MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

DH has declared (to me) that if I'm not there, he won't be there. Which is v nice of him, but I wouldn't actually want him to make a stand- I'd only get painted as the villain.

Well at least dh has got your back theres a situation thats shortly to occur with my fil where i know 100% that i will be painted as the villain, even tho the situation and decision my dh and sil have made is bugger all to do with me, but like your dh, my dh has my back

If you was a new partner, fair enough, but your married! You have kids with him, her gc! Id be so offended i just wouldn't go to any of it and just tell dh he could do whatever he wished but to just leave me out if it

Oh my God.

So YOU are the one who facilitates her relationship with her DGC because your h doesn't wasnt to/can't do it.

YOU are the one who has helped her with wedding plans, and spent time and money doing so.

And YOU are the one she wants to exclude from her wedding?

Fuck me. I honestly can't believe this. What is she thinking?

Your dh needs to say all I've said above, and all you say in your post, and ask his mum why she has said something so hurtful. And tell her to apologise to you and find somewhere for her wedding you can all fit in.

My God. She is batshit.

I’d be quite miffed. If your SIL and BIL spouses are benched at the pub too I’d turn my thoughts to how much more fun being stranded there until the wedding party return could be.

That is just not nice. You are married to her son and you are the mother of her grandchildren, to ask for the help and then to exclude you is beyond rude and if she really, really, really had to do so because of numbers she should have been very open and very apologetic and probably not have included your children, only her children. Your kids are going to wonder why you aren't there. Its just rude.

Oh and groom doesn't have family, although has presumably got a friend to be best man. I should also say that the invites have not gone out yet, she's just explained this to me via texts. So I'm hoping she might change her mind about the venue. Tempted to ask her if she would have minded if I'd left her out of my wedding!

So your DH of few words needs to make the time for a few words and tell his mother that she is taking the absolute piss and how can she possibly think it is acceptable to allow you to invest so much time and money towards her wedding then be excluded.

Brilliant @TestingTesting!! Hahahaha!

Gosh. What a horrid situation for her to put you in. I'm staggered she didn't see this as being an unsuitable arrangement. And now you are in the horrid predicament of having to ask to be at a wedding. You'll have to though.

I like Testing's response.

“Tempted to ask her if she would have minded if I’d left her out of my wedding”

I think that is a very good way to put it to her.

Either you or DH needs to tell MIL that:
"We are a family. It is ALL of us, or NONE of us. Choose."

Do NOT provide any dresses
Do NOT spend any money
Do NOT allow DD to be bridesmaid

All these people saying "provide dresses and allow to go but have nothing to do with it" - In other words, do what she's asked?!?!?!?!?!?!

Just when I thought I couldn't care less about another 'wedding one' ......... What a corker.

Your DH sounds lovely. There is no way I would be hanging around in a pub waiting for scraps of activity to be thrown in my direction. If there is no wiggle room on numbers then her wedding venue is too small and unsuitable, she needs to change it to accommodate HER FAMILY BY MARRIAGE.

(Speaking from bitter experience) Look on the bright side, the less you are involved in the wedding, the less you will have to do with the divorce...

Is it usual for mature brides to have the full panoply of bridesmaids and page boys ? Not being ageist, or not deliberately so as am older myself, just not something I have seen where the wedding couple are grandparents and I have been to a few recently. Each to their own, I suppose.

It does sound unfairly exclusionary towards you, OP.

So she wants to use your dd's as props for her photos? After all they are only half her blood.
You do your dd's no favours for allowing her to do this. In time they will see she holds no respect for you and they will wonder why she was allowed to get away with treating you so shabby.

If your mil does not value relationships by marriage then her future dh should not be at the ceremony either ... Blood family only ...

Can you independently check the number of guests this venue can hold? You would then know if she is choosing to not have you (and sil's dp) there and call her out on this. YANBU

MILzilla
Needs to back off with her entourage

Is they family dog an encushioned ring bearer just to rub your nose in it further?

How incredibly rude of her! Doesn't seem like your family would be missing much if your DH did as he said and didn't go either. Why are you putting yourself through so much for this woman?

I'd find it hard to care. The reception is the enjoyable part, surely? It seems way OTT to have page boys and flower girls as a mature woman, for a second marriage.

I'd enjoy the reception, and let the DDs be flower girls, but I wouldn't do a thing to help from now on. Your card has been marked.

I sort of think it depends how she's explained it to you. If the venue is beautiful and all she can afford, she's explained it to you regretfully and is sincerely sorry, and acknowledges all the effort you've put in - then actually I'd be inclined to roll my eyes slightly, but go with it.

If she's announced this is what's happening without even referencing that it's less than ideal in terms of you being excluded, then that's much more of a problem.

She can not expect you to make an enormous financial and practical effort to celebrate her marriage whilst at the same time disrespecting your marriage to her son

That's bang out of order. Your children and husband are actually taking part in the ceremony and you aren't even invited? I'm sorry! But glad your OH is sticking by you. I can only say where do people get these shocking ideas?!

I do like Testings response very much. I also think that your dh could perhaps adapt and send the message on your behalf as a family. He could also state how hurt you both are and as you said, ask how she’s feel if “we’d both left her out of our wedding”.

She's bonkers. And needs to choose another wedding venue pronto. One that has space for her children's spouses and the parents of her grandchildren!