to think SDs mother needs to grow up a little?

[Laurelie]

I have a nearly 7 year old SD who has wanted a brother or sister for a while. I'm now pregnant and she's over the moon (never seen her so excited!). Her mum however stopped her from seeing us since she found out, and isn't happy that we are having a baby before she is.

I do genuinely understand that it must be hard for her knowing that her daughter is going to have a sibling that she is not involved with, but the other part of me is upset that she's taking it out on us as a family.

We've never had a rocky relationship with DPs ex and she's pleasant to me, but this has now resulted in DP applying to court and having to pay upwards of a few thousand pounds just so he can sort out child arrangements. Not great when they had a good arrangement and we are about to have a baby.

AIBU to think that it's ok for her to be upset, but she's totally out of order for not letting DP see his daughter? She literally just turns her phone off and he now hasn't seen her for two weeks.

And I truly hope your DP thinks this through first before clearly being driven by his hormonal Mrs who will, seemingly on purpose, hinder his contact with his child

What a disgustingly misogynistic and patronising statement. You’re making stuff up now.

They have tried to contact the mother, repeatedly, she will not engage.

She’s in a huff and taking it out on her child. So if you’re going to label anyone, label her.

OP, don’t worry, you are writing in plain English.

@frantically - do you realise how unbelievably patronising you are being? A pregnant woman who is upset is automatically upset because of her hormones? If you were a bloke (you might be!) I’d be on the verge of calling you a misogynist right now. She’s upset. She’s allowed to be. Hormones or not!

OP, sounds like you’re doing things right. His ex is allowed to be upset. I’ve been in her position and found it to be a highly emotional time. She is bang out of order however for taking it out on you and also her daughter who isn’t seeing her dad. At least once you’ve been to court this can’t happen again as you’ll have the court’s back up if she breaks the order.

Best of luck.

frantically your attitude is revolting.

How can they talk when she won't answer the phone? Do you really think shes going to answer the door and let him in if he just turns Up?

How is op hindering contact? They're going to court to e sure they do get contact... do you not understand?

@Smeddum

I can’t believe people are defending this woman.

It's very difficult having to give up your child for access visits every weekend or every second week or whatever. So that's already a pressure on the ex. Now her DD is really excited about the prospect of a new baby, it could be that the ex is feeling her DD is moving away from her and establishing stronger bonds elsewhere. People aren't automatons, especially when it comes to their relationship with their children. I've never had to go through that, but I can imagine how it would have felt for my children's focus to suddenly be on an 'other' family. I don't think it's about the ex resenting you having a baby, but being upset and fearing that her DD will be more invested in your family. I think that's how it would have affected me. She's not an evil monster, she's been reasonable up to now, but now she has something new to process and come to terms with.

Are you sure this is out of jealously and not consideration? Also, be very careful before demanding 50/50 contact etc; especially if your DP won’t be doing the bulk of the childcare. You as a pregnant non-parent could end up harming the child if she thinks you show favourtism
To your newborn.

It's very difficult having to give up your child for access visits every weekend or every second week or whatever. So that's already a pressure on the ex. Now her DD is really excited about the prospect of a new baby, it could be that the ex is feeling her DD is moving away from her and establishing stronger bonds elsewhere

I know it’s difficult, I’ve been doing it for 10 years

She can feel that way, she can’t help how she feels, and is entitled to feel how she likes.

What she is absolutely not entitled to do is to separate her child from her father for her own selfish reasons. Ever.

Why is it ok for a woman's feelings to get invalidated just because she is pregnant and therefore has hormones? So misogynistic. The OP has stated her dp has got legal advice but I'm sure frantically knows more about it than a solicitor.
OP ignore the rubbish about hormonal pregnant woman. You will get a lot of it over the coming months but being pregnant doesn't invalidate your feelings in any way.

Oh wear a fucking halo if you want. Nobody's perfect.

@DuchyDuke we aren't asking for 50/50. DP wants it to go back to how it's always been. Every other weekend, one night in the week and half of the holidays. He would happily have her more.

