MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

I can see why you are hurt, has it been booked? If so I guess there isn't much you can do. She would have to get rid of one someone wouldn't she? Could your DD sit on your lap or too old? Very poor planning on her part, and probably deliberate.

Assuming BIL (sisters husband) will be in the same position I would probably go to the pub for a few drinks with him to be honest.

What an odd, controlling woman! You're family too, not some random person off the street

I would ring the venue as a potential client and see how many it holds tbh.

I think DH needs to talk to her, and see if he can get her to change her mind.

Failing that, I think you have to put a brace face on it.

And perhaps go and get sloshed with the other trailing DP

I'm usually not in the go NC route but I do think as a minimum your husband is right - none of you should go. This is such a snub. It's just plain rude. I'm not bothered usually about evening invites doesn't upset me but as the daughter in law - let alone someone who has helped pay & work for the wedding - it's just not on. I'm usually not a no contact person but this would have pushed me to this. She could and should have found a venue to accommodate 2 extra people - even if this was the most sentimental venue in the world to her you and the BiL should come first.

What are you going to do then OP?

You are the wedding party. Your married to her DS and are part of the family, I have never heard of a wife not being invited to join the ceremony. Let your DH talk to his DM as this is truly shocking...

Well. I think I would do as she has requested, dresses, kids, hire car etc then I would be stopping all of this: so I keep in touch with her several times a week, and leaving it up to your husband. He's too busy and a man of few words? Not your problem.

There is absolutely no way any of us would be going at all. Full stop.

Unbelievably rude, SHE is clearly not remotely interested in keeping YOU happy although it is fair to say you have been incredibly patient.

I would allow your dh to make the choice whether he goes, and support him either way. He could tell her unless you are there then he can not go, he has already offered this, so I would see what she says. He can put it nicely - but there is no way this would be acceptable to split us up like that (the message is loud and clear, you are second best to the rest of family) totally unacceptable.

It’s an awfully big coincidence that the venue only holds the exact number of blood relatives she has.

I too would be ringing the venue.

Oh it's fine mil, dh says i can sit on his knee.
After all he is my husband!!

She's a witch. I think you should actually speak to her and tell her how hurt you are, and that as she doesn't see you as part of the family, you will be handing all contact and keeping in touch and gift buying back to your DH, and not doing any prep or helping for the wedding after all.

tbh - I would refuse to go at all. If that means your DH and DC don't go either, well that is a direct consequence of her own nastiness.

I like that your DH has your back. He knows what his mother is like and chooses to have little to do with her. Take a leaf out of his book and back right off. Do nothing, organise no visits, no catchups, no gifts, no phonecalls, no photos etc.

She can reap what she's sown.

I am very glad I posted on here! Really wasn't sure if I was being a diva about this! Without being too outing, i am sure that due to H&s, the venue can genuinely only accommodate this number of people

Oh hell no.

She's using you as a bank then telling you don't come in.

I would tell her that "sorry but it's quite expensive for something that only lasts awhile and i don't think we can manage decorations etc- how about we just attend reception and we will see you when you visit us"

I am pondering this, because I don't want to cut my nose off etc. my dc are a bit thin on the gp front. She's sort of the best they've got, so I really do want to keep the relationship going for their sakes.

This an absolute fucking disgrace. She's excluding you, surely she must be able to see that? If there REALLY isn't enough room for you all, then she should have done the decent thing and picked another venue. That's what we had to do: MIL handed us a list of 60 names (!) for our wedding that she wanted inviting, and the venue only allowed 85 ... we had to whittle down her list for her and change venue. I think @Aprilmightbemynewname has the right idea: we're all far too busy to attend, MIL.

As you stated before if there is genuinely no room for anyone else what would you like her to do? It’s not nice but it doesn’t seem like you’re being deliberately, nastily excluded

Id not be doing any prep for the wedding id be leaving it to your dh

I would firstly, be nice and say you know it's a very small venue, could one of the children sit on your lap?

If she comes back with any version of no, I would then clarify, "So, just to be clear, you want me to help decorate the venue, buy the girls dresses and make them look nice on the day, pay for flights, accommodation and car hire, but I'm not actually welcome to come to the ceremony?"

I'd be interested to know her response.

Is this for real? She's getting married (the MIL) but her children's marriages (or at least their spouses) don't seem to count the same way hers does?

It's a no from me too.

Wow!

If she’s so bloody keen on blood relatives only, surprised the groom to be is allowed.

Sorry I’d let your dh tell his mum what he wants to. That is shocking.

WEES, get your OH to contact her and say you're a unit - either you're all invited or none of you are coming.

How bloody rude! Who wants to go to all that time and trouble and expense (where does she live - are we talking transatlantic flights or European?) when they're not even invited to the important bit.

I'd just stop communicating with her until he's had this conversation. Then you know where you stand. Do the children know they're going to be bridesmaids/pageboys - if it hasn't already been mentioned to them I wouldn't say anything, just in case it all blows up.

I normally keep the peace at all costs, but I have CFery going on with my SIL, and have called her on it. It means we've fallen out, but a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I was preserving the peace for everyone else's sake, but not speaking out about how shit I was feeling about the whole thing. The fact that she clearly didn't give a shit about my feelings was really evident by her reaction.

You may end up with the mother of all fallings out, you will hopefully have a slightly embarassed apology and a proper invitation. But she's walking over you and at the moment you're letting her to keep the peace. It's wife work again. Can you imagine being in the same situation with your parents and your OH working this hard to keep your mum happy?

Goosegettingfat

She's sort of the best they've got, so I really do want to keep the relationship going for their sakes

Do you she's using this to her advantage?

So someone who she chats to 3 or 4 days per week, is married to their ds, is going to do all the decorations, provide the bridesmaids and kit them and their ds out is told to wait in the pub

I definitely wouldn't go.

Wouldn't be sending dd's either.

I would be saying sorry mil not worth it just to be sat in a pub.

Oh my gosh that is outrageous! all or nothing in my eyes- tell her how you feel but stay calm and don't give her the satisfaction of an argument