MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

Perhaps this is a perfect example of when to forgive but not forget. Yes you can move past this but you will never forget how MIL made you feel. And if I were you then she would forever be aware that you have not forgotten. I wouldn't be mean but I would definitely pull back so DH has to facilitate more family communications from now on, not every time but most.

Glad shes rectified this - although the fact that you and your DH basically had to shame her into it is shocking.

Echoing PPs that you cool things right off with her - she only has a decent relationship with you all because you’ve done all the running - let her make some effort. She’s shown you that in her eyes you’re not really family so I don’t see why she should benefit from all the stuff you’ve been doing for her which is what family do for each other - she doesn’t deserve it, not now anyway.

Good news!

Did make me wonder if, seeing as partners aren't invited to gatherings of her DP had been previously? Him not being blood or related by marriage?

Seems like at odd thought process really.

Maybe she's seen the light!

That's good news! Well, sort of.

Obviously the new location will need more/different decorations as it'll be bigger and you're rather short on time now...

It would appear that the venue is changing because it isn't suitable after all apparently

A good outcome on the face of it, and without doubt you've behaved impeccably

I'd watch out as far as possible for what she may be saying behind your back, though. Folk like this don't tend to enjoy having their approach challenged and if even the slightest thing about the new venue fails to please her it will probably be painted as your fault

You made The Mirror so hope mil doesn’t read it. Lol

I hope she does see the article, then will hopefully be directed to this thread, see all the responses and realise how transparent her nastiness is.

This thread is amazing - how can people think like that? My MIL is now an ExMIL (DH and I split; he is not remarried) and she still says I am her Daughter. I am the mother of her grandchildren; she would see less of them if I didn't facilitate it and she knows this. She also likes me as a person (I think) as when she had a bereavement I was the one who went with her to the funeral - her son couldn't, the second MrsBrunnen couldn't/didn't want to. She is part of my family still, and I am part of hers.

Your MIL is batshit crazy, inconsiderate and rude, and short-sighted with it.

~#He is NOW remarried!

Great update, OP! Proof that in-laws are only difficult when your DH/DP allows them to be. I'd bet she got more than one phone call of that nature over the weekend too, anyway.

@elisenbrunnen @Goosegettingfat

elisenbrunnen is right those who think that an in-law is not proper family have no experience of adoption or fuckwit blood relatives or more complex relationships.

Like elisenbrunnen my brother was divorced several years ago and my mother stayed in touch with his ex-wife. Partly because my mum felt it was fairest on the grandchildren and partly because they'd been married for 25+ years. She might not have felt "like a daughter" but she certainly felt like family.

When my mother was in her dying days this year, it was my ex sister in law who sat with her for half a day when my sister and I couldn't be there. My brother didn't bother.

"Blood" relatives aren't always what they're cracked up to be.

A decent result for you OP - move on with caution.

I know of one family where the couple divorced and the husband then emigrated. Extended family kept in the same regular contact with ex-wife because they all got on and she had the two DCs. Went on big groups hols together, very amicable. More than 20 years later, a brother of the husband is now divorced and ex-w has now married former BIL!

Really made the mirror?? [preens ridiculously] can I see it online? Can't find it.

Absolutely no danger of MIL seeing it!!! Mrskoala, yes, deflated is exactly how I feel. And an idiot. I have said several times recently to DH and friends how glad I was that the relationship between MIL and I had warmed over the last couple of years. And I do actually like many things about her! She's an interesting, accomplished and funny woman. Which is why it's a bit disappointing that she's just a bit of a cow as a MIL. Anyway. Yes, i quite agree: time to take a dignified step back from her. Thank you all for all the kind, funny and wise words.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/woman-gets-snubbed-mother-laws-12534853

Quite apart from enjoying 5 minis of fame ;) you have done all you can with dignity and kindness.

I would never forget this though, even now the solution is in place. I don’t believe a leopard changes her spots!

That's great, thanks for the update but shame it had to happen in the first place. You're not the idiot, MIL will realise the consequences will be far reaching in future and it's been her own making.

Oh my goodness! Literally the most famous thing I have ever done!!!

You sound absolutely lovely. I would hope that I would be able to handle such a situation with the dignity and grace you've shown, but I'm not sure I would manage that in reality.

I've had three threads picked up by the Mail from here (different username). Despite the fact that the information in them was very identifying, no-one who was involved saw them. The churn on those news sites is so great that even a 'front page' (no scrolling) link soon falls into oblivion.