to think SDs mother needs to grow up a little?

[Laurelie]

I have a nearly 7 year old SD who has wanted a brother or sister for a while. I'm now pregnant and she's over the moon (never seen her so excited!). Her mum however stopped her from seeing us since she found out, and isn't happy that we are having a baby before she is.

I do genuinely understand that it must be hard for her knowing that her daughter is going to have a sibling that she is not involved with, but the other part of me is upset that she's taking it out on us as a family.

We've never had a rocky relationship with DPs ex and she's pleasant to me, but this has now resulted in DP applying to court and having to pay upwards of a few thousand pounds just so he can sort out child arrangements. Not great when they had a good arrangement and we are about to have a baby.

AIBU to think that it's ok for her to be upset, but she's totally out of order for not letting DP see his daughter? She literally just turns her phone off and he now hasn't seen her for two weeks.

Given the sudden withdrawal of contact and inability to get hold of mother, would it be appropriate to ask police on the non-emergency line if they are able to do a 'safe and well check'?

@ilovegin112 she may well not be that excited. I have no idea. It bears no relevance however to the fact that DPs ex won't let him see her.

@SlowDown76mph good idea if he really had no clue however he's phoned the school and they have confirmed that she is attending and mum has been picking her up as usual. No concerns there so she is absolutely ok!

It's not aggressive. Your only crime is being a step. Trust me.

This in spades. My DSis has a DSS, and she loves him in the same way she loves her own DCs. She was also his primary carer for some years. But so many people just don't get that (I confess I'm guilty of that too sometimes).

What you will need to be ready for when you have your baby is that your DSD might not be enthralled at the idea of a sibling. My DSis shared with me that when she had her first child, a little girl, her DSS would very often ask his dad to do something just when he was in the middle of changing her nappy. He was 12, but had been an only child until then.

@SandyY2K

I actually wish he'd go for 50/50 and get it. That would make her wish she'd never pulled this crap.

No, it would make the OP wish they'd never gone to court 😂

I don't understand anything about this situation. The mother has always been reasonable, then suddenly turns into a monster? Did I miss a post where the OP explained how they know that the reason is because they're having a baby? Ah, checked back and that info seems to be via MiL.

In the OP's shoes I'd be checking exactly what the MiL has said to the exW.

@Juells why would it make us wish we never went to court? We would be more than happy to have her 50/50. You're presuming we wouldn't cope or would regret having her around based on what? The reason we don't do this is because we decided it was too far a journey every morning for her to get to school, and on the way home too. It's something that was discussed years ago and decided it wasn't suitable long term. It was a tough decision for DP to make because of course he wanted to see her as much as he could. He was surprise surprise putting his daughter first.

We have spoken to DPs mother who quickly diverted the situation with ex at the time. She's very unwell and is having chemotherapy and the last thing she wanted when making a difficult trip out of the house was to have any sort of confrontation with her son's ex partner. I've explained everything there is to understand in the thread, it really is simple. She appears to be upset that we are having a child (might be for another reason but as she is not contactable we don't know), and has prevented DP from seeing his daughter for over two weeks which in our opinion is unacceptable and we don't want it to happen again. DP has tried mediation but she won't attend, and he wants to have an official order written up so she can't do this for a second time. He's unbelievably angry and upset over this situation and missing his daughter. What's not to understand?

If you are having a baby it will be a lot of extra work to have a 7-year-old 50/50. Siblings can struggle with the amount of attention a new baby needs, and what seems like great fun to the little girl now might seem very different when the house revolves around a baby instead of around her.

I just find it very odd that the exW has done such a complete U-turn, it makes no sense.

Why are people straw clutching? At the end of the day it doesn't matter what reason the ex gives, she has no right to withold contact. End of story. You can pluck little anecdotes out of the air about how you know of someone who x y z because of a b c, it doesn't actually hold water.

It baffles me that people are so quick to throw out 'why haven't you been to court to formalise contact' one minute, but as soon as someone then decides to do so they are being aggressive?! This will set a clear precedent; let the ex get away with string pulling & she holds all the cards. Get it formalised properly & she will realise that her feelings on the matter are not important, only her DD's feelings matter

@Juells I know, and we are aware of this. I don't mean to come across as dismissive but these are all things we have thought about. We would deal with it if we had two children together, why is it any different for SD? We would persevere and make it work rather than just say 'no we won't have her 50/50 because the new baby will be enough as it is' - he's just as much DPs child as this new on will be.