@Juells and this is where I was coming from. I completely understand her feeling this way and can't say that I wouldn't also feel the same. The issue is the way she is dealing with it, not the way she feels. Its hard for DP as this will be the third weekend in a row that he has not seen his daughter. It's heartbreaking for him.

@FranticallyPeaceful

Ah yes. I must be a man because I don’t agree with the gaggle of frothing women

Referring to women who don't agree with you as 'a gaggle of frothing women' is a bit of a clue.

@FranticallyPeaceful nobody said you were a man? Gender is irrelevant, your statements are misogynistic and patronising.

Having a vagina doesn’t exclude you from that.

Nobody is frothing (apart from the ex wife!)

Heaven forbid people should protest against a parent alienating the other parent because they’re in a snit. I mean, it’s like it’s wrong or something!

God some people are so patronising! Regardless of how the ex feels about the new baby she has no right to withold contact. Throwing toys out of the pram or what. Personally i think solicitor is the best step forward to formalise things...ex has shown that rather than be a grown up & discuss things she prefers to use her DD to score points. Not on. OP i hope this gets sorted...i know from using solicitors myself it doesn't simply go to court, you have to try mediation etc first. If ex won't play ball, that's her look out

God some people are so patronising! Regardless of how the ex feels about the new baby she has no right to withold contact.

This.

The first wives club is strong on MN

"It's very difficult having to give up your child for access visits every weekend or every second week or whatever"

I imagine it's much more difficult only seeing your child every other weekend... but of course only mummys feelings matter.

I can empathise with the ex here, as someone who wasn't able to get pregnant. But her behaviour is totally out of order, because it's her DD she's hurting by her actions. This should be a happy time for her, she's excited about becoming a big sister. This is what is called using a child as a weapon.

It would actually be better for the ex herself to have a break from her DD constantly talking about the baby. She would then be able to process the news and come to terms with it. She could have a good cry, have a rant with her DP and family, and get it out of her system.

I wonder how the ex will explain this to her DD. 'Sorry darling, daddy is having another baby so doesn't want you anymore' - i mean, she's unlikely to be honest & tell her child it is HER with the problem. Steady road to PA right there. In any other situation people are straight up with recommending court to formalise stuff. Because it makes sense & puts selfish twonks in their place

Really disappointed in the way this thread has gone to be honest. I am not hormonal as some have stated. I am a woman who cares deeply for her DP and wants to get this sorted. I'm pregnant, uncomfortable and stressed beyond belief. I've empathised with his exDP. I've not said one nasty thing about her and have simply implied that I want this to be sorted to DP can see his daughter. This is for her sake as well as his, this isn't all about the adults here.

If me saying the above and standing up for myself when being patronised is enough to turn me in to a hormonal woman who is steering DP in the direction of court for some kind of kick then I don't know what's what anymore.

Thank you for the advice all. Much appreciated.

Op

You have done the right thing. You didn’t do this on a whim. Believe me if I could t see my kids for one day I’d be down to the courts. Three weeks is hell.

With a court order she can’t dictate anything.

@FranticallyPeaceful you’re 38 weeks pregnant?

So if someone took your child from you for 2 weeks, would you have “perspective”? I doubt it somehow.

This may seem a random question but do you live close to your SD?
I ask because if you’re an hour or more away it’s very easy for one parent to make access impossible for the other parent even if a court order is in place.

And stop spouting bullshit about the legal side of things, literally nothing you have said applies in court or legally. Not one bit.

@FranticallyPeaceful she won't pick up her phone, won't pick up from any other number including withheld either, he doesn't want a huge argument in front of DD and doesn't want confrontation with his ex's partner so is worried about turning up at the house unannounced. She's been at school and her mum has been picking her up. She's not on holiday. She's read his messages and is ignoring them. She lives a 50 minute drive away. Over an hour if the traffic is bad. It's not as easy as popping round the corner and there are other considerations to be made. DP is following advice from his solicitor.