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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL's wedding

419 replies

Goosegettingfat · 11/05/2018 09:09

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too Grin. Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

OP posts:
AHobbyaweek · 12/05/2018 18:34

How did the chat go OP?

SW6mama · 12/05/2018 19:13

I think you sound wonderfully flexible, generous and mature. She’s very lucky to have you in her life. It would probably have been less insulting if she had just invited her son - as her core ‘blood’ family at least it’s a delineation that you could probably accept as making some sort of sense (though still not ideal) I totally agree you are at risk of being painted as the villain here if you are not careful. And there is nothing more misery-making than a big family feud. The question is, would you prefer to be right than happy?!!! I think maybe a sensible option might be to get your husband to offer a couple of options. Either he attends the ceremony on his own - representing your family, and you and the girls go to reception (wearing the prettiest things currently in their wardrobes!) or alternatively you all go to the ceremony together. Then either way you don’t get left out. She also can’t complain as perfectly reasonable, so can’t be painted the villain. And neither option gives her what she wants which is a cute passive aggressive blow that would be quite satisfying! Halo

ZenNudist · 12/05/2018 19:52

Well she's really told you what she thinks of you.

Buenavista · 12/05/2018 20:21

Such a difficult one!! She’s being completely self centred and bridezilla - however I think if you do anything other than agree I think it would all become about you, but I still think you can be honest. Something like, I want you to have a lovely ceremony, and so happy for you, but I’d love to be there too if it was possible to celebrate with you and especially to see the girls as bridesmaids.

Buenavista · 12/05/2018 20:24

Couldn’t one of your DD’s sit on your lap?!!!

Spudina · 12/05/2018 20:25

You sound really lovely and thoughtful OP. She is lucky to have you as a DIL. But I would pull back a bit after this whatever happens. Nasty behaviour on her part.

Feelingsad33 · 12/05/2018 21:50

Not rtft so apologies if this has been pointed out but presumably her intended would be excluded from such ‘blood family’ events in future...

Me thinks not

Original poster
Goosegettingfat · 12/05/2018 21:51

Thank you for all the kind and constructive comments. No buena- unfortunately it can't be solved by parking a dc on a lap it's a capacity number licensing problem rather than a physical space problem.

Just a mini update- DH has selfishly spent last 12 hours throwing up with awful bug. It seemed insensitive to demand that he drags himself from dying swan pose to have it out with MIL. So (annoyingly) no news yet. Hopefully tomorrow!

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 12/05/2018 22:37

DH has selfishly spent last 12 hours throwing up with awful bug.

Well, he did say he was going to call this weekend - it’s just that it’s the big white phone... Grin

Sorry, I hope he’s feeling better soon!

New to thread and she really beggars belief. If she’s insistent on charging ahead with this I’d definitely remind her that I won’t be facilitating anymore regular phone calls to the DGC, nor making decorations, buying dresses or paying for anything else - only do shit like that for ‘blood’ innit?

Fillybuster · 13/05/2018 00:36

Wow. I’ve rtwt and am simply gobsmacked.

OP, you might be the nicest person on MN. And no, YNBU!!

is it wrong that I really want your dh to recover quickly just so we can find out what happens when he speaks to his mum? (I may be over invested....)

Scarriff · 13/05/2018 10:13

Oh well, its only the marriage bit. Irritating of course especially since you are friends. I'd go along with it, just because...........
Im in a mellow mood this morning I think. Just think that the dear woman has a new husband and new inlaws to condescend to. Your burden is lightened. Peace will break out. Have fun at the Reception and be saintly.

1ittlegreen · 13/05/2018 10:25

You sound lovely op, bit concerned that you still want to go. The blow of originally not being invited won't diminish, even if you do manage to persuade her to invite you.

I have been in a very similar situation in 2009 and I still get upset/angry when I think about it now. I think if I had been invited later in the process I still wouldn't have gone because they originally DIDN'T WANT ME THERE. It's funny, just before I read this post I was looking through some old pictures with DH and ds and there was one of me, at the reception, stood next to a beautiful cake which I had made for them, which they later suggested could be my wedding gift to them (instead of reimbursement).

I just think if you go with it and do just go to the reception, you may potentially feel really rubbish about yourself down the line like I did. If you do go to reception only, make sure to bring it up at every possible family event/meal from now on. And slow down on the contact thing a bit and let her chase you, see if she really values you or not. If she doesn't, then no point forcing yourself somewhere or on someone when you are not wanted.

