MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

I've said to DH that I'm not up for dds being bridesmaids if I'm not there. They stay with me. He agrees. I'm not going to dictate what part he plays in his DM's wedding. He can decide that. I strongly suspect she will magically manage to rearrange things so I am there.

Either way, I now know what our relationship is, and will adjust my behavior accordingly.

I feel a bit sorry for her (which I know some on here will flame me for, but...) she's an old lady who has slightly weird priorities and maybe thinks a bit too much of herself and her children. So I might suggest that DH sends her a message saying something like:
" we don't want to make your wedding planning difficult. Goose and dc and I are very happy to just see you at reception and celebrate with you there." He already suggested that we could chip in to hire a bigger venue ("so that we can ALL be there") as their wedding present, which I thought was good, but apparently that wouldn't work (?!)

Anyway, thanks everyone for thoughts on this. It's genuinely been helpful. And amusing. I will post update whenever I get one! Rest assured, no dresses will be purchased or accommodation booked until I do

Perfect, hopefully there might be a way through now without fall out and you will get to see your DDs as bridesmaids.

Well done to your DH - no drama or fall outs but clearly setting out the stall that you guys are a family unit. Hopefully it'll get sorted & you can all go & have a lovely time.

Ninja with the long pause! Your hubby sounds ACE!

He’s a keeper!

Glad to hear that DH is a) feeling better and b) communicated the facts to his DM

You won't get a flaming from me. I think it's possible to have sympathy for someone but still be clear when they have overstepped the mark!

Your dh sounds fab, and I agree he’s played a blinder. I just hope mil comes up with something more reasonable

Very well played! I wouldn’t give them any get out clause just yet. He needs to stew.

Sorry autocorrect. She Needs to stew.

Well done to your DH!

Well done to you guys. A lesson to us all in how to handle a difficult MIL. Keep us posted.

Woo hoo ninja dh!

I really, really wish my exH had been like that ... sadly he wasn't, but I haven't words enough of praise for yours; he (and you) couldn't have handled it better

Hooray for ninja dh!

Glad he’s on it. He sounds awesome. I’m sure she’s got the message x

Hige round of applause for MrGoose Very well played and the ball is firmly in her court now she has been put straight about just how ridiculously self centred her current plans are!

Best thread today!

Hope everything works out well Goose. I'm glad your DH is feeling a bit better

Best thread today!

Hope everything works out well Goose. I'm glad your DH is feeling a bit better

He already suggested that we could chip in to hire a bigger venue ("so that we can ALL be there") as their wedding present, which I thought was good, but apparently that wouldn't work (?!)

Because the venue might be very pretty and might be within her budget - but its main attraction is that it will only hold 12 people so she can leave out whoever she wants and blame it on capacity. That's why it wouldn't work (for her).

Sorry I am going to say something you might not like. As I said upthread my brother broke my heart when he made a decision to exclude inlaws from his entire wedding. However it was his wedding not mine.
As upsetting as this was, the hurt has been caused; this will not go away just because your husband has wrangled you an invitation.
This will now mean she has to invite other inlaws and her wedding ceremony will not have the dynamic she wants.
In my brother’s case spouses were not invited to the meal afterwards. They did not want to compromise on their ‘vision ‘- sad and upsetting but not my wedding!
You were invited to the reception and if it was me I would have gone or stayed away but not done anything else for the wedding or ever again for her.
In so many cases it is not a case of wanting to exclude but a case of only wanting to include certain people in this case blood relations.
Your children will understand that you aren’t related to your MiL and I highly doubt that without anyone’s negative comments they would see it as disrespectful.
I was upset about my brother’s choices and think your mother-in-law is batshit to only invite you to the wedding reception but she did and I mean this without wanting to hurt you I don’t think it’s the way forward wrangling an invitation and saying your girls can’t go to their own grandmother’s wedding.
If you want to go to the reception go and say she only wanted children and grandchildren at the ceremony or stay at home and enjoy the baby. You are compromising your dignity by doing this.

EWAB you are the mother-in-Law aren’t you?😂

Wow! My DD has been dating 6 months and he's included in familly gatherings. Wouldn't occur to me not to invite the man she's chosen.

And you may not be blood but you are her grandchildrens mother, not some random.

your girls can’t go to their own grandmother’s wedding.

sob

There's a joke there somewhere if I could but find it 😂

Excellent update. Looking forward to the next one