to think SDs mother needs to grow up a little?

[Laurelie]

I have a nearly 7 year old SD who has wanted a brother or sister for a while. I'm now pregnant and she's over the moon (never seen her so excited!). Her mum however stopped her from seeing us since she found out, and isn't happy that we are having a baby before she is.

I do genuinely understand that it must be hard for her knowing that her daughter is going to have a sibling that she is not involved with, but the other part of me is upset that she's taking it out on us as a family.

We've never had a rocky relationship with DPs ex and she's pleasant to me, but this has now resulted in DP applying to court and having to pay upwards of a few thousand pounds just so he can sort out child arrangements. Not great when they had a good arrangement and we are about to have a baby.

AIBU to think that it's ok for her to be upset, but she's totally out of order for not letting DP see his daughter? She literally just turns her phone off and he now hasn't seen her for two weeks.

The posters who are saying it's 'too soon' are being ridiculous. I would never, ever sit it out for my DC's father to have a little think about when I could next see my DC if he suddenly decided that I couldn't see them! And neither would any other reasonable parent. Would the 'too soon' posters advise a mother to sit and wait it out if a father had kept hold of the DC?

The sad thing is, here is a dad who is desperate to be involved in his DD's life, who isn't giving up and not bothering. When you think of all the threads on Mumsnet about deadbeat dads, why is it that when there is a dad who does care enough to fight for contact, he is somehow wrong as well? According to some posters anyway?

Forgive me if covered already, there was a lot to read through.

You mentioned you have had mc before and seeing SD with your partner hurt a little. Do you think she may be trying to protect her DD?

She may think that you two will start favouring your own child, lead to missed contact? It does happen with some people and she may think by doing this, she's protecting her DD from it happening later on.

@MrsSnootyPants2018 potentially. Who knows. At the end of the day this will never be the case. DP adores his daughter and I think the world of her. We want her to be involved and to act like a normal family. I think it's more damaging for her to stop all contact together. It's a good way of saying 'daddy and girlfriend are having a new baby and don't care about you anymore'

At the end of the day, this is all for selfish reasons.

@Juells yes. The child's mother - someone who should have her daughter's best interests at heart and instead is damaging. Her relationship with her family because of her own personal issues. She isn't concerned that her child is uncared for or that her father is a danger - she is refusing contact because she (the child's mother) has a problem on a personal level. Would you have been happy for your daughter's father to do the same to you? And say back and accepted it?
Genuine question - would you have been accepting if your daughter's father had withheld access to your daughter because he had a problem with something that you did. Not something that you did to your daughter or that endangered her - a choice that you made that completely excluded him and wasn't his business at all. Would you sit back and wait and shrug it off until he had dealt with it?

It's boggling that people are advocating for this woman and her behaviour. She has no legal right to suspend contact and she certainly has no moral ground here. OP - you are completely doing the right thing - imagine this scenario playing out over and over in the years to come. Please disregard the people here who think that her mother digging her heels in will do anything other than discredit her in court. The courts don't take kindly to adults behaving like spoilt petulant children and they certainly won't see her side - their view will be on your SD and the importance of her relationship with all her family....

OP: what this thread proves is that a lot of women on MN use their children as pawns against their exes. They rely on the fact that most men won't immediately go to court and instead will play games with them. That's why they are suggesting that you grovel, go to the ex and beg or that there's some terrible downside to formalizing court arrangements when there is none.

Please don't listen. Go to court. She has no right to withhold contact.

YADNBU @Laurelie and I can't believe some people are defending her actions. Although that said a SM is often wrong on MN and first wives can do no wrong.

I really hope you're able to see your DSD soon. Has your solicitor said how long she has to ignore the mediation letters for before they'll issue the paperwork?

Sorry, but no matter the ex's feelings on your family situation, that should never interfere with your DP seeing his daughter.

If she has refused mediation, then that will be taken into account by the court. They will ask her to give an explanation as to why she didn't want to mediate, and unless she has a really bloody good reason, she will be asked to justify how that that should have any bearing on a child seeing their father.

A note to take forward, as it appears it will go to court because she is refusing mediation, this will then lead to an official contact order, so, if you and your DP want a better/more time arrangement then you will need to go with that proposal at that time.

Also, if she is going to become difficult, also bare in mind that if you ask for any amendments going forward, unless you have extenuating circumstances she is well within her rights to say no, so no ad hoc changes of plan, and you will have to learn to diary your entire lives a year in advance...

As the child becomes older they will have more input, and maybe on the order (if it gets that far) you may want to schedule a mediated review day that she will then have to stick by, otherwise you may find your self stuck in an inflexible order until the age of 16+.

I can't have compassion for the ex, because the child is not her property regardless of her feelings towards your family circumstances. She also doesn't have autonomy over the child, the child has 2 parents who both have valid feelings and opinions.

Who I feel for is the child, the child is always going to become the victim here 😔

OP: what this thread proves is that a lot of women on MN use their children as pawns against their exes. They rely on the fact that most men won't immediately go to court and instead will play games with them. That's why they are suggesting that you grovel, go to the ex and beg or that there's some terrible downside to formalizing court arrangements when there is none.

YY to this...if courts removed a few more DC from these mothers, particularly when they subsequently breach the orders then it may get the message over that children have 2 parents, which will invariably happen. Children don't 'belong' to the mother. Children have certain rights, parents have responsibilities.

As it is men have to jump through hoops to see their DC and mums hold the cards...no patriarchy at work on that matter.
Those who say dads could represent themselves for a few hundred £, if the mum gets representation the dad may need more guidance, particularly if there is anything that can be used against him. (MH for example)

OP good luck..I hope your DH gets it sorted..and at least you know he wont let your DC down in the future.

OP: what this thread proves is that a lot of women on MN use their children as pawns against their exes.

Yep, surprisingly I think that’s correct.

*@Bubbles121

this woman

You mean the little girl's mother? hmm*

Oops..bubbles..I think you forgot the "title" only revered for the blessed...'The Mother' who can do no wrong..

@Bluebell878275 how could I forget! I wonder what second wives are when there's a third one ......