Infertility with one child rant. Trigger warning

[infertililitybitch]

I suffered infertility and was fortunate enough to have one miracle child.

The stress of ttc cost me my marriage and mental health. I will never be the person I was prior to infertility and prior to pregnancy after infertility.

I did not have a lovely pregnancy. I had a horrific nightmare of intense anxiety about prenatal OCD.

I was blessed with a healthy baby. I adore my child. I am a shell of what and who I was before and I lost friendships, my marriage, even my ability to work for several years as aside from a baby my MH was so poor.

I've done lots of therapy but I'm still aching for a "family" and grieving for the loss of my marriage and probably have some form of PTSD tbh.

I am constantly told I should just be grateful I have one. I should be, I kind of understand that. I would hate myself if I was my former childless self and moaning about this.

But prior to any - I hid from children and child places when the pain was too much, I avoided them and created a daily existence which could try to forget the fact my body didn't fall pregnant despite trying every month for years.

Now I have one, I'm finding it so hard that I don't have more than one - because I go to child places, do child stuff and I'm surrounded by people who are popping out sibling after sibling. I can't hide from my pain anymore.

I dated someone who had 3 kids last year. He ended it somewhat over my jealousy that he had 3. I wanted more and to try and he decided he didn't (initially he said he did or I wouldn't have dated him) and he told me I should be happy with the one I have and he would have been with one and moaned about the challenges of having 3. Obviously we weren't compatible, but I feel like I shouldn't have to defend that there is a pain even if you get 'one' if you suffer infertility.

If I had 2, my dreams would be fulfilled in that I have 2. But I will never be able to stop feeling this jealousy/sadness that my body doesn't just get on with it and has cost me mentally and emotionally so much more than another child.

starlight i agree 100% with this 'Mothers moaning how hard it is to have two but they adore each other (it should be socially acceptable to just tell the smug hits to eff of.'

That sentence leapt out at me. Talk about doube standards.

So you are allowed to moan about the stresses in your life, but if anyone else moans about the stresses in theirs they are smug gits??? That's a lovey balanced non judgemental view of life. Not

you are mad at me OP for what i said, and i knew you would be, because anyone tries to make you realise how damaging this is 'just doesn't understand' and that makes it ok for you to carry on this way. but its not ok.
and I have suffered it myself, i know how terrible distressing it is to know that your chance for any more children is gone. no one is lacking empathy for OP. but that doesn't mean we have agree that wallowing in it is the way to carry on. go back t therapy and find one that works. and work on acceptance. no one said it was easy, but it IS doable.

@TheOriginalEmu ah how eloquently manipulate of you to hijack the thread with your sanctimonious nobody said it would be easy waffle and purposely quote other posters words as though they were words I wrote and you're replying to them.

Many have helped massively and if your posts were genuinely in the spirit of being helpful perhaps I'd take more notice but as it is, The threads now gone from what it was last night to something else and those who were finding it helpful probably aren't anymore. Well done.

Autocorrect typo. *manipulative

I get it, I had recurrant miscarriages between my 2, and for a period thought I would 'only' have my son. I found it incredibly hard because already having 1, it's like you know what you're missing out on. Before you have any kids, you're only imagining it all and what it will be like. I got lucky in the end, hope it works out for you too.

hi OP

You seem to have changed your username so your posts aren't highlighted anymore

@NotAgainYoda didn't realise? I'm still infertilitybitch. I did nc from my usual username for the thread but thought I'd changed back to comment. Maybe I spelt it differently? Ah well, I'm exhausted. Last night was very helpful from the majority. Probably bowing out now. DS is awake and around. Thank you

It's hard. You're supposedly feel grateful because 'at least you've got one'.

I have a 3-year-old after 2.5 years of TTC, one round of failed IVF then a successful FET.

Started TTC #2 in August 2016. Since had a failed IVF, failed FET and then miscarriage from IVF last month.

