MIL's wedding

[Goosegettingfat]

Genuinely not sure if IA.
MIL and I have historically had a slightly tense relationship, mainly because MIL believes that no one is really good enough to marry into her family, whereas I believe that while DH is very lovely, he is fairly lucky to have married me too . Anyway, MIL and I have both mellowed and given a little, and now have a generally good relationship. She provides no practical help with dc (due to geography- we live very far apart) but is a lovely, thoughtful, interested granny, which I am grateful for. DH is not very good at speaking to her regularly (which I understand, because she has lots of time on her hands and likes communicating A LOT, whereas he is time-poor and is a man of few words) so I keep in touch with her several times a week, which she likes and I am happy to do.

Now. MIL is engaged. Planning wedding. Is not v well off, thus wants me to buy dresses so my 2 dds can be bridesmaids. I have offered to make some decorations etc to keep cost down. And needs DH kitted up so he can give her away. Also fine. And needs us all to fly over and find accommodation and hire car. We are a bit tight financially too, which MIL is aware of, but this is a special occasion, so no problem, we'll find the money. Here's the AIBU: mil has decided to hold ceremony in very small place that can only accommodate the wedding party. Ie. She wants me to have invested quite a bit of time, effort and money into her wedding but I have to wait at pub while DH and dds, dsil, dbil and dns etc attend it, (and this is probably dds only opportunity to be bridesmaids, so I'd really like to see them) and then just go to reception. AIBU to find this irritating?

She is not a lovely granny though because she treats their mother badly. My poor mother had a monstrous MIL (not dissimilar to yours) but my grandmother adored us, it made me feel terrible that she was so nice to us and so awful to my mother. I did not enjoy my time with her as a result and mostly wished we didn't have to go

This ^ What elderflower has said.

It was the same in our family - my dad's horrible mother treated my mam like shit, and had favourites among the grand-children. It actually taught my youngest sister (who could do NO wrong) to be contemptuous of her parents (especially my mam), and that she was "better" than her siblings (two of whom slipped in and out of favour, depending whether they did as the Nanzilla demanded, and one of whom (me) was never IN favour, so admittedly I might be biased).

My youngest sister was, and still is, a spoiled, demanding bitch who only looks to what she can get out of relationship (the Nanzilla bought her everything she wanted, bribed her, taught her that "money rules") and she will quite literally, and openly) sneer at other people's possessions/ clothes etc.

Don't take the risk of this happening with any of your children. Never let them see that she feels you aren't good enough for "the family".

It's hideously destructive, and will ruin relationships - they will either pick up on her views, or become so protective of you that they end up HATING her (which was what happened with me). Either way, it's dreadful.

My husband would boycott - you husband needs to tell his mother she accepts his whole family or none at all. I’m sorry she sounds awful,

Wow! What a nice person you are! (A genuine comment, not a snarky one). I think dh needs to have a quiet word with mil and just say sorry, he prefers to stay with you, his wife, and will be happy to see his mum at the reception. She'll have to get someone else to give her away but he's got siblings so that's not a problem

Whaaaaat? That's insane!

It's seems particularly bizarre to be ignoring the importance of people's husbands/wives at a wedding...

I think it depends on the type of ceremony. I don't think I could bring myself to care. If MIL is deliberately being a cow then you not being bothered will upset her even more. I'd most definately be cutting down contact though - your DH has it right.

She sounds hard work. If she doesn't want you there she's made it very clear. Cut down contact after the day. Let DD be bridesmaids then back in the day to day reality just cut out the day to day calls. Not NC just as much as YOU want.

Have I got this right that the venue accommodates 12, as follows (I assume there are multiple kids to get the numbers up to 12):

Officiator
B&g
DH& dds
Dsil & dns
Dbil
Best man

Apart from the best man, aren't they all on the bride's side of the family? So the groom won't have any family present at the ceremony at all?

She has always been odd about blood-family vs people who have been blessed to marry into the family (ie moi)

The groom will have to wait outside then!

Maycatt, I couldn’t agree more.

