Infertility with one child rant. Trigger warning

[infertililitybitch]

I suffered infertility and was fortunate enough to have one miracle child.

The stress of ttc cost me my marriage and mental health. I will never be the person I was prior to infertility and prior to pregnancy after infertility.

I did not have a lovely pregnancy. I had a horrific nightmare of intense anxiety about prenatal OCD.

I was blessed with a healthy baby. I adore my child. I am a shell of what and who I was before and I lost friendships, my marriage, even my ability to work for several years as aside from a baby my MH was so poor.

I've done lots of therapy but I'm still aching for a "family" and grieving for the loss of my marriage and probably have some form of PTSD tbh.

I am constantly told I should just be grateful I have one. I should be, I kind of understand that. I would hate myself if I was my former childless self and moaning about this.

But prior to any - I hid from children and child places when the pain was too much, I avoided them and created a daily existence which could try to forget the fact my body didn't fall pregnant despite trying every month for years.

Now I have one, I'm finding it so hard that I don't have more than one - because I go to child places, do child stuff and I'm surrounded by people who are popping out sibling after sibling. I can't hide from my pain anymore.

I dated someone who had 3 kids last year. He ended it somewhat over my jealousy that he had 3. I wanted more and to try and he decided he didn't (initially he said he did or I wouldn't have dated him) and he told me I should be happy with the one I have and he would have been with one and moaned about the challenges of having 3. Obviously we weren't compatible, but I feel like I shouldn't have to defend that there is a pain even if you get 'one' if you suffer infertility.

If I had 2, my dreams would be fulfilled in that I have 2. But I will never be able to stop feeling this jealousy/sadness that my body doesn't just get on with it and has cost me mentally and emotionally so much more than another child.

I'm sorry you are struggling but it sounds like you need to see a counsellor.

Did you not read I've done lots?!

For years now.

I really hear you. Anyone who says you should be happy you have a healthy child is totally missing the point. Secondary infertility is shit for all the reasons you point out, can’t avoid child filled events, holidays etc where everyone seems to have two kids with the exact age gap you wanted. Mothers moaning how hard it is to have two but they adore each other (it should be socially acceptable to just tell the smug hits to eff off). The well meaning idiots who tell you all that matters is you have a healthy child - well no it’s not actually and thanks for invalidating the crippling pain I feel every day. The pain in feeling you’re letting down the person you love most by not providing a longer for sibling. Feeling guilty because you have a child and thinking you shouldn’t feel like this, and finally the nemisis of parents of only children those people who reek off all the negatives they can think of about only children like you can do something about it. Oh and nhs basically tell you to sod off you should be happy with the above. Op it’s shit. Society can’t deal with it.

I hope you find a way to find peace.

Thank you. You completely get it! @Bearhunter09

I know how you feel. I had my one, hard won child but desperately wanted another one and almost sacrificed everything, money, my marriage, sanity to get one.
I did get my second child after 4.5 years and it’s the only thing that stopped my craziness.
I don’t know the answer for you but i totally get it.

Thanks @Turquoisetamborine I hope to god I one day have the 2nd to leave behind this limbo hell. I'm comforted it actually did help for you having another as maybe there's the possibility I will heal if it ever happens. I'm nearly 6 years on and single so not even ttc currently.

It's shit. Really really shit. I've perfected the 'oh I can't have any more' when people ask. Or I thought I had but got reduced to tears for the first time in a year last week because of 'why do you only have one? An only child is a lonely child! You should do your duty for queen and country and have two!'
It gets better, I promise. At some point you'll feel better. It's hard and it's shit, but you'll get there. We'll get there.

Thank you @MyHairNeedsASnip

I hear you I have a DD from a previous, very abusive relationship which robbed me of any enjoyment during pregnancy/birth/her first year of life. I am now with a wonderful, wonderful man who is the most amazing step father and after trying for two years, we’ve been told that there is a 0.1% chance of us having a child naturally and only a 20% chance using ICSI and IVF. My daughter asks daily when she’ll be a big sister and all of my friends from when she was little are on their third.