Nearly £25k in debt, my sex life is ruined because of month after month of disappointment, I've had to watch my lovely husband cry and blame himself because the issue is with him. But yeah, at least I have one. Fuck off world!

OP - I also contemplated suicide before I had DS, it tears you apart. I wanted to throw myself down the stairs to get the DESPAIR out of my body. I felt broken.

I hear you OP
Ten years ivf and all
That jazz to
Get my dd
The longing for another was so intense so strong and raw it consumed me for
Years
My dd crying and asking me
When she could be a big sister
The endless talk about who’s having their number 2 child ......
I loathed pregnant people
Hated them
But had to socialise to ensure my dd had play dates
I would cry at the end of the day when dd had gone to bed and I didn’t have to put on a happy face anymore
I’d sit and think hateful thoughts about my dh because of his infertility
More failed ivf’s and more debt ......
Loving my dd so much, and because I loved being a mum so much to her, my heart literally aching to have another
Somehow it all got less raw
I’m not sure how
Dd is 10 now and I don’t feel so bad
But it will always be there
Take care x

Hi OP - I don’t know if I should be here really as I have my second child but I wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel.

After my first child was born both DH and I said we’d only have one child and I was fine with that. However as time passed I started to waiver and by the time our son was 12 months old I was desperate for another. I spoke to my husband so many times about it but he always said he wanted to stick to the original plan and he didn’t want another baby.

The hurt was unbearable and on many occasions I would cry to myself over it. I couldn’t bear the thought of never being pregnant again, never having a baby again, never breast feeding a baby again, never holding another baby in my arms and seeing it grow and all the other wonderful things that come with having a baby. I felt absolute despair at the thought of never having a second baby and it was on my mind constantly.

People, including DH would tell me that I was lucky to have one and then lost off all their perceived benefits of having an only child and as well meaning as they were I could hardly bear to listen to them. Having a child does not take away any of the pain at the thought of not having a much wanted second.

As it was, after a year of intermittently speaking to my DH about it, l eventually ended up in tears with him and I told him how without that second child I just didn’t feel I was complete, it felt like something was ‘wrong’ within me and that I couldn’t envision my life without another. I told him I couldn’t control my feelings or urges and that as much as I adored our son it just wasn’t enough - not that my son himself wasn’t enough but just that having him wasn’t enough to make my desires for a second baby go away.

My DH agreed we could TTC for #2. I fell pregnant straight away but it ended in a miscarriage and then it took another 10-11 cycles before I fell pregnant again. During those 10-11 cycles I felt so low because I couldn’t understand why my body wasn’t doing what it was supposed to do and it took over my life. I put a fake smile on my face, acted like my world was happy and perfect but underneath I felt so, so unhappy and guilty about the fact DS may never have a sibling. Part of me hated myself too for letting TTC become the main focus of my life when I should have just been enjoying the son I already had. It was a very confusing time.

Like I said, maybe I shouldn’t have posted so apologies if I cause any upset, I just wanted to share my story to let you know you aren’t alone regarding the emotions you have surrounding your need to have another baby.

A good friend of mine had been trying for a baby for years with her long term partner but it never happened and the stress of it all caused their relationship to break down. Strangely enough she met someone else after a few months and then 6 months into their relationship she found herself pregnant. He scarpered and she went on to have the baby.

She has since met someone else and they’ve been in a serious relationship for some time but despite TTC for over a year now she hasn’t fallen pregnant. She’s finding the whole situation very upsetting and a lot of the things you’ve said in your posts regarding the emotional difficulties you are having are very similar to things she has said to me about her own feelings. She’s desperately trying to hold it together to prevent another relationship breaking down but I’m pretty sure the toll it’s taking on them both as a couple will soon come to a head unfortunately.

