MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

Can't she see the incongruity of wanting her blood family to witness her wedding and acknowledge her marriage when she won't afford the same courtesy to them? Why does her marriage trump everyone else's? Having said that, this is exactly the sort of stunt my late ex MiL would have pulled. When exSiL got married, she managed to get someone to distract me sufficiently so that I wasn't in any of the wedding photos .

As someone who has gone through this as a child, the kids always pick up on the fact when in laws don’t like their parents and it’s a toxic environment.. as much as I loved my GM I’m kind of glad she died when she did because in elder years her abhorrent treatment of my mother became so very clear.

Jesus, I thought my MIL was awful!

Is the groom not having any non-blood related guests either?

I would understand if she was having a very small private wedding, but someone who is having two bridesmaids and two page boys (ffs) is going very ott. If it was a registry office job round the corner with just her adult dc as witnesses then I’d say fair enough. Also, if she’s too skint to pay for bridesmaids dresses then don’t have bridesmaids!

I think she is being mean deliberately OP. no way would any caring person do this. It’s massively disrespectful to make you travel and pay for something you are not even invited to.

More fool you if you and your dh let her get away with treating you like this. I don’t think you necessarily need to go nc or cut her out of your dc’s lives, but I would be telling her that you too are hard up for cash and are not prepared to pay out all that money for something you are not invited too.
And no, I would not let my dd be a bridesmaid to someone who so clearly thinks their mum is not worthy of an invite. I’d be keeping my dc at home and sending dh off on his own.

This is totally unacceptable OP, your little daughters will surely want you to see them acting as bridesmaids.
If you are not invited to the wedding, then you need to back off.
Ask your DH to speak with his mother.

it really is not a "we only have room for the wedding party" thing, it's definitely a "we only have room for the blood family" thing

Indeed ... and as you've said, she already has form for excluding those who've "married in"

Forgive me mentioning this, but might it also explain her fondness for the grandchildren, while still being willing to exclude their mother? They are, after all, her blood family too

I agree with @mrssapphirebright, let your DH go it alone.

Get your dh to call her out on it - tell her it is not acceptable.

If she stands firm i would also be finding out the EXACT number of guests the room can hold.
If it genuinely is the maximum without you then maybe let it go... YANBU to be pissed off though and she should be expressing profound regret/sorrow etc.

otherwise you'll never know if you could have been included or not.

Op you are a much nicer person than I am..
I would not be providing any of her wants or needs cause money is tight, just so she can have a lovely wedding day... this is an appalling way to treat the mother of her grandchildren and wife of her son.
I'm so glad to hear your husband has your back, I think he needs to make a call to his vile mother and sort this out either that you all go or none of you do.

Let your DH make a stand on your behalf, she's being ridiculous!

I'd also cut back drastically on the 'keeping in touch several times a week'. NOW.
Perhaps then she might think about the consequences of her actions and how it's a real slap in the face for you.
Her relationship with you and your family is not one-way, but you're already doing most of the work keeping it going, even without helping her massively with her wedding plans.

i can't believe you actually allow and enable this horrid woman to walk all over you - and that you're pathetically grateful and accepting of it.
she's making sure you will always be an 'outsider' and treated as such, she's even using your dc to hammer that wedge.

your children , money, time and energy are good enough for her on her terms but YOU are not, never will be and apparently not worthy of any respect?

That is totally mad. You are the wife of her son. You are close family. If her son and your kids are there of course you should be!!
Im all for people having their weddings however they want and I dont easily get offended but this is ridiculous....

Terrible behaviour from MIL. I would not be attending.

I really think you need to find out independently what number of people the venue can hold. And base your response on that.

Also, what are your DDs supposed to think about this? You get them all dressed up, and spend ages talking to them about what to do, and having little practice walks-down-aisle - and then you're trying to watch through the window???? (I also thought that was excellent advice.)

I agree with all PP that DH needs to sort this. If there genuinely is no room then you and he should at least get to decide which one of you gets to go to pub.

God is she Peggy Mitchell and all about the fahhhmily.

I get that she wants to keep costs down but surely your wedding is one area you'll spend a little more so all the special people in your life can be there.

Unless of course you aren't special. In which case I'd say she can pay for the DDs dresses - after all she's saved on costs not having you there.

i would call the venue and explain you are getting married and a friend had told you about their lovely venue, and as you are planning to have a small wedding you just need to check if a wedding group of 10 or 12 would fit comfortably or do you need to downsize a little more

I'd tell her to get her " family" all the stuff you where going to do.No way in hell would i be making decorations or anything else.I would go as a guest. And leave all tbe other stuff to your dh.Cut your losses.Shes not worth it.

totally out of order and she is showing her true colours regardless of your best efforts. Your children will see this behaviour and they won't understand why Mummy can't see them being bridesmaids and may even act up, that would server her right. Your hubby is right don't let her do this to you. I like the suggestion of looking through the window!!

I mean could your DH just say, "thanks, DM, we'll let you know which one of us is going to be there". Boom.

It's not your causing the rift OP.

Hold fire on any assistance at all for now. No dresses, no decorations, no giving of your time or money for any of it. She's massively taking the piss.

I've always found it completely baffling that anyone would choose a venue over there loved ones. It's arse about tit. Bricks and mortar over friends and family. A recipe for looking like a selfish, shallow dick.

Glad to hear your husband is one of the good ones You sound very lucky to have each other!

Ceremonies are generally a borefest, the reception is the fun part so I'd see it as you and DSILs DP have been given a free pass to go sit in the pub for pre-drinks

Mind you, if we were in this situation even if we explained that is was due to reasons of capacity my DS(10) would probably refuse to go without me and want to come to the pub - she should be prepared that your DDs may say the same

I do also think you are going to be far more upset about this on the day than you think, when your children and husband all leave you and go off and enjoy the most important part of any wedding.

It is the most hurtful horrible thing to do.

ohgood

That is class!!!!!!!!

Yes and on the day, you go along and dh and the kids camp out eating crisps at the pub playing minecraft on his phone :)

Please don't let your DDs see you being excluded in this way. She may be an attentive Grandmother but she is not the best role model for your children. Your DH is a good guy, not like some of the mummies boys you often see on MiI posts.