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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think SDs mother needs to grow up a little?

187 replies

Laurelie · 12/05/2018 08:29

I have a nearly 7 year old SD who has wanted a brother or sister for a while. I'm now pregnant and she's over the moon (never seen her so excited!). Her mum however stopped her from seeing us since she found out, and isn't happy that we are having a baby before she is.

I do genuinely understand that it must be hard for her knowing that her daughter is going to have a sibling that she is not involved with, but the other part of me is upset that she's taking it out on us as a family.

We've never had a rocky relationship with DPs ex and she's pleasant to me, but this has now resulted in DP applying to court and having to pay upwards of a few thousand pounds just so he can sort out child arrangements. Not great when they had a good arrangement and we are about to have a baby.

AIBU to think that it's ok for her to be upset, but she's totally out of order for not letting DP see his daughter? She literally just turns her phone off and he now hasn't seen her for two weeks.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 12/05/2018 10:04

frantically I assume you've never been to court. It's extremely unlikely op and her dh would get less contact. Judges do not like it when parents stop contact left right and centre for no good reason. If anything the mum will get penalised for that. Being uncontactable is unacceptable.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 12/05/2018 10:05

OP your dp is doing the right thing. Far, far too often men don't give a shiny shit about seeing their dc once separated. Good on him. I don't care if it's all guns blazing - his child has been forcibly separated from him, and that's absolutely unacceptable.

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 10:05

You must have noticed, Frantically, that no one is agreeing with you? Funny that. Grin

Dobbythesockelf · 12/05/2018 10:07

"Calm your tits" are you always so rude, judgemental and misogynistic? Must just be your hormones right??

Original poster
Laurelie · 12/05/2018 10:09

May I add that my tits are perfectly calm.

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/05/2018 10:10

You really need to approach this from a ‘reasonable’ perspective. Your first port of call should be a letter from your DP saying he will seek legal advice if no contact is made by X date. Send letter signed for. Then get a solcitor to write and offer mediation with a view to making a court application by Y date. If there is no contact by that point, you proceed with court. Going straight to court after a couple of weeks is really quite aggressive and wouldn’t be the usual advice of a family law solicitor although of course, the OP may not have mentioned everything.

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 10:10

May I add that my tits are perfectly calm
Grin I’m trying to think of a time when mine weren’t? Now have a very odd mental image of angry breasts Grin

Original poster
Laurelie · 12/05/2018 10:13

@Bubbles121 it's been just over two weeks however he requested that as she kept him from seeing DD the first weekend that he saw her the weekend after. All ignored, still hasn't seen her. They usually meet half way and she texts when she's leaving so DP can leave at the same time. Heard nothing and impossible to contact her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laurelie · 12/05/2018 10:16

@ohreallyohreallyoh I did mention in my previous post that she has refused mediation and we are waiting on paperwork to confirm this. The reason court is the route DP is taking is also so it doesn't happen again. I agree it seems aggressive but so withholding all contact with your child is equally if not more distressing.

OP posts:
Justwaitingforaline · 12/05/2018 10:18

I’m not excusing her behaviour but is it possible that DSD’s mum is having fertility issues and is struggling with it because of that?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/05/2018 10:18

Did she formally refuse mediation? As in write it/email it/text it?

It is very difficult when these things happen. I do feel for you, please don’t get me wrong.

FranticallyPeaceful · 12/05/2018 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Smeddum · 12/05/2018 10:21

@FranticallyPeaceful your language around the way you refer to women who disagree with you is misogynistic, not the fact you disagree. Frothing, hormonal, calm your tits. You’re an absolute disgrace.

And you still won’t answer how you’d feel if your baby’s dad kept them from you for 2 weeks for no reason. I sincerely hope you never find out.

Original poster
Laurelie · 12/05/2018 10:22

To be honest @Justwaitingforaline it could be anything. As DP hasn't had a close relationship with his ex for a long time. I hope this isn't the case but it may well be. It's our first baby together (my first baby ever) and just want DSD to be involved and have the chance to be a big sister. I'd be sorry to hear he was having fertility issues but don't think this would condone her behaviour. I have had a lot of miscarriages and have found it hard at times to see DP with his daughter as I wanted so badly to have a child with him. We went through hell and back and I did feel envious of him already having a child, but instead of then pushing DSD out to make myself feel better, I just talked to him about it and we worked things out. I didn't try and stop him from seeing DSD and can't see why his exDP thinks it's ok for her to do this. It's upsetting.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 12/05/2018 10:22

"like she’s his property"

And keeping a child away from a parent isn't acting like that?