As I’ve said OP, I don’t know if it’s inappropriate to have posted but I hope you can see that the reasons I have done are to offer you support and reassurance that what you are feeling, doing and saying are all completely understandable

I have a one and only DS, now aged 16. We tried everything for 10 years for a second child, but it didn’t happen for us and we stopped trying 5 years ago. It was so difficult as friends and family moved on to their second, third and even fourth children, but I tried my hardest not to be bitter. At first I was pretending to be happy for them, but one day I realised that I genuinely was. The pain did ease with time, and now I can see that while a second child would have been the icing on the cake, at least I have the cake and for that I feel truly blessed. I really hope things get easier for you too.

@QueenofmyPrinces no upset at all. Only upset is at those who come along to tell those of us in this pain we are silly for feeling it and be smug about how they cope so much better than us fools.

Appreciate those who share their feelings to all who aren't coping so brilliantly yet and are brave enough to share that they didn't/did get through it and how x

Op secondary is such a lonely thing it fucking hurts. My path took me on a route where everyone around me i.e. school run all had more than one. I got treated differently by some too as their views of you having just one was different. I tried for ten years for another. Broke my heart. No one understood. I had some TERRIBLE things said to me. The worst was that you should never have just one as if it dies you won't be a mother anymore . This was said to me AFTER I had told them I couldn't get pg. I spent a small fortune ttc putting my body at risk too with self medicating treatments. I'm 53 now and not quite as bad as not having any hope as too old has helped BUT I am angry and have a massive chip on my shoulder about it even though I know it is ridiculous. I HATE it when a woman says HOW MANY children do you have like they take for granted that you have more than 1. I must add I love having my dd. I've had a fab life with her. Having one has it's good points ie she is privately educated/we have a lot more cash and are able to do things we couldn't have been able to otherwise plus we are a tight family who have loads of time for each other. I bite the head off anyone who dares say anything negative to me about having one 😁. My journey was made a hundred times worse as I was surrounded by friends who effortlessly got pg in their 40s inc 3 who weren't even trying and already had loads. I lost my bf too connected with it. I agree with you op. Those of us who never went on to have a 2nd feel a lonely despair that no one else has any idea what it feels like so dont tell us how to feel that includes those who had initially had problems trying for number 2 but went on to have a second. You went to the other side of the fence.

YANBU

Secondary infertility is acutely painful and it puts you in the uniquely awful position of being told by strangers that you are selfish for only having one, and by friends that you should be grateful.

And everything Bearhunter said as well.

I totally get you.
You’re getting pain from every angle.
‘Be grateful you’ve got one’ is probably meant well but doesn’t help.
You’re grieving for yourself, but also for your existing child because you’ve failed to provide the longed for sibling - you’ve taken on the pain of two people.
That’s so hard.

I have one. I have MS. For all sorts of reasons she's an only. She's the only "only" in her class. It used to tear me to shreds. I was one of three.
Only time [sorry] will get you over it. Do lots of crazy stuff with your child. I seriously doubt people are really that bothered whether you have just one. Most people understand there is some sort of back story to someone's situation if they have one. If you hear a stupid remark from someone- all you can do is think "fuck 'em". But it takes time to get to that position.

I hear you OP. I suffered with infertility for over a decade. Then my first daughter came along. Sadly she died late into pregnancy. Our second daughter came along late the following year and I love her with every fibre of my being.

I was in shock for a while, to be honest, that after over a decade of disappointment and failure, I suddenly went, in the space of less than two years, from being someone who was on the road to accepting my infertility and getting used to the idea of being childfree, to being the mother of two children, one of whom is dead. There is always this constant heartache that there should be two. There are two. But no one sees that.

Infertility sucks. Be it first or secondary. It just sucks.

I hope none of you where on that thread recently where the poster couldn't bear to be around her pregnant relative.
The people on there should have been ashamed of themselves the way they spoke to her all because she failed to say she already had one dc.

