Infertility with one child rant. Trigger warning

[infertililitybitch]

I suffered infertility and was fortunate enough to have one miracle child.

The stress of ttc cost me my marriage and mental health. I will never be the person I was prior to infertility and prior to pregnancy after infertility.

I did not have a lovely pregnancy. I had a horrific nightmare of intense anxiety about prenatal OCD.

I was blessed with a healthy baby. I adore my child. I am a shell of what and who I was before and I lost friendships, my marriage, even my ability to work for several years as aside from a baby my MH was so poor.

I've done lots of therapy but I'm still aching for a "family" and grieving for the loss of my marriage and probably have some form of PTSD tbh.

I am constantly told I should just be grateful I have one. I should be, I kind of understand that. I would hate myself if I was my former childless self and moaning about this.

But prior to any - I hid from children and child places when the pain was too much, I avoided them and created a daily existence which could try to forget the fact my body didn't fall pregnant despite trying every month for years.

Now I have one, I'm finding it so hard that I don't have more than one - because I go to child places, do child stuff and I'm surrounded by people who are popping out sibling after sibling. I can't hide from my pain anymore.

I dated someone who had 3 kids last year. He ended it somewhat over my jealousy that he had 3. I wanted more and to try and he decided he didn't (initially he said he did or I wouldn't have dated him) and he told me I should be happy with the one I have and he would have been with one and moaned about the challenges of having 3. Obviously we weren't compatible, but I feel like I shouldn't have to defend that there is a pain even if you get 'one' if you suffer infertility.

If I had 2, my dreams would be fulfilled in that I have 2. But I will never be able to stop feeling this jealousy/sadness that my body doesn't just get on with it and has cost me mentally and emotionally so much more than another child.

'Are they? I don’t agree. Secondary infertility is obviously awful but o don’t think it’s right to say it’s just as bad as if you could never have had a child at all'

Completely agree. No one to call you mummy, no one to take for day trips, tuck in at night, choose clothes and toys for. Nothingness. Compared to not quite enough.

7.5 years, 13 miscarriages, invasive investigations etc and I have now given up TTC again. I've accepted and moved on. I have other plans for my life now and having a baby would get in the way.
I hope you find peace.

Thanks @Kahlua4me and

I'm having counselling currently. I've been in therapy for years. Different forms, different counsellors. I will keep going trying to find my peace for DS sake.

I did briefly feel like I had a handle on it when I met the guy I dated I was in a good place of coming to terms and that was a result of OCD therapy but in a relationship it opened up the possibility again and all the wounds.

It’s all a pile of shit when things don’t work or go as you expect and so desperately want.

Recurrent loss is a particular treat. “At least you can get pregnant” isn’t much of a comfort when you can’t stay pregnant.

When you’re in that position and people are heartbroken when they’ve been ttc for years and say things like “no hint of a bfp” it’s hard not to scream “oh and a bfp followed by the terrifying rollercoaster of early pregnancy followed, seemingly inevitably, by yet more pain, bleeding and another failed pregnancy would have been better?”

But you don’t do that because it would be breathtakingly cruel and it does suck to try for ages, doing everything right and not be able to conceive. Been there too!

Not having the baby you knew you always wanted, whether it’s your first or a sibling, is a special sort of torment. I have no experience of secondary infertility as I’m still struggling with getting one. You have my complete sympathy OP because your pain is palpable. From my POV you still get to me a mum. You’re in the parents club. You get to cuddle your beautiful son, know you made him, that he’s yours. But what you’ve lost and additionally what you fear you’ll never have, must be incredibly painful and I would never “at least” you because I’ve had it done to me and it doesn’t bloody well help. It’s a painful reminder that not only are you not where you want to be, people don’t get it.

I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through and I wish you comfort and peace in time

I don’t personally know what you’re going through but I am probably one of the people who makes you feel shitty by asking you stupid ass questions when trying to make friendly conversation.
If it makes you feel any better I feel just as shitty when I realise I’ve asked something desperately insensitive when I’ve just been trying to be lighthearted and friendly.
I honestly try to not ask ‘are you having a second?’ but it just pops out because I am an arse and can’t make small talk.

I am sorry.

Not that it compares but I am morning the third child I won’t have because of finances. No one feels sorry for me because it’s a choice, but it’s one that’s killing me to make.

@Leontine assisted conception would still be a miracle.

It's not quite as easy as that "being an option"

As it happened DS was a very unexpected miracle naturally after years of trying with medical help.

I don't think I will ever choose to go through assisted conception again beyond metformin and clomid tbh. Emotionally I just can't anymore.

Would you be open to using a donor egg?