I find clannish families like this so odd. We’re only too delighted our DS has found a lovely girl to add to our family. Her family love our DS too and have taken him in as one of their own. We all get together and enjoy each other’s company and the new dimension that being linked to another family brings.

Whatever does she stand to gain from this attitude?

Glad DH is on board, hopefully MIL really has just been thoughtless and will make changes

No and i would not be letting my children go either as that is so toxic to let your kids know that you are not part of their family

I had similar situation with DSil wedding.

She made it very clear she didn't want me there but DH made it equally clear that he and his DC wouldn't be there without me. My DC were not invited at all despite us having been married 9 years, but they weren't bothered anyway.

She made a point of asking for photos with just her DB and DNs which was a bit embarrassing but not really bothered.

After the wedding she gave us a 15x12 photo of her and her DH on their special day for us to keep.

I took great pleasure in handing it back because "unfortunately we didn't have anywhere to display it so best to have it back rather leave it languishing in a cupboard".

That was a satisfying conversation

She's being a bitch I'm sorry. Having her family their should be more important than how "perfect" the venue is. There are a plethora of wedding venues for reasonable prices.

And you are her family, you are her sons immediate family now and she should recognise that. If it were me I would take up your DHs offer of not going at all, and not letting her disrespect you like that.

Nice one, Beyondthesky!

Completely off topic but why isn't the groom bringing any friends (if he doesn't have any family).

I would think that would be a huge red flag

Lannie that's right. He's not. He has no family and I guess considers MILs family his, since they've been together over a decade. The best man may turn out to be a friend of his though

MIL is despicable and beyond rude.

I would actually go NC because of this as she's shown her true colours here, and there's no way I'd expose my DC to her poison. If you allow your DC to attend, then the only thing that would achieve is to show them you are a doormat.

At this point, neither my DC nor I would be attending even if MIL got on her knees and begged. Too little, too late.

Your DH sounds like the only sensible one here with his belief that it's all or nothing. Hopefully he'll set MIL straight and stand firm in that.

Wow.... just wow!!

OMG yes! Genuinely wtf???!

Wow!!! I’d would literally pull out your whole family from attending. If she doesn’t see you as part of the family that’s horrendous

My response, either telephone or face-to-face, "I just want to clarify something, as I'm not sure if I've misunderstood. Hubby and grandchildren are attending the ceremony, but you want me to wait until after the ceremony and just attend the reception". If she says, "yes that's correct", (regardless of reasoning). I'd rspond, " we don't think that is acceptable, if hubby and grandchildren are attending the whole event, then WE think I should as well. If they were your children, you would want to see them being bridesmaid. Either we all attend together, or not at all. It won't affect our ongoing relationship, but I hope you understand how hurtful it feels.
See how she responds, personally I think it speaks volumes. Maybe you aren't as close as you think. I would take it as a snub & wouldn't attend...
Hope you resolve it, but don't let yourself be mistreated. I would expect my hubby to take a stand as well

That’s really awful! Your DH should step in and say that’s not ok! Why hasn’t he done so already? My SIL was being unreasonable and a pain in the *rse wanting everything her own way and in the end I got DH to say something. Why should I do lots of nice things for his family if others are being mean especially when like your DH mine is time poor! Shane on your MIL that’s really mean!

We went recently to an older relative's wedding, they were also keeping costs low which we knew. The ceremony was in a small registry office - no DCs invited. They sent out the invitation via Facebook to save money. We do not do FB - bad experience in past - so phoned to check venue etc. No prob, except relative forgot to mention no DC to ceremony rule. We turned up with one DC, who behaved impeccably throughout ceremony, but we got stony looks, no doubt from others who had obeyed rule. You reap what you sow imo, should have sent cards/invitations! Perhaps you could persuade MiL to mention on invites who has been hand-picked to attend ceremony 'due to H&S'. Not sure of the age of your DC - but no way mine would be going without me to point them in the right direction!

I would wonder why the groom has only one friend. Is it because that is all mil will allow😁