of getting us communicating and feeling heard.... which I would have thought impossible. So I would still give it a go if possible because unfortunately a court order isn't always a great solution either. Far from it.

I wouldn't think of it as you've "ticked the box" in terms of requesting mediation. I'd still ask again.

Some of the people on this thread are weird.

The Dad has emailed the mum asking for contact but she won't reply. She's been asked to go to mediation but has said no so they are waiting for the deadline for a reply to say "no" to pass before the process begins. I don't think that this is unreasonable at all.

The mum has happily sent her dad for contact in the past. She gets 10/14 days while Dad gets 4/14 days and the Dad wants this to be the result of legal action. Perfectly reasonable.

The dd is the one who suffers most by not seeing her Dad. We don't know why the ex is angry but it's hurting her dd and that's unfair on her. The mum needs to deal with her emotions about this situation without hurting dd.

I hope that contact starts sooner rather than later.

This is when I start to think that certain US states which starT 50/50 from almost birth are right.

The idea that one parent has such power over the other is disgusting.

SD mum is completely in the wrong and it’s disgusting behaviour but nothing surprises me.

My partners ex done the same thing and we didn’t see SD for weeks after she found out I was pregnant.

We also had to get a court order and do mediation which she didn’t turn up for.

Thanks all. We just want to do things right and didn't think DP turning up at the house would have any impact at all. She's done her best to avoid him up until now. No reason to think she would be amicable at the front door.

Another thing to think about is that going through the courts takes time. The whole process can become drawn out. If the whole point of this is to make sure your husband has access to his daughter then shouldn't other avenues be explored first? Taking someone to court would be viewed as hostile by that person and can escalate into a battle. Parents taking each other to court also has an effect on the children. Regardless of who is right or wrong in this situation how would your step daughter feel about her dad taking her mum to court. She probably doesn't feel good about not seeing her dad either. For her sake find a less extreme way to regain access again first. Finalise official access arrangements through a legally binding contract through mediation. Use the courts as a last resort.

@OreoMini you're not the first on this thread to say this has happened after you got pregnant. It's really strange. I understand being upset but stopping your children from seeing their father because of it seems selfish. DSD is desperate for a sibling. It won't mean she loves her mum any less.

@Mammasmitten but she is refusing mediation, won't pick up the phone or respond to his messages, and has stopped him from seeing his DD. I don't know how mediation would work if she's refusing to even consider it? I mean he would much rather go down the mediation route but it's impossible without her there. How long do we wait for this to be sorted out? Does he just go without seeing his daughter until she comes round? Genuine questions and not trying to argue (bit scared to voice my opinion based on previous pp!). If we don't go to court, this could go on forever and could happen again once DC is born which would be absolutely horrendous!

OP, I work in private proceedings. You are doing the right thing. Although it does take some time to get to the court hearing, contact will absolutely be reinstated and future power and control will be taken away from the EXW (who sounds awful, and unable to prioritise her DD above her own levels of pettiness). No point talking and cajoling her, or she will know that she can behave like this time and time again.

Also, @FranticallyPeaceful Jesus Christ go away!

She has been in contact with your dp's mum, so maybe you have a point of indirect mediation there? Could his mum talk to his ex? Could she talk her down, calmly and kindly, and gently bring her round to a more sensible pov?

I realise you'll be going to court anyway, but his mum having a kindly chat might have a quicker result and also a more lasting one.

@Jux DPs mum is 70 and not very well. We did think about this but it wouldn't be right to get her involved.

That's a very good suggestion, to talk to DP's mum. It's quite likely that she could be the one to get through to the ex. It's definitely worth a try.

Okay, cross post. I understand that.

Same thing happened to me when I got pregnant although the mum didn't withdraw contact. However she did everything she could to prevent my partner from going to my antenatal appointments and even kept him away on my due date when I was supposed to get induced. She did manage to reduce contact between my partner and his daughter. She was jealous and bitter. Plain and simple. The only reason it calmed down a bit is when she got pregnant herself within 6 months of me having my daughter.

So, your husband is doing the right thing in formalising contact before months go by without seing his daughter. And he's right to not represent himself. Family law is quite complicated and it looks like everything needs to be done properly if his ex is behaving like that. I wish you all the best OP.

@Lizzie48 we thought about this but DPs mum is not very well. She's going through chemotherapy (for the second time) at the moment. Her outlook is brilliant and she's very high spirited but it would feel wrong to put her in the middle of this!

@Lizzie48 x post again!

Court is a no brainer. She may do this again.

But she is involved already, hence her being told by ex what her feelings are, and frankly your relationship has to be quite close to make that sort of admission..

Furthermore, it's her granddaughter,, and she'll be worried about her anyway.

So she is already involved. Her relationship with ex is cordial, if not close (though it sounds quite close) and even if she is ill, she'll almost certainly be miserable if she discovers she might have helped but you decided she was not fit enough for it.

70 is not that old, btw. I have a bunch of friends that age, and yes, they're more vulnerable, but they're OK. People start seeming old when they hit their 80s I've observed.

@Jux I know and didn't mean to patronise when pointing out her age. Having cancer and chemo when you are 70 however is much tougher than when you are 30. Her age and the strength of the chemo is something her consultant made us aware of due to the effect it has on her bones. Not relevant at all to my OP but just wanted to explain why I pointed out her age!

She isn't close at all to DPs ex. It was a passing comment that was said when they bumped in to each other. I don't think she would have ignored her and probably said it so it would get back to DP. They don't talk regularly but do get on ok hence why we considered her giving her a call, but don't want to put her health at risk or back her in to a big argument when she's not well.

I agree that a lot of posters are being ridiculous. Especially those suggesting OP is suffering from 'pregnancy hormones'. Really?! What the hell is wrong with people!?

OP, I feel sorry for your DH. No matter how angry/sad/unhappy his exwife is, she has no moral right to withhold his child from him as retaliation for him daring to move on and add to his family before she does.

I agree that getting a formal visitation schedule put in place is probably the way to go since she has done this. Even if she changes her mind in a couple of weeks, she could easily do it again. People on MN usually suggest formal court arrangements ... I'm amazed at how many people are now criticising the decision to go that route! Wow.

In a nutshell, your DSD's mum shouldn't be putting her own feelings about your DH (her ex) ahead of her DD's relationship with her father. That is bad parenting 101. Her DD is perfectly entitled to want and have a relationship with her father and his family; it is a separate relationship to the one exwife has with him and should remain so.

Good luck with getting an order in place. I do hope she comes to her senses, but I would still get it formalized in some manner.