Littlemuster I can’t even imagine

No one to call you mummy, no one to take for day trips, tuck in at night, choose clothes and toys for. Nothingness. Compared to not quite enough.

I hope your new plans bring you anything you want and more, good luck.

@infertililitybitch I only suffered first time infertility , miscarriages, Invasive procedures/tests , ICSI etc and I was finally pg through a fantastic clinic, so I don't know how secondary infertility feels like, if the pain is similar to what some of us went through for the first, I have no words it is a uniquely deep pain especially as a female thinking we can't do our job. So I'm really sorry for what you re going through

All I can say with my infertility experience hat on, there are very few issues that can't be resolved these days, some clinics are awesome, so after finding 'mr right' some further investigation on clinics etc even outside U.K. might help you come close to your dream. I have some really good info on certain clinics if you need it feel free to ping me x

AutisticHedgehog
If swearing at random strangers on an internet forum makes you happy, go for it. It's not bringing much to the discussion, but if it keeps you entertained...

@Littlemuster @AnneLovesGilbert

The pain feels the same intensity. It is not entirely the same pain. It feels exactly the same gut wrenching awfulness. It is different.

But you are still just as right when you feel it's not as bad. I felt the same. Whichever way you face infertility it is devastating. I did primary too, I do remember. I'm sorry.

Just wondering how your relationship is with your exdh. Is it amicable? Has he moved on? Do you think his behaviour, however it is, has any connection with your emotions?

Have you come to terms with the loss of your marriage?

littlemuster has said what I would have replied to the op with.

actually, breaking all the rules demanded of me. For me it IS as bad.

Remember what it felt like before you had your child and try and imagine what that would be like if it never went away.

I’m not saying at all that you’re not in an awful place but please don’t try and compare it to never ever having a child. It’s not kind or helpful.

OP, I so feel your pain. I am so, so sorry you are suffering so much. I so identify with so much of what you have written although my circumstances are different. I lost a baby and then almost everything else (house, career, friends, family, money) in my 15 years on the infertility treadmill deperate to have another. I have never regained those things because like you I will never be the person I was before infertility. As an only child myself, with my parents now dead, I also realise I am totally alone in this world, not connected to anyone else genetically - and hence I feel a bit of a genetic freak! And yes everyday, I grieved for the baby I lost and the babies that were never to be. I had no real wish to "recover" though, because that loss and grief and yearning was all I had.

However, like you I had counselling and through it I learnt nothing or no-one would ever compare with the horror of those infertile years, and I had changed completely, the old me was dead. But accepting that I also learnt that I needed to take a different path, not one that made up for the loss, but a different one.

I adopted five children (another 4 year treadmill) , and I am so sorry if that hurts you because I know you said you feel adoption is not for you. I fell in love with my children before they walked through the door, and despite three having disabilities life was wonderful, simply wonderful. I think sometimes I went to the extremes because one child, two children, three children were never enough. So when my children reached adulthood I became a foster carer and now have a houseful again (a very crowded household as two of my sons in their late 20s live at home and will never be independent). I'd probably have more if I could.

So I am trying to say my need for another child, more children, has never eased, despite the wonderful close and beautiful relationships we have (my only daughter is also my best friend). I don't know if you were able to have another child, if you would then wish for a third, I obviously don't know, but I do understand your pain.

Thirty years on I finally began to accept my infertility, finally all those decades long grief has eased, and the desperate, desperate need to have a child is no more. Though I still crave and wish for a biological relative now my parents have passed away and will always feel isolated and alone. What happened to change everything was seeing my grandson being born. The fact my daughter and son in law wanted me to share that moment with them. The fact that I cut the cord and they allowed me the honour of being the first to hold and dress him. From that moment on I knew I had finally "recovered".

Though of course my desperate need for more children, now applies to grandchildren too.

Sorry for rambling. I hope there is something in here that you understand and if there isn't I apologise. Just I do understand your pain, I really do.

I wish for you that you find peace and someday are able to give your beautiful child a sibling. Good luck xxx

I titled my post very clearly plus a trigger warning.

For ME, if it had never happened- it would probably have been easier. Not better by any sense. Easier.

For the woman who it never happens to. She is entirely entitled to want to scream at me. As I said, I would have. But hence I posted a trigger warning. So those who this isn't helpful to don't have to be wounded by it.

OP your situation is very specific but I can relate to some of what you are feeling. After a relatively minor year-long struggle to conceive my DS, I had 6 mc over 3 years and went to a very dark place, became extremely bitter, lost contact with friends and had to deal with the guilt of not giving my all to DS while I went through the monthly agony of ttc, testing etc and then the rollercoaster of hormones and emotions that accompanied each pregnancy.