BrownTurkey · 13/05/2018 10:48

I don’t know. It IS really rude. It is also something she has form for. And she is getting married and making choices about what she wants. I am just not sure this is the time to make an issue of it. She will take the moral high ground because it is her wedding. As you like her, and as she is a nice grandma (with blindspots), I would tease her, definitely. I would keep doing what I had committed to, but gently refuse any more cost or work with an ‘I only got an evening invite’ joke. But would I encourage my dh to make a stand, get the venue changed, make it a line in the sand? Probably not. Too much chance for a long term rift, too much chance of ruining a family occasion, too much chance of making her look in the right, whilst missing the opportunity to let her learn that you are a lovely and committed member of the family. Of course it is up to DH, but I would make the point gently, or at another time. I realise my pov is probably unpopular.

Juells · 13/05/2018 10:51

But would I encourage my dh to make a stand, get the venue changed, make it a line in the sand? Probably not. Too much chance for a long term rift, too much chance of ruining a family occasion,

Although I'd be inclined to throw a strop, I think this ^^ is very good advice.

SandAndSea · 13/05/2018 11:44

...Too much chance for a long term rift, too much chance of ruining a family occasion

I agree that this sounds like good advice. But the truth is, it's a family occasion where the mil is making it clear that she doesn't consider OP to be part of the family! Instead, it seems that she thinks of OP more like staff!

I was a very young bridesmaid at a family wedding (over 40 years ago) and the photo is STILL on display at my mum's house and the family STILL talk about it! It's not just 20 minutes that the OP is being excluded from.

iheartmichellemallon · 13/05/2018 12:43

So hurtful Op - hope it gets sorted out.

Motoko · 13/05/2018 12:47

I would wonder why the groom has only one friend. Is it because that is all mil will allow

I wondered that too. After all, if the groom had anyone else there (other than best man), MIL wouldn't be able to have all of her "family" there. The obvious solution would be to choose a different venue, so they could invite everyone, but MIL doesn't want anyone who's not "her family" there.

RandomMess · 13/05/2018 12:51

It's all very ironic how she wants your DH and DDs there to celebrate her marriage to someone who is of no blood relation to them yet she considers his spouse not having the same importance to your DH.

It is such blatant double standards. I wouldn't be out to cause a rift but I think if I were DH I would being saying that either ALL his DC and his spouse is part of the ceremony or it's just him. His youngest is also excluded!!!

ememem84 · 13/05/2018 13:56

This is absolutely something my mil would do.

She declared one Christmas that presents were for family only. So nothing for me (which I’m fine about now. Was shocked at the time - Christmas morning...)

I’ve scaled back everything (not just because of lack of Christmas gifts there are other factors which could fill a thread on their own) and have left dh to deal with her.

My life as a result is easier.

JennyHolzersGhost · 13/05/2018 14:28

I agree with Brown Turkey.
From the sounds of it, your dynamic is similar to the relationship my mother had with her MIL (my grandmother). She didn’t pick fights and she rose above it, but she also didn’t go to great lengths to pander either - so since my dad was a bit crap at keeping my grandma in the loop, she missed out. In this situation my mum would have done as my grandma wanted but she also wouldn’t have put herself out to help with organisational issues etc.

As it turned out my grandma softened quite a bit after my grandfather died because she spent a lot more time travelling, saw more of the world, her horizons broadened and she became a lot better at accepting people for themselves. She and my mum got on a lot better and the communication improved. But if she hadn’t then I don’t think my mum would have regretted her approach to the situation.

It’s very easy to advise someone on here to make a big fuss about something. But in these kind of longstanding complex family dynamics that can actually be a pretty terrible idea in practice.

Gemini69 · 13/05/2018 14:45

darn it I was hoping for an update Grin

Original poster
Goosegettingfat · 13/05/2018 15:21

I have an update!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 13/05/2018 15:24

Okaaaaay. Aaaand!
(Awaits)

Original poster
Goosegettingfat · 13/05/2018 15:35

So, for those who were patient enough to rtft, you will remember I said that DH is a man of few words. He is, however, a bloody ninja of the long pause. He played this really rather well I think by deciding to FaceTime MIL with dds
DH: so how are the wedding plans?
MIL: coming along well!
DH: great. So it's at xxxx? I've only heard bits and pieces but goose thinks she can't come to the ceremony, only the evening thing... [awkward pause] but everyone's coming to the main thing, right?
Dd1 (incredulous): is mummy not coming to the wedding?
Dd2 (concerned): why is mummy not coming?
[very long awkward pause]
MIL: well it's a bit difficult....
DH:....
MIL: we haven't quite sorted out the details but we're confident it can all be sorted.
DH: ok great, it's just I'm not sure how it's going to work if goose isn't there. Anyway, how's... [blah blah blah conversation turns to other things, finished off with] well anyway, good luck with the wedding plans. When it's all definitely sorted, we'll book to come over."

Now to some, this may seem weak and vague on the part of DH, but I will say for MIL, she's not a stupid woman. She definitely got the message. I'm very happy with this progress

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/05/2018 15:39

Well done your DH, he certainly knows how to play his Mum Grin

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