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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL's wedding

419 replies

Goosegettingfat · 11/05/2018 09:09

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too Grin. Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

OP posts:
Original poster
Goosegettingfat · 13/05/2018 19:32

Ewab i don't mind a different point of view but I think you may have missed some of the important details (and I'm sorry to hear about your brother's wedding. That sounds very intentionally hurtful).
My dds are 4&5. They could not care less about the gravity and pomp of the ceremony. They will, however, delight in new dresses and will want their mother to watch them. In fact it's very possible they won't even budge unless I'm there - not forgetting their df will be otherwise engaged.

  1. I am the one who is supposed to do all the organizing of my family, so it's not just a case of washing my hands of it- none of it will happen as far as our participation goes without my effort.
  2. The wedding is in a foreign country. I can't just sit at home and have a peaceful afternoon with the baby (which would be considered a huge snub anyway) this is a 4 day event, and my DH doesn't fancy traveling alone for 4 days with our two small daughters. And I don't blame him. It's a right mission alone!
I think these things make this different to your brothers wedding tbh
OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 13/05/2018 20:28

So it’s a four-day event and you’re invited to everything except the ceremony that they are having in a very small space because it means something special to them ?

Gloryificus · 13/05/2018 20:34

Good on your DH for his no nonsense drama free approach to your MILs ridiculous exclusion of you. And this time it was definitely a mil problem!!
And you are correct with your dds being so young they would instantly noticed your absence the ceremony itself will mean nothing to them other than 'new dresses and where's mummy?'

Original poster
Goosegettingfat · 13/05/2018 20:55

Jenny it would be a 4 day event for us due to us having to travel there. Yes I am invited to the pub after. The location of the ceremony is motivated by it being cheap. Hence DH offering to help with the cost of a bigger venue.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 13/05/2018 21:22

Ewab that is a nutty doormat point of view. The partner of your child and the mother of your grandchildren is part of your family, that’s what marriage does- just as mils fiancé is joining the family and will be at the ceremony. Yes I’m sure
Mil has a special love for her own children - she needs to respect their love for their family as part of that.

Sunshineface123 · 13/05/2018 21:50

Wow! Looking forward to seeing how this all pans out. You sound like a lovely daughter in law. Completely agree you should be there with your girls, what a strange thing for her to do!

Staying · 13/05/2018 21:59

Your DH played a blinder! I wouldn't say anything else to her now at all. And also do nothing more prep wise until it's been confirmed that you'll be there. I'm not sure she'll come back and say it's all sorted and it will actually all be sorted but here's hoping!

Choosegopse · 13/05/2018 22:01

She’s batshit but tbh I would suck it up. Just withdraw from all the whatsapp chats, let your DH do all the organising and then have a nice peaceful afternoon at a spa and see them later. Make your DH be the link with her now, you’ve done your bit.

GColdtimer · 13/05/2018 22:42

Choose she can't have a peaceful day at the spa, she has a baby. And her dds won't want to go without her anyway.

stayanotherday · 13/05/2018 23:12

Well done you both sound lovely and mature and have been firm but fair.

TBH I wouldn't want to go now anyway as she didn't want you there in the first place. I'm glad you're staying out of the preparations.

It's very hurtful to think you have a good relationship with somebody and have made an effort to be pulled up short and it's not what you believed it to be. It's unfair, rude and nasty. You're just an unpaid skivvy to her. Well done for standing down in future and letting your husband deal with her. She'll regret shutting you out. Your children have picked up on it as well which makes her look really bad.

My MIL was lovely for the first few months and I was pleased we got on only for her to suddenly turn very nasty and cut me out when she realised I was permanent. I told her in a firm but reasonable way if she wanted to be like that, that was up to her but I wasn't going to be treated badly and so she banned from her house and would only write Christmas cards to DP as she only bothered with family. I was very upset but told DP his relationship with her was his business. I got on with my life and stayed away while he made short visits.

She had no friends or hobbies and lived a sad boring existence. She wasn't allowed in our house either. She wanted all her family round for Christmas day but obviously DP spent it with me as I wasn't welcome so she missed out. Years later things changed, she was widowed and seriously ill for a few years. DP did lots for her but few others did. She started asking DP "if I'd like to come for Sunday dinner, Christmas day etc." Bought me a present. I threw it away and told him no it was too late after being snubbed for years. I wasn't going to risk being her skivvy if that's what her agenda was or pandering to her when it suited. She ended up very lonely as she outlived her peers and didn't really have a female relative for company or to help her with personal care. She's dead now. It could have been different but she brought it on herself.

I feel sorry for you as it's uncalled for but it will hit home when you're not around much and she misses out, her loss.

GnotherGnu · 14/05/2018 00:21

This will now mean she has to invite other inlaws and her wedding ceremony will not have the dynamic she wants.