It is really shit, you aren’t alone

I completely get it.
Premature menopause and after trying for three years for another child told I had no eggs left. Absolutely devastated.
Oh well....
At least you already got one
At least you have experienced pregnancy
At least you don’t have to change your car
At least you don’t have to buy bunk beds
At least you don’t have cancer
Have you tried getting a dog
Have you thought about adoption/fostering
Yes all of these and more have been said to me.
Makes it worse I’m a midwife and it was thrown in my face every day.
You have my absolute sympathy

@Justwaitingforaline

Bearhunter nails it.

Agree that society is very ill informed about secondary infertility, even though it's more common than primary infertility. The assumption is that if you can have one you can have another easily so there is more intrusive questioning about it.

It's very natural to feel as you do.

We don't know how old you are so I don't know whether meeting someone else and having kids is an option.

But it may help you to feel more in control of your destiny. Ie iv you have properly considered options for having another child (sperm donation, adoption etc) then even if you don't choose those paths you can feel more acceptance / ownership of having one child.

The most difficult thing with infertility is the uncertainty so I would try and make some steps to see what is possible and what options you would consider.

Wishing you all the best

You aren’t alone. I’m adopting a sibling. It took me a while to accept that I’d never give birth again but I’m now excited for the future.

@boloriabullet the "at least you...'s" are like a bloody sharp knife stab through your heart and of no comfort whatsoever.

The adoption thing - I can't adopt due to MH and previous abusive relationship. Even if I could - mentally I am not the right person to adopt. I wish I was. But adoption is about a child's needs not mine and I have come to terms with the fact I'm not able to fulfil an adoptive child's needs as much as they would fill mine.

You wanted a child, you have one. Now he should be your priority. What life are you giving him by showing that he's not enough? You think your life would be complete if you had 2. I don't think that's true reading your post.

yes of course it's shit. Infertility or baby loss is unbelievably painful. How you deal with it for the sake of your existing child is your own choice though.

Of course, you are entitled to your pain, but it sounds like it's much deeper than that. Your child is entitled to a happy childhood, and everything you can offer him and the positive of him being an only child.

What would be the most unfair would be for your only child to be alone to shoulder the burden of your resentment.

Thank you @givemesteel

I'm young enough that I am considering coparenting. Morally and emotionally for me personally (no judgement on others) going it completely alone isn't for me with sperm donation. However I don't really think the possible coparenting man I have met gets it and I'm torn between ttc with him in hope or knowing I'm putting myself in a place when it gets stressful he may opt out so I haven't begun yet. I'm discussing it with my counsellor currently.

Genuine question, how can you be sure another child will make it all better? Initially you thought one child would, but it hasn't.

I think you need to find peace within yourself.

I am constantly told I should just be grateful I have one. I should be, I kind of understand that. I would hate myself if I was my former childless self and moaning about this

Fuck them. Fuck them. Fuck them.

They do not understand.

@Dermymc I think if you read my posts you will see I am not at all sure one more will make it all better. I hope to God it might though if it ever happened.

This is so sad. No YANBU.

However I do think that when people say thoughtless things, whether it's about infertility, illness, bereavement etc, sometimes it's because they just don't know what to say as opposed to they don't care (though other times they are probably just arses)

@AutisticHedgehog no they do not! Thank you.

I'm venting here because I am broken tonight. He is in bed and I look at him and I know I'm blessed.

I also know I cannot yet manage to relax in that "I'm blessed with my beautiful lovely son who is my everything" that I so wish I could.

@DisappearingGirl I know. I do realise that and prevent myself sniping at them and vent on here or in therapy. I know it's my issue not theirs.

I truly hope you find inner peace and strength.

You dont sound like you are in the right place to even be contemplating Co parenting. You need to love yourself. Become content and thankful for what you do have. Not by comparison to others, but genuine gratefulness for the things you have and enjoy.