MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

13 + MIL

13+ mil + groom? Anyway, I’d just call Oliversmum superstitious and move on from that issue

Really can't fathom people like this!!! So glad your DH is on side... it hurts when our ILs make it clear that you're 2nd class and then they wonder why their child distances them self!

What was your wedding like Goose? Did your MIL attend?

Very rude behaviour from mil. I hope she decides to change her mind after speaking with her son.

OP I can see you being relegated to either "child minding or waiting hand & foot" on mil @ the reception.

It’s not kind and it is rude ... but .... you have said there is not wiggle room in the no of people in the venue so what do you want to happen?

Of course Galerina! Ours was a fairly ordinary affair, not massive as we paid for it all ourselves and didn't have much money. MIL inserted herself a bit more than I would have liked, but probably no more than many MILs.
Steam I rather hope I will be child minding- seeing as they're my children

Your mil sounds very difficult.

Do you think it's time you started saying no to her more often?

You don't have to oblige someone all the time to have a good relationship with them.

Steam I rather hope I will be child minding- seeing as they're my children

Sorry, I meant for other guests with children while in the pub.

I'm really struggling to picture what sort of wedding your mil is planning.

She wants bridesmaids and page boys but the venue is miniscule so there can be no possibility of 'making an entrance' or processing anywhere. The children will have to be seated from the word go.

There will be no ' audience' so no point in readings or special music.

Is it possible she just hasn't thought any of this through? And has just started talking without engaging her brain?

Picking a stupidly small venue that doesn't normally do weddings seems odd. But to add bridesmaids etc. Makes a it even odder.

Is all this a result of stupid thoughtlessness? Or does your mil truly want to exclude non blood-relatives?

As it is still at the planning stage ,Perhaps your DH could point out to his dm how odd and divisive her possible plan is?

Sorry, I meant for other guests with children while in the pub.

Ah I see- no, unlikely to be many dc there anyway

Teggun I agree, poorly thought out in general. I think budget and nostalgia has played a big part in venue selection whereas practicality could have been considered more. And I think she really wants her dc and dgc involved but just doesn't feel any obligation to include the married-on family and it hasn't dawned on her that this is hurtful and not appropriate

Fizzy That was brilliantly summed up

OK I am going to make a leap here and say you buy all the cards/gifts for MIL??
What does she do on your special days?

I do sense you are mourning some losses in terms of your family, but your DDs being bridesmaids isn't as important as their family being respected.
It sounds like your MIL doesn't want people she doesn't like their (the uncle's wife) and perhaps a noisy baby interrupting things this way she can have that

She sounds like hard work goose
I hope dh can help her view things a little more thoughtfully...

I suggest she waits to get married if she can't afford a venue to accommodate the essential people......... Just like we are!

Spot on Fizzy.

Your DH rocks OP!

My MIL is like this about blood relatives. She has photoes of DH and BIL on her wall, on their wedding days, cropped to remove the brides, i.e. me and SIL
I used to be offended but then I realised that actually I don’t really care, and at least I know the lie of the land, and how much effort I should bother putting in.

I had to reread the list of people that can attend! How are you NOT on there. YANBU. Wow

And this:'Could she be looking for an argument? I'd just go along with it all, nodding yes dear, isn't that lovely etc."

Totally agree, she's looking to cause trouble :(

Although I can see why you are upset (and rightly so) I think it’s not worth causing another rift over. I have a very strained relationship with my in laws, and have learned that I’ll take crap just to keep the peace.

I would send hubby and DDs, sit in the pub and enjoy a magazine/me time and a lovely glass of bubbles. Then enjoy an evening with my family.

I think is there were partners of FH other siblings going that would be slightly different, but as no partners are I would be upset but try not to take it personally xx

So he has no family and the siblings either have no partner or partner not bothered? So we are talking ONE extra person to find space for and that is you? She is being bloody ridiculous and hurtful. Surely there is space for one? I would be pretty upset too. Instead of confirming his feelings over the matter to you, dh should be telling her.

Well it’s pretty odd, that’s for sure !

But if it was me I’d let them crack on without me. It doesn’t matter in the great scheme of things

I think my biggest issue here would be the message to your DDs. That you, their DM, is not really part of the family, but a second tier who is left outside with their nose pressed against the glass at family occasions. That's not the behaviour of a wonderful granny, but a divisive one.

It sounds like you've made a lot of effort recently. After such ungrateful rude behaviour from her I'd be leaving it up to her blood son to provide updates.

People will only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. I wouldn't allow my DC to see their mum or their dad treated like they don't belong in their own family. I would tell MIL as much and wish her well on her day but unfortunately I and DC won't be able to make it.

What a lovely DH Hopefully once he’s made HIS position clear to her (I.e. letting her know that this comes from him so she can’t blame you) she will have a re-think & change venue to something more appropriate so all family members can attend. Otherwise perhaps they should have ceremony just the celebrant plus B&G, so that everyone else is excluded. Instead of this halfway house arrangement!