Infertility with one child rant. Trigger warning

[infertililitybitch]

I suffered infertility and was fortunate enough to have one miracle child.

The stress of ttc cost me my marriage and mental health. I will never be the person I was prior to infertility and prior to pregnancy after infertility.

I did not have a lovely pregnancy. I had a horrific nightmare of intense anxiety about prenatal OCD.

I was blessed with a healthy baby. I adore my child. I am a shell of what and who I was before and I lost friendships, my marriage, even my ability to work for several years as aside from a baby my MH was so poor.

I've done lots of therapy but I'm still aching for a "family" and grieving for the loss of my marriage and probably have some form of PTSD tbh.

I am constantly told I should just be grateful I have one. I should be, I kind of understand that. I would hate myself if I was my former childless self and moaning about this.

But prior to any - I hid from children and child places when the pain was too much, I avoided them and created a daily existence which could try to forget the fact my body didn't fall pregnant despite trying every month for years.

Now I have one, I'm finding it so hard that I don't have more than one - because I go to child places, do child stuff and I'm surrounded by people who are popping out sibling after sibling. I can't hide from my pain anymore.

I dated someone who had 3 kids last year. He ended it somewhat over my jealousy that he had 3. I wanted more and to try and he decided he didn't (initially he said he did or I wouldn't have dated him) and he told me I should be happy with the one I have and he would have been with one and moaned about the challenges of having 3. Obviously we weren't compatible, but I feel like I shouldn't have to defend that there is a pain even if you get 'one' if you suffer infertility.

If I had 2, my dreams would be fulfilled in that I have 2. But I will never be able to stop feeling this jealousy/sadness that my body doesn't just get on with it and has cost me mentally and emotionally so much more than another child.

It's hard. People assume that if you have a child you can easily have another and so ask questions about whether you're planning to, give advice on the age gap getting bigger, make assumptions about why you only want one etc without it crossing their minds that they may be being insensitive. And it's hard to feel like you have no right to complain and must be grateful (because other women have never been able to have a child and you're aware that you are hugely lucky compared to them) when all your friends have no problem and it wouldn't occur to them to feel grateful they conceived their ideal family size in no time at all.

There is a long term secondary infertility thread on the infertility board. Maybe you would find that helpful in being able to talk to others in a similar position.

I hear you. My sons now 14, I’ve been single since he was 18 months old and always desperately wanted more and it’s just not happened yet.
People really don’t get it

I think the problem is that it is somewhat socially unacceptable to say 'Oh, that's so shit - you poor thing' when someone shares this kind of information with you. We all feel duty-bound to try and find a 'bright side' or to help the person suffering to 'cheer up' that people rarely consider whether they are doing it for their own benefit or for that of the person they are supposedly 'comforting'.

Some people probably genuinely think they are helping, although it only takes a second's thought to realise that you are perfectly aware that you have a healthy child and that it's unlikely that you don't consider yourself lucky for that, but it doesn't change the fact that some people just want a platitude to trot out so that they don't have to face the awkwardness of there being no solution and no upside to what you are feeling. Commiserating with someone is an underrated skill.

That said, I'm really sorry that you are going through this and I don't know if there is a solution. I really, really hope that you find one.

We live in a society where there are very many rules around what is socially acceptable to discuss or feel.

You are breaking these rules. People can’t cope.

The rules make no sense. You feel sad, you are sad - why the fuck should you not be sad just because someone else would feel better if you weren’t sad?

You are grieving and you have EVERY FUCKING RIGHT to do so.

I wish I could say comforting things, but I can’t, but I just hate - genuinely hate - the fact you are being told to deny your feelings just so someone else feels a bit better.

Don’t tell posters to fuck off OP. You have come on AIBU asking for the opinions of others - it isn’t fair to respond with abuse when opinions are offered.

I agree with ikeepaforkinmypurse actually - I think her post is balanced and fair

@ikeepaforkinmypurse I clearly said I don't know if another would make it all ok. I do know I would never again put myself through ttc another if I got that 2nd child.