Nonsense. The most it means is that she will need to invite any other daughters and sons-in-law. Unless she has hordes of children, it won't affect any dynamic.

Moreover, the choice of venue seems to have been governed by money, not any wish for a particular dynamic.

pallisers · 14/05/2018 00:46

Your children will understand that you aren’t related to your MiL

on what planet? My children are in their late teens and know we are all related to each other - bils/sils/cousins in law etc. We are a family.

EWAB I'm sorry your brother did that and I'm not sure you could have done anything differently - but by tolerating the exclusion of your spouses you and your siblings have made it clear that your brother can exclude them without consequences. Next event, why wouldn't he do the same? OP's dh has made it clear to his mother that there won't be any major falling out but his wife goes with him to this important event or he doesn't go. perfectly healthy response. Of course the OP knows now where she stands with her mother in law. But more important she knows where she stands with her husband - and so does her mil for future occasions.

OP, your dh is brilliant. love the pauses.

Fullerhouse · 14/05/2018 08:57

Have you heard back from mil op?

Original poster
Goosegettingfat · 14/05/2018 09:30

Good morning all. I have had an email from MIL. It would appear that the venue is changing because it isn't suitable after all apparently Grin

I know that this seems a hollow victory in some ways - clearly MIL doesn't regard me as family completely and nothing will change that. However, at least now she knows that DH does and I can watch dds being bridesmaids.

OP posts:
Loyaultemelie · 14/05/2018 09:35

Well that's good news at least Goose and well done to your dh

NWQM · 14/05/2018 10:07

Good to hear OP. Hopefully you can enjoy it from the aspect of being a proud Mum of gorgeous bridesmaids.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 14/05/2018 10:08

So now are you going to reassess your very frequent phone calls? Grin

MrsKoala · 14/05/2018 10:26

That's great. But a bit sad it all happened. You must feel a bit deflated by it all.

If i were you i'd still only do the dresses and nothing else, i'd cool it off massively. Let DH do the contact. Be polite, but don't go out of your way again.

I'm glad your DH is lovely.

fuzzyfozzy · 14/05/2018 10:29

Fantastic

Aprilmightbemynewname · 14/05/2018 10:35

And now you can back off from all the effort you have put into your relationship now you are aware of her true feelings - or lack of.

Maybe a congrats card for her and a sympathy one for her dh?!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/05/2018 10:37

Well I guess hurrah? it's a bit of a shame she didn't work that out before it was forcibly pointed out to her, but hey.
At least you get to see your DDs in their bridesmaid roles. :)

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 10:44

Well that’s a result. How are you feeling about your mil now after the effort you have and were intending on putting in?

SpandexTutu · 14/05/2018 10:47

That's good news.
Fingers crossed that she does not create any more drama and you can all have a great day!

FizzyGreenWater · 14/05/2018 11:01

Good outcome.

Agree with others - the one thing you DON'T do now is come right back in and start running round after her again - doing decorations - phoning her - business as usual. Nope. Or she'll carry on seeing you as some kind of afterthought, who she doesn't ever need to keep on side of as you don't matter.

I'd even reply to her email with something along the lines of 'Oh good, DDs will be pleased, they would have hated to miss it!' - something which underlines the fact that it's not just DH here - YOU are also making the point that your daughters won't be playing happy families with people who don't consider their own mother part of that family.

And then. No phonecalls. 'Oh hi MIL! Oh sorry yes. We've been so busy... have meant to call you, I'm sure you're busy with the wedding though...' Make HER now call you, if she wants that to continue. Set out your stall. She either does a little bit of crawling, or she can fuck off with all the darling daughter stuff that YOU DO FOR HER.

Decorations? Say nothing. Wait for her to ask.

I know this sounds terribly petty - but really, it ISN'T. She's really, really insulted you and your family - her son's family. Your children are little right now, but they won't always be - this is the perfect opportunity to come down very hard on her attitude in a way which doesn't cause a blazing row but lets her see, very clearly, where she will end up in the family pecking order if she doesn't change - if she doesn't start truly seeing you as a linchpin, someone she needs to truly, fully respect if she's to be welcome to share your family times.

The other option is for your children to grow up absorbing an ever-so-slightly dysfunctional dynamic, where Mummy is a second-class member of the 'family' that MIL and their Dad represent. That is something you definitely don't want.

Annasgirl · 14/05/2018 11:02

Oh congrats Goose - that’s a great outcome. Like others have suggested I would let DH do all the MIL communicating from now on. Sometimes you need to pull back and focus on the people in your family who loves be you as opposed to those who
tolerate you. This will become more apparent as you DCs get older, life becomes more stressful for you and having less to do with MIL will help.
Hope you all have a wonderful time and that the 5 of you get some family time while you are away.

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