I dont know whether you're just goady or actually thick.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 12/05/2018 10:22

It's easy to sympathise with the ex. It must be a difficult time for her. That doesn't mean she gets to opt out of the bits of parenting that upset her. If she won't engage then she won't engage and a formal order is necessary.
I actually think that going to see her is a really bad idea. All the emotion needs to be taken out of this and it needs to be dealt with formally. The DP doesn't need to give her the opportunity to accuse him of being aggressive or threatening.

Original poster
Laurelie · 12/05/2018 10:23

@ohreallyohreallyoh she refused when they tried to phone her. They've sent her paperwork out. She can either write back and formally refuse, or if they don't hear from her it they will issue paperwork to say they've not heard anything.

OP posts:
Chocolateandchaos · 12/05/2018 10:24

I cannot imagine going 2 weeks without seeing DC especially as he is a parent who is already missing a lot of his daughters life and the time together is probably particularly precious.

You are right. Of course she is entitled to her feelings but her actions seem wrong. Maybe there is more to DDs feelings than her Dad is aware of but I can't see how it could possibly be good for DD to suddenly break contact rather than help DD explain her feelings to her father.

As a separated mum I hate the time I miss with my DC. But those feelings mean I try to be extra sure that i put my DC first in decisions. They mean I question myself more to try get it right.

It's a shame she refuses mediation. Its possible that things moving to the legal solicitor stage might prompt her to rethink this. If she does then I think mediation might still be better for DD long term. If agreement is reached in mediation perhaps it could be formalised by consent.

I also agree with the suggestion to contact by letter, and again through solicitor inviting her to set out her concerns. And I am not justifying her actions but there is always a tiny chance there is something that might be useful to hear.

Lizzie48 · 12/05/2018 10:26

That's true, actually, if he goes round to talk to her, then she could accuse him of intimidation. He needs to play this completely by the book.

Thanks for your miscarriages, OP

Dieu · 12/05/2018 10:26

YADNBU.
His ex's behaviour is completely unacceptable. Even if struggling herself, she should seek counselling or emotional support from some other source, rather than making her daughter suffer.

TheFaerieQueene · 12/05/2018 10:29

What the crazies on this thread are missing spectacularly is that there is a little girl who has been kept from seeing her father. That is not acceptable.
I hope all goes well OP and you have a safe delivery of your baby. I’m sure the stress of this is not helping.

Mammasmitten · 12/05/2018 10:29

If your husband has his daughter every second weekend and 1 night a weekday and it's been two weeks then there has been 4 days missed. At this point wouldn't mediation be less extreme then taking it immediately to court? There are parents going to court because there has been consistently missed access over a period of time. Courts don't always look favourably on having unnecessary cases that could have been resolved without them. Just something to think about.

Marmitesoldiers · 12/05/2018 10:30

Oh the irony, fulminating frothily about other people frothing!

Anyhow back to the real world. All the threads I’ve seen from fathers who have not been able to see children for a long time have ended up with people piling in and saying, ‘well he should have got a court order’.
So I think he’s doing the right thing. Allowing her to just stamp her feet and withdraw contact would be establishing precedent in my view. She’ll think she can do it whenever it suits her. No mother would just accept no contact with her children and I don’t see why any father should have to (abuse/neglect excepting but not the case here).

Try to not let it stress you through your pregnancy OP. Be supportive but your DH seems to have it in hand.

MycatsaPirate · 12/05/2018 10:30

This thread is bonkers!

Laurelie I feel for you and your dp. I have no suggestions to make but we have been and still are, in the same position as you and although our situation is way more complicated than yours, my dp still misses his DD very much every day.

You can't reason or mediate with someone who refuses to communicate. You may as well just go and talk to a door.

Good luck and good luck with your new baby too when it comes.

AlexaAmbidextra · 12/05/2018 10:33

And FranticallyPeaceful proves yet again that in MN world, all second wives are the devil incarnate and first wives are angels regardless of their behaviour. 🙄

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