Infertility with one child rant. Trigger warning

[infertililitybitch]

I suffered infertility and was fortunate enough to have one miracle child.

The stress of ttc cost me my marriage and mental health. I will never be the person I was prior to infertility and prior to pregnancy after infertility.

I did not have a lovely pregnancy. I had a horrific nightmare of intense anxiety about prenatal OCD.

I was blessed with a healthy baby. I adore my child. I am a shell of what and who I was before and I lost friendships, my marriage, even my ability to work for several years as aside from a baby my MH was so poor.

I've done lots of therapy but I'm still aching for a "family" and grieving for the loss of my marriage and probably have some form of PTSD tbh.

I am constantly told I should just be grateful I have one. I should be, I kind of understand that. I would hate myself if I was my former childless self and moaning about this.

But prior to any - I hid from children and child places when the pain was too much, I avoided them and created a daily existence which could try to forget the fact my body didn't fall pregnant despite trying every month for years.

Now I have one, I'm finding it so hard that I don't have more than one - because I go to child places, do child stuff and I'm surrounded by people who are popping out sibling after sibling. I can't hide from my pain anymore.

I dated someone who had 3 kids last year. He ended it somewhat over my jealousy that he had 3. I wanted more and to try and he decided he didn't (initially he said he did or I wouldn't have dated him) and he told me I should be happy with the one I have and he would have been with one and moaned about the challenges of having 3. Obviously we weren't compatible, but I feel like I shouldn't have to defend that there is a pain even if you get 'one' if you suffer infertility.

If I had 2, my dreams would be fulfilled in that I have 2. But I will never be able to stop feeling this jealousy/sadness that my body doesn't just get on with it and has cost me mentally and emotionally so much more than another child.

If I had 2, my dreams would be fulfilled in that I have 2. But I will never be able to stop feeling this jealousy/sadness that my body doesn't just get on with it and has cost me mentally and emotionally so much more than another child.

I think this is the key OP. As you say I think you have some kind of PTSD about your TTC and pregnancy experience, and the breakdown of your marriage . And even if you did have another child it wouldn't necessarily help with the bitterness you have about that.

I have a similar bitterness about DD's awful birth and resulting disability (mild) and the impact it has on our lives. When people say "oh but she's doing so well, you'd never know", they are so right, it could be so much worse, and I am thankful for that. But the other hand it makes me angry because it feels as if they are brushing aside my experiences, much like people saying "at least..." to you.

In short, OP, I get where you are coming from, but I don't think this is really about having another baby. I think it's about what you've been through.

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster

eightfacesofthemoon
thank you

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster it's exactly like primary. Plus the guilt and demands that you be grateful and get over it or fuck your kid up that you battle with yourself over to hide and suck up.

Both are equally shit. They're just different yet the same level of devastation.

infertilitybitch I get it, I really do. We struggled with secondary infertility for 7 years including many invasive tests, failed IUI and failed IVF.

Finally, miraculously and totally unexpectedly got pregnant 7 years after starting the ttc2 route. Only to lose that baby though a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. That was beyond doubt the lowest point.

I gave up then.

The only thing I can say is, for me anyway, the pain and the longing sort of burnt itself out. It gradually stopped feeling so raw.

There is still a huge hole in my heart and I suspect always will be but there are more good days now and thankfully we somehow managed to cling onto our marriage, thought the stress was immense at times.

We too had all the stupid and invasive and hurtful questions and comments and they cut to the bone. I have cried unexpectedly in the most random of places..

Just know you are not alone and it is not easy and fuck those who have not been through it and will never understand it

ry imagining someone grabbing hold of your intestines twisting them whilst screaming in such pain it’s actually silent!

also sound like burying your baby.

 I'm sorry @UnreasonablyPissedOff

There's plenty of horrific things that cause immense pain. It's not a competition.

The pain is equal to many things. And incomparable to many things. Please don't compare pain!

This is a specific pain. And a specific thread to vent about that pain!!!

Both are equally shit. They're just different yet the same level of devastation.

Are they? I don’t agree. Secondary infertility is obviously awful but o don’t think it’s right to say it’s just as bad as if you could never have had a child at all.