It's a pain I felt could only be cured by another child and I have been fortunate enough that this has now happened thanks to some medical intervention and sheer luck. I had avoided pregnant women for so long that I could barely sit in the antenatal clinic for appointments and had to keep my eyes down as I'd trained myself to look away.

I always felt that if someone had said to me this is it, you can only have the one, I could have dealt with it. But there's the constant possibility of hope just around the corner that is what gets to you, really drives you away from your own sanity and rationality.

It's only now I can see how bad it got, and I'm so sorry I don't have another cure to suggest. I just wanted to say that you are not being unreasonable, and I hope there is a path for you that brings happiness and peace.

We also had secondary infertility and I felt constantly selfish for feeling so sad that we couldn’t have another - there are people who have not been able to have a single child and I think once you have 1 people don’t understand why you can’t just be happy with that. They have a point but like you I found it hard not being able to give my child a sibling and simply because I had always wanted more than one child. It just wasn’t my dream to have only 1.

We were lucky enough to go on to adopt. You need to find a way to come to terms with your life. Children grow up fast and you have to find a way to fully enjoy the life you have with your child - it might not be the life you pictured but don’t waste it. You said you have had counselling but don’t give up trying.

@Kahlua4me no not amicable. He became very bitter and eventually abusive through the ttc journey.

In hindsight he always had the ability to be abusive, just not enough stress in his life till then to bring it out so obviously.

I'm very grateful I'm not with him anymore. And very sad about the scars it left and who it made us.

I'm sure this is fuck-all use to those coping and struggling with infertility, primary or secondary. But your bravery in speaking out on a topic that's so personal and painful and so often taboo is the one thing that might get society to shift to the point where people are sensitive and aware enough not to ask intrusive questions or make stupid comments. It shouldn't be necessary, but it's so clear from these threads that it really really really is.

All the and all the in the world to anyone going through it. It's fucking unfair that you have to do so.

I guess everyone deals with this problem in their own way.

After years of infertility treatment I feel pregnant. Unfortunately it was ectopic . I spent two weeks in hospital, lost a tube and had multiple blood transfusions.

However, I have been an aunt since I was 8 years old and have always been involved in looking after babies and toddlers and have loved watching my siblings children grow up.

I pretty much concentrated on my career and holidays after the ectopic and 4 years later fell pregnant naturally. I had my beautiful DS and 3 years later my DD.

To this day though, I think I can honestly say that if I hadn't unbelievably fallen pregnant when I did, I would still be the person I am today. No, I would not have my 5 adorable DGC but I am a true believer in that you won't miss what you never had.

I hear you and feel your pain OP. I’m totally with you when it comes to the torment, heart-breaking pain and devastating loss of a much-wanted second pregnancy and child through secondary infertility. I’m currently 34w pregnant with DC2 after nearly 7 a half years after having my DD, and a lot of (non-fertility) related health problems in the past few years.

I hope my story gives you hope and strength for the future - I had a head injury, post concussion syndrome, mental breakdown, drug-induced movement disorder in the past three years, then lost my DB to cancer, lost my job, and had an ectopic pregnancy and surgery last year. It has been an utterly shit few years and my secondary infertility was an underlying current of pain that made every challenge I was going through a thousand times worse, and heightened all the pain by a million.

But there is a sliver of light through the clouds and now I am weeks away from either a VBAC or c-section, I am firmly focused on the future.

May you find peace and support, and I truly hope you get what your heart desires. If I can be strong enough to keep going, I am going to bet you are too. Things wlll work out.

I'm so so sorry to those who experience any form of loss relating to any form of infertility and grateful to those who have found the strength to share on my thread

I apologise I'm not managing to say thank you to everyone individually who helpfully contributes by sharing their experiences. I'm in tears but I really needed you all tonight.

it seems like you’ll never be happy with what you have. I know a few people like this - unfortunately yours comes in the shape of wanting more children. Of course you should be happy with the one you have, plenty of people can’t have any - but that’s like saying everybody should be happy with their situation because people have it way worse, and it’s just not as black and white I suppose.
The problem is that it doesn’t seem like anything will be enough and you need to focus on your child,because you should be showing them that they’re enough and that they are important and mean the world to you. When you become a mother it’s about them, not you and your need to reproduce more.

I hope you find peace I think more intensive therapy may help

@FranticallyPeaceful
It may seem like I'm never going to be happy with what I have. It may seem like I should learn to be grateful for what I have.

I am trying. I am not there yet. I am continuing therapy acutely aware that I am not there yet and need to keep going to try and not fuck up my miracle. A miracle I AM a million times over grateful for and horrendously guilty that it's never quite grateful enough to magically heal all the scars it's left.

The gratefulness has not healed the scars. It doesn't mean I am not grateful.