Maybe consider the thread before posting such useless advice as being content with what you have and how sad it is for my own child he lives in such a sad atmosphere. Do you not think that guilt and attempt to conceal my sadness due to my only child's emotional wellbeing is on my mind constantly?!!

@LuluBellaBlue

I understand. It took nearly 3 years to conceive my second child. I used to be in tears whenever I got my period and I felt like I was letting my DS down by not giving him a sibling.

I hope things get better for you.

Vent away!! Please try not to beat yourself up for your feelings - they are totally valid. No helpful answers sorry xx

I think you might be right about the PTSD. Lots of people don't have the number of children they'd like, for all sorts of reasons other than infertility. Few, I think, feel as destroyed by it as you do, which makes me wonder if it's the cumulative effect of the trauma of infertility that is affecting you so badly rather than "simply" the lack of a second child. I know you said you've had counselling but have you seen someone who specialises in PTSD?

I know @DoJo thank you.

And to those who think I shouldn't tell someone to fuck off.

IRL I spend my entire life not telling people to fuck off with their useless guilt tripping "cheering up" advice. This is not the thread for that kind of crap.

@Peaheadz @DisappearingGirl @AutisticHedgehog thank you

What can we say to people suffering secondary infertility that will help? I am conscious never to do the 'at least you' thing, but I am not sure what I can say that will be comforting. I usually just say that it sounds so shit, and it must be awful having your pain dismissed because 'at least you have one child'. What else can I do?

YANBU 💐

Secondary infertility is a total crock of shite. Of course I’d rather be in these particular shitty shoes, than those of someone struggling to/unable to conceive baby number one, but it brings different horrors which people generally don’t understand.

The heartbreak is real, OP. I hope that it all works out for you. It sounds like there is time but agree with a PP - the uncertainty is the worst.

Take care x

Secondary infertility is so misunderstood. You have my sympathy and it’s shit.
Ttc both my kids was stressful and almost ruined my marriage and mental health. We were lucky enough to get our 2nd child but all the miscarriages and treatments and times Sex has affected our relationship. I’m a much more anxious person too and feel
Like the experience took me to a far place that I can never unsee. I’m embarrass by how bitter I felt at friend getting pregnant havin never been a remotely jealous person. It’s a life changing experience even though I am so grateful for my happy ending.

Dark place

Of course it's crap it didn't all go to plan, you need to stop looking back and stop thinking about what you don't have. You need to do whatever you can before you start to affect the amazing so you already have.

And yes I've been there, planned four children, had secondary infertility, ivf, all the treatments and then a lovely divorce.

@BarbarianMum no. I did have specialist help for the OCD which did help a great deal in terms of daily life with my son. But not seen a specialist for PTSD.

To be fair to the NHS I have had a great deal of emotional support. More than many. I don't think there's the funds for them to add specialist PTSD to it most likely and also I'm not financially in a position to get it myself currently

Do you not think that guilt and attempt to conceal my sadness due to my only child's emotional wellbeing is on my mind constantly?!!

your sadness is one thing, but you have absolutely nothing to be guilty about! Ok, your child doesn't have a sibling. He has your full attention, your time, you can spend weekends doing things interesting for him, have an open house for his friends. A single child does not mean a lonely child. It's hard work on the parent, no "go and play together and leave me in peace", but your kid can have the best childhood.

They grow so quickly, it's a shame not to enjoy these very short years they are little.
It's also very true that not all children react happily when a new sibling arrive, and some really really struggle and for a long time.

It's not about denying your feeling to make others feel better, it's about focusing on your child and the positive for HIM.

Thank you for asking that question @PoorYorick

I don't have an answer. But I'm grateful you bothered to ask. If anyone IRL was sensitive enough to ask I would hug them and sob. It would mean an awful lot they asked.

I hope you find peace.

I guess if there's no obvious thing to say, perhaps the right thing is simply, 'how shit, I am sorry you're going through that'.

I'm in tears and finding it harder to say thank you individually as thread is getting busier. But thank you all who do get it and to those who understand personally.

YANBU. Secondary infertility sucks, all fertility sucks. I went through 4 years of it to have dc2. People just don't understand, it's a very lonely and surprisingly more common then you'd think going by the statistics.