'Are they? I don’t agree. Secondary infertility is obviously awful but o don’t think it’s right to say it’s just as bad as if you could never have had a child at all.'

Quite

Going through this too, was told today I looked pregnant "nope just fat but thanks" was my reply
Then there was the colleague who stroked my belly also thinking I was pregnant , no I said, unfortunately I can't afford the Ivf so sadly can't get pregnant, at work so didn't cry , how? I don't know
People don't realise that the nhs won't fund Ivf once you've done it once ( we were refused funding first time so had to pay 12k)
Nice to not feel so alone tonight thanks

Unfortunately, there's a competition in what is the worst. Its ridiculous, each person is different, deals with different issues and reacts differently.

I stand by my point, the posts from the OP shows that having a 2nd baby would not be the answer to anything. There's no shame in suffering from PND, PTSD or other (no sarcasm), but it's not helpful to pretend that all the problems come from secondary infertility.

It's also terrible to think that a child will suffer from being a single child. Not true, and not fair on the child.

@PurpleDaisies actually, breaking all the rules demanded of me. For me it IS as bad.

In some ways worse because I have a gorgeous son I'm terrified I may be fucking up if I'm not hiding this irrational pain and the scars well enough.

For any woman who doesn't ever get a baby she is fully entitled to feel that my pain is not as bad as hers. I won't judge her. I was her, for many years.

She is as right as I am about which is worse.

This is going to go like every thread on secondary infertility isn't it? The pain of the women struggling ttc again totally dismissed by those who simply parrot 'at least you have a child'. Never ends well.

Do you know what it causing your fertility problems?

'Are they? I don’t agree. Secondary infertility is obviously awful but o don’t think it’s right to say it’s just as bad as if you could never have had a child at all'

Totally agree with this.

I hear you @infertililitybitch. I had no idea how much after conceiving one child with treatment I would be desperate for a second. I never thought that if I could have one little miracle there would be a point beyond that.

I've found it helpful to frame it in terms of the cycle of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - although I don't think that they are consecutive steps but more of a pixellated picture. I spent a very long time believing that I was going to have another but I think I'm now most of the way to acceptance. Like @cariadlet says, the emotion can go - I feel like some of the emotion has gone out (not all of it, but enough that I sound less crazy when talking about it.)

It's still hard looking at women at playgroups or schools who have one or more smaller ones with them and thinking "I could have done that."

I get it. Only one due to marriage breakdown, too old to want to consider trying again if I actually found a new partner. The questions people seem to think are acceptable is fecked. Is she the only one? Do you not want another? Or it’s so much easier for you, not having to fight with two, and the enonevitable you’re lucky you had one at all, you should be great full. And I am. I love her, deeply. But I wanted 2, I expected 2. When everyone else had hat number 2 I was jealous. I still am. I have to force myself to bond with friends children’s, and often don’t hold babies. And when you do- the comments are worse- you look so natural, you do that well......thanks. It’s what I wanted, can’t have, and never will. I get it. Many women in this post get it. Not everyone will. It’s not about not being greatful for what you have, but about grieving for what you lost. A husband, a home with 2 incomes, a couple of kids and weekends spending time together. At least for me it is.

@Leontine yes I do know what causes my fertility problems.

I am sorry for the pain you are in and I do get where you are coming from.

I had 3 miscarriages whilst trying for my children and actually found the one I had after my DS so much harder than the 2 before him. Even my gp said I shuold thankful to have him! Of course I was overjoyed to have him but sad not to have another, both for us as parents and ds not having a sibling.

I think you need to have further counselling , something more specific to ptsd and with someone you really connect with. I do think you need to look at it from a wider angle, almost like approaching road closure from another direction, as you may find a better route for your peace.

Sorry if that is jumbled up, it’s too late for me to speak coherently! As an example, I have been having counselling following the sudden death of my lovely mum and for 2 years just concentrating on that loss. I finally went with a different counsellor and she explored lots of other events from my life and the change has been amazing. I am now at peace, and although I still miss dm constantly, I can laugh naturally without having to make myself because I see others laughing.

It doesn't say in you OP if you had an assisted conception or not. Would this be something that's an option for you?