MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

So this is a room that can only fit half a dozen people into it? The size of a living room?

And will she be happy for her new husband to miss out on family events because he's not "blood"?

This doesn't make sense. Your children are half-you. Her children are half-her. How did SHE get into the family?

In this situation I would let DH take the kids - although he can organise the dresses and everything - and go alone and I would arrange something interesting and relaxing and happy for myself. Take it as an opportunity! And I would stop being the go between altogether with the MIL. She’s sending you a very clear message.

How big is the reception?

Could you go on a course and become the Registrar?
She is a feeky chucker.

But your children have half and half blood - pure family blood from her son, and nasty stranger blood from you. They're not full blood relies - would she want the girls cut in half?

Your DDs might not want to be there without you although that's not the point, is it? Without you there wouldn't be any bridesmaids.

I think this is possibly the rudest CF-ery about weddings I've heard! I am really quite shocked at the bare-faced cheek. As someone else pointed out, she is not a good granny if she disses the grandchildren's mother. You see repeatedly on here that men are not good fathers is they abuse the mother of their children.

I am aghast - cannot comprehend! For once words fail me, but I can say - OP - YA Soooooo NBU.

Is she getting married in a toilet or a hot air balloon or something? I fail to understand how a room cannot accommodate one more person (or two, if you include the married in BIL?). Everyone can stand up and breathe in! Can't cost her any more to have another person physically present.

How can you not see your DC being bridesmaids?

Extraordinary.

Good god. The woman’s a cheeky fucker.

She is not a good granny. She doesn’t treat their mother with any respect. What message does that send to your dc? That you’re not a part of the family?

No grandparent is better than a vindictive one. I think your dh has it right. After all you do for her you’re still not considered worthy. Unbelievable.

YANBU. You are a family unit, you stand or fall together. DH needs to make this clear to his CF DM!

That sounds awful OP.

Did I read one of your last posts right that you also have a baby DS? Is he invited? Or expected to be with you at the pub (which may or may not even be allowed)?

I would be saying that your DH goes alone, save the money that you would have spent travelling for something else, wish her well then slowly draw back on contact.

I think you should let your DH choose whether he attends or not, he will have his own feelings tied into this.
I appreciate the point of being the bigger person and encouraging him to go, but I think if he doesn't want to, for what ever reason and in this case it's a jolly good one, he should be respected in his choice.
My ILs are very precious about new blood in the family and have pulled "family only" stunts, where DS and I haven't been invited, DH only went once before deciding never again. That seemed to stop them in their tracks and after a couple of attempts now invite all of us to things but that may be because they think DD is cute

You could stop running comms with her on the grounds that you only communicate with blood relatives...

Precious about new blood - I have no understanding of what people are thinking - they aren't the same blood are they when they get together?! And to use it as a basis of "in" or "out" is deranged.

Is this really a thing? Seems so - incy - so glad your tactics worked!

That's upsetting and also really crass, op. I think you're a better person than me though as I would be absolutely plotting away! Love the suggestion of putting your face up against the window. Also, might be good to fill up the dds with a lot of sugar pre ceremony! I am evil though!

She is happy for you to do so much to help and yet not have space for you
No way should you attend if you can't go to all of it. Let your DH tell her, it can all be his decision as far as she is concerned

With MIL being so keen on blood and all, DH's support for you all presenting a united front and not going will concentrate her mind when she hears about it, I think. You may then find that you are squeezed in after all and it was all a misunderstanding.

I love ohgoods idea! Your DH should phone his MIL and say "yes, Goose mentioned that there isn't enough room for both of us to be there - what a shame. We've decided Goose should go since she has done the decorations, is the one to keep in touch with you a lot and will have made all the arrangements, she's just desperate to see the kids be flower girls and it wouldn't be fair otherwise given how much effort she is putting in - I'll be fine to see some pics after...".

She doesn't get to involve your children and not you. I would categorically say no to that.

Your DH has got your back, you're not being OTT just have a conversation about it.

"MIL I was taken aback to find out I'm not invited to your wedding ceremony. I'm married to your son, and the mother of your grandchildren. If you want my children in the wedding party you can't exclude me."

It's basic manners and if the room she wanted is too small she needs to book somewhere else or let go of the bridesmaids.

I would causion a slightly more toned down response than many on here. Getting your DH to call to confirm the situation is good. Dont give into temptation to reply to her texts - leave them hanging, or if she messages again looking for a response from you just replay "DH is going to call you over the weekend."

Then take this as the level of 'family' connection she views you. When all's said and done, you aren't someone she thinks she has an obligation to, so you don't have an obligation to her. If your DH doesn't want to maintain a relationship with his mother, don't feel it's your job to maintain the relationship for him and your DDs, put bluntly, children don't miss what they never had.

If your MIL was so hot on 'blood relations' and felt that family relationships are important, she would have instilled that in her son. She's not done that.

That is absolutely dreadful behaviour from MIL, she's giving you a very clear message about how little she values you.

Withdraw your offers of help pronto, think twice about how much to spend on bridesmaid dresses, hotel, travel etc. In fact I'd consider withdrawing my girls as bridesmaids and let DH go alone.

Do the rest of her family know about this? What do they think of it?

After shit loads of pathetic drama around my own wedding, I am definitely of the ilk of your wedding your rules however, this is shocking and absolutely unacceptable.

You are being far too nice and deserve a bloody medal for putting up with that crap. Please don’t let your DDs see your MIL treat you this way.

Be led by your DH in this as he's spot on. If you're not invited then none of you go. She is openly and vindictively snubbing not just you as an individual but also your marriage and your position as DDs mother. If nothing else, it's a terrible example to let your DDs see and think of as in any way ok.

I know you don't want to out yourself, but I am so curious to know what sort of venue this is. Am I right in thinking it can only hold 6 adults and 4 small children?

Someone made a good point about photographs. If it's been chosen for its picturesque qualities, who's taking the pictures?

I mean could your DH just say, "thanks, DM, we'll let you know which one of us is going to be there". Boom.

That's what I'd do. I wouldn't dump her completely after this but I would stop with the catch up calls/emails etc. Also would stop dead on any help other than the dresses for the wedding. She doesn't see your relationship the same as you see it - her loss. She is really weird though.

Also I'm afraid I'd spend the reception joking about how the groom was lucky he got in the room as everyone else who "married in" was excluded - if dh was making a speech I"d actually have him say that "and George, welcome to the family. You do realise this is the last wedding you'll ever get to har har".

I agree it's a terrible thing for your DDs to see- what message does that send them?

Just stop facilitating the relationship with her, leave it to her son who doesn't seem to want to speak to her much anyway.

No way would I put myself out for this woman at all. She wants you to spend loads on dresses, decorations and travel to venue then you are not even allowed in to ceremony to see your DDs as bridesmaids. Your DH is right. Either you all go or none of you. What is the matter with some of these MIL?