MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

Gps that don't count their dm as family are really not necessary for your dc.

Too right! x

I think I might get DH to call her this weekend along the lines of "hi dm, how are the wedding plans? Goose seems to have some idea that she won't be invited to the actual ceremony even though dds and I will be there, but I've told her that can't be the case because you love her like a daughter!" And then see what unfolds. I do appreciate that they're trying to keep this as cheap as possible, but she does have substantial form for wanting to exclude the married-on family members. I won't be cutting her off from our family but if she doesn't at least express regret (and she hasn't so far) that I can't come, I think I might not make so much effort for her in the future. Reasonable response? Or a bit weak??

Can I be completely frank, why is this nasty spiteful controlling woman better than not having any gps?

She lives so far away as to be of any real use, and sounds horrifically rude and selfish and yet she is better than nothing? I just can not imagine how much worse she could be, and yet you still hold on to this dream that she will somehow change and be the lovely granny your children deserve (she won't ever change by the way)

My dh parents are dead, and my parents are utterly useless and disengaged and we get along just fine without them. We have great friends and see the members of the family that we do still have occasionally, and enjoy that BUT your children will honestly be fine without her. Trust me. I would go as far as to say they are better off without her.

By all emans keep up the bday cards and gifts but you seriously can not be putting any more of your life, energy and money into this woman Op. She is not grateful, she seriously dislikes you (how can we think otherwise after this) and she is nothing but trouble.

Your dh has the true measure of her, and is coming down firmly with you, be glad you have such a lovely and insightful husband and be glad she is bloody miles and miles away!!

Is there a window into the venue that you and the other spouse could stand at, with your noses pressed against the glass for the duration of the ceremony?

She's sort of the best they've got, so I really do want to keep the relationship going for their sakes

I think they would be better off without gps if said gps are only using them as decoration and treat their mother with such disdain

My own dc have grown up without gps. No big deal.
Better that than the alternative

Yes ask dh to express horror at even the mere hint that you will not be there, and to say that he can't possibly leave you in the pub, it would be disrespectful and inconceivable for him to do this.

If she persists with leaving you out, he might like to tell her in that case it has made it impossible for him to go. Ask her to go away and think about it and come back to him with a solution that will work for everyone.

In the meantime silence from you. No calls, no plans nothing.

It is her wedding and she can do as she pleases, but it is your choice whether any of you actually go.

Make no mistake the venue may be small, but she did this quite purposefully and I would not trust her an inch.

I try to be reasonable about these things, but I'm afraid I don't think that's a capacity/cost issue - more a case of making it clear that DH is "true family" and in her mind you're not

Your lovely DH's attitude is the right one, and if inviting you means leaving off someone else then that's what I'd expect to happen

Trying to keep a decent relationship with her is fine, but not if all the effort has to come from you; you're a family unit and that's the way you should be treated, especially when you're expected to do so much towards the wedding

MILIBVU!

Imagine in 10 years, how are you going to explain to the kids that you werent even invited? If theyre young now you can probably fudge it a bit, but once they get to mid teens theyll work it out for themselves. Do hou want them to think you are/were a walkover?

And scrap my last advice. Don't go and stop the cosy catch up phone calls. Treat her as she has treated you.

No, in fairness she really is a lovely granny- likes playing with the dc when we all go on hols together- always sends dds thoughtful cards/ trinkets at Easter/ new school year etc. knits them all jumpers and makes clothes for baby Ds. She's just a bit caustic as a MIL. Reading this has made me realize it is a bit of an unbalanced relationship though.

Is there a window into the venue that you and the other spouse could stand at, with your noses pressed against the glass for the duration of the ceremony?

I love this! If you do decide to go, don't stay in the pub, do this! Take lots of photos from there too and post them on fb.

Your DH needs to give her his original stance. If you aren't there then he won't be. Can't believe she's doing this.

DH needs to suggest to her that if the venue isn't big enough to fit one more person, she should opt for a different venue. I must admit, I struggle to envisage somewhere that is big enough for a gaggle of bridesmaids and pages but can't accommodate one more adult.

This seems to be a rather nasty thing to do to you. I've never heard of spouses being excluded in such a way. I'm astonished.

I think it's extremely rude. It's in effect saying you're not good enough.

Your dh needs to stand up and say to his mother that she needs to get over herself and not to be so vile to someone he loves.

I've just had a thought though- DSIL and DBIL are not actually part of the wedding party (ie they're not bridesmaids/ best man etc) so since they're going, it really is not a "we only have room for the wedding party" thing, it's definitely a "we only have room for the blood family" thing.

That’s awful. The only reason I’d go along with it is the fact that her wedding is going to look like a Benny Hill show with all the guests running after all these page boys and bridesmaids.

Of course there are limits on places, but she planned her wedding backwards. First, you think of the people that must be there, then you find a venue to fit. To the poster talking about registry office 20 people max, the solution isn’t to disinvite spouses from the ceremony, the solution is to find another venue!

She is not a lovely granny though because she treats their mother badly.

My poor mother had a monstrous MIL (not dissimilar to yours) but my grandmother adored us, it made me feel terrible that she was so nice to us and so awful to my mother. I did not enjoy my time with her as a result and mostly wished we didn't have to go.

I have to warn you I also lost a great deal of respect for my mother being used as a doormat and being treated like a second class citizen. You are giving your own children a very strong message that it is okay for people to treat you badly (and best case they may lose some respect for you, worse case they will start to accept that kind of treatment themselves)

Do remember that children are observant and this is how they will think 'normal' families function. It is passing on a very powerful precedent to the future generations of your family.

How many others is she excluding? Are there three spouses (of her own children) on your side? And how many on her DH-to-be's side? This is going to end as a huge mess unless absolutely everyone on both sides of the family happens to have a big sense of humour and a high degree of tolerance for frankly crazy behaviour!

Of course she is being very unreasonable! How could you even question this? She's a rude, horrid person. I thought the English were supposed to be terrified of embarrassing themselves, and yet there are so many CFs on MN.

Also, if you have little girls. Worst case one sits on your or your H’s lap if there are genuinely no seats. Your H is right to say you are only a package deal. That’s the only way she’ll stop this.

She can paint you to be a villain but anyone who says she disinvited her DIL out of space for a destination wedding is always going to sound like a bridge troll.

Have you spoken to dSIL and dBIL? What do they think of this?

Your MIL is doing a brilliant job of being as divisive as possible.

So she does stuff for those that have a bit of her blood running through their veins but the rest can run around after her as much as they want but they will never be family.

Time to cut your losses she is not a nice granny if she doesn't respect the mother if her gc.
Who knows what she will say about you to your dc as they get older. I can only see trouble on the horizon if you continue to serve dc up.to her whenever she clicks her fingers.

Oh god my late DM's family was like this - six siblings, four women, two men, and they were unbelievably exclusive especially to the SILs-- .
Because they were not 'family' .
It was, and is, toxic and I hope it is addressed openly and put right for you, OP.
You would definitely NBU to put your foot down about it, otherwise who knows what she will come up with next? Holidays or visits with her for your DH and DDs, but not for you?

We turned down the most beautiful venues we saw because they couldn't fit the number of guests we were inviting. We ended up going for a less grand venue with more space so that we could afford to have the guests that were essential to us. I can't imagine anyone who would work this the other way around.