We are also confused but doesn't change the fact that it is happening...

I wish you well, and hope you manage to sort it out for the little girl's sake :(

Laurelie You and your husband are acting in the correct way. There should be zero tolerance for any parent putting themselves in the position of allowing contact or not (abuse worries aside obviously).

Totally understand you/DH/DSD shouldn't have to live with this 'threat' of no contact just because ex can't deal with something like an adult. Get it all sorted legally. It's not like it's been one day and you've gone straight to court..her behaviour is totally unacceptable and should not be tolerated.

YANBU.

So she's refusing to allow your DH to see his daughter, refusing to discuss it and refusing to even acknowledge the request for mediation. I don't think you have any choice but to go to court. Good Luck.

@Laurelie honestly, all I can say is after over ten years on the site, you will always, always, always get people defending the mum just because she’s your partner’s ex and you’re a step.

That is it. There is no other explanation.

It’s pathetic, of course. But there’s no talking to some people.

I’d say ignore the lot of them now and get on with what you’re doing. Hope it all works out.

Is she still carrying a torch for her ex.

The ex is doing her daughter absolutely no favours at all if she is worried about her daughter feeling anxious about having a new sibling. By stopping her daughter from going then she is for sure going to feel pushed out, but I bet the mum won't take any responsibility for that.
No doubt it will be twisted to be dad's the fault that he hasn't been able to see his daughter.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I don't believe this to be the case. She's been with her partner for a while. Who knows though, maybe!

Yanbu take it to court and get it formalised. She has been unreasonable once and can be again so dont give her that choice. I xant imagine how your husband must feel and there is no excuse for what the ex is doing regardless of how she feels
As an aside are you sure the ex isn't on here? There has been some atrange defending of bad choices bybthe mother here.
Good luck x

While out walking my dogs just now I suddenly remembered what happened with my own DD when she moved in with her DP. It was over ten years ago, and at the time I heard about it afterwards, so it didn't impinge on my consciousness much. DP and his W had separated amicably several years before he met my DD, and had a six-year-old. All was sweetness and light until DP and DD decided to buy a house together, then all hell broke loose. ExW went ballistic because she was convinced that they were planning to have a baby together, and her daughter would be pushed aside. It never happened, as neither of my DDs have any interest in having children :( but it made things very unpleasant until she calmed down and accepted that even if they did have a baby it wouldn't affect her daughter.

Something similar may be going on here, who knows. People can throw a wobbly without necessarily being a very very bad person.

Laurelie Your DP is doing the right thing in formalising the contact arrangements. I don't think it's 'too soon' at all. The courts are not quick, so starting early hopefully means a resolution will be found relatively quickly. It also provides recourse in case of any future shenanigans.

Ex is being a dingbat in thinking that refusing mediation is a good plan. It will play very badly in court, and I can't work out what she thinks she will achieve by being obstructive.

Did she really think that having to spend a bit of money would put Dad off wanting to see his DD? Guess she has some odd idea about calling his bluff or something.

I think you are handling this perfectly, you're right not to involve DP's mum, age and health regardless. It's between the parents, involving other people would just delay things.

Remember to look after yourself in all this, growing an entire person is hard work.

Huge amount of sympathy for your DH. It must be so hard. He's doing the right thing IMO. And you're right, the ex does need to grow up! You can't use children as weapons.

@juells - nothing justifies her actions. Her feelings are completely irrelevant to her daughters relationship with her family. It doesn't matter that she has hitherto been reasonable - she's taken a stance that legally she isn't entitled to. Of course OPs DP must go to court - this woman's damaging her daughter's relationship with her family - her new baby brother, her father and her SM. She doesn't get to dictate whether the other parent has a relationship with the child - it's his child.

OP - best of luck. I really hope this woman isn't doing lasting damage to her daughter and her family relationship.

I think you could have afforded to act more slowly on this. You have no reasin to believe SD isnt being cared for and mum has text saying she will be in touch. Sounds like she is getting her head round this slowly. I think court action may make her dig her heels in.

@redfairy would you just sit around and wait if your ex wouldn't contact you and you couldn't see your child/didn't know when you were going to see them again? All because of an issue that is entirely hers? Serious question.

I'm amazed that people think DP should just put up with this.

@Bubbles121

this woman

You mean the little girl's mother?