I don’t get it! after going through fertility issues myself you should find peace and be happy that you have a child. It would be worse if you had not had a child so please stop wanting more and realise you have everything. having a child is a wonderful and that should be enough. If you continue to mourn what you don’t have, it will stop you enjoying what you do have and that is so much more than a lot of people

lola whilst I get what you are saying and I know you mean well, telling someone this is like telling someone who has depression to snap out of it and that they shouldn't be depressed because ie they are rich or beautiful . It's complicated and one doesn't have control of how their heart is pulling them sadly

I’m about to start fertility treatment and terrified I will feel the same way if we only have one as I dreamed of two. I’m worried I’ve left it too late as well because of my fears.

I am an only child, my dm couldn’t have anymore after me and she pushed me away in the end as I wasn’t enough for her. She became a childminder and was obsessed with babies and toddlers. She didn’t get any therapy and as I got older it got worse. I was a constant reminder and I felt it, the bitterness & sadness. I sometimes felt it would have been better if I had never been born, I wasn’t sucidial just frustrated I didn’t have a mum. She should have got help but was too proud.

Bang on every door of the NHS and get the therapy you need do not give up until you get what you need. And rant on here, screw others judgement that you have one already get over it, you’re grieving. You need the tools to learn how to live with it and find peace and that’s a process. I think this video from bbc describes grief perfectly:

www.facebook.com/bbciplayer/videos/2168915343327846/

Least you recognise it & trying to get help, keep doing that, I hope others on here can help you find support as well

I’m sorry, but this all sounds like a major mental health issue. Losing relationships, running up debts, resenting friends - this isn’t normal. Just because it’s about motherhood doesn’t mean it’s healthy. For context - I’d love a child, many of my friends are on their second by now. It stings a bit, but I could never resent them and I’m not ruining my life over it.

Hi op. I was finally diagnosed with ptsd after about 2 years struggling with many different parts of my life. It really takes over. By that point I'd already tried antidepressants (which I found made it worse) and cbt. For me it was a near death experience that caused my ptsd, but everyone's trauma is different. Ptsd happens when our brains encounter an experience that is too difficult to deal with. Usually our experiences get filed away as memories (whether good or bad) but with a trauma they can sometimes not get processed correctly. The result is they get stuffed in your brain and can resurface when you least expect, often triggered by people/sounds/places/other things that you associate with the traumatic event. When this happens it's like you're right back there experiencing it all over again. It's awful and I really feel for you. For me, I wrote out my trauma in excruciating detail over and over (this was traumatic in itself!!). It was amazing how much detail I remembered - even though it had happened so long before. Since then I can't describe how much of a weight has lifted. I still get very occasionally anxious and mildly depressed but nothing like I was. If you do go to therapy for it, this is really all they get you to do - face it head on so your brain has to process it. I'd recommend reading up on ptsd. Once I had, it was like a lightbulb being turned on and explained all the very confusing feelings I'd been having.

to everybody in pain on this thread.

Sometimes things are not ok, will never be ok and all you need is a space to allow your feelings to be felt however awful they are. Life is not a competition and bad things happen to good people who absolutely don't deserve to face such dark times. Sending you a handhold OP xx

I struggled with
Number 2 and worked in a
Small office where everyone else was
Pregnant and I was trying and cried tears and tears x my daughter at the
Time was six and I felt the
Need to give her a sibling x after
Fertility when he was born she
All of a
Sudden got friends in the street and was
Never in x or going to events with that and along with postnatal depression I got due to
My
Sons lines it was very hard and for a
Long time I wished I'd
Stuck with one. It's so easier to find
Babysitters cheaper and lead a life
That is still
Compatible with being an adult

I was advised not to have any more as pregnancy triggered an auto immune condition that would affect any future kids, so we decided that it wasn't worth the risk.. I would have liked another, as ds would have benefited from a sibling.

However. financially having only one child has made life easier. We have got him through university without loans; he says he doesn't miss having a sibling, as he looks at my brother and I, and we aren't that close. He likes having all the attention and the support. For him, being an only has so far, been an advantage.

Both my parents were onlies, so it's not unusual in my family.

It took a while to get my head around only having one, but I got there. It felt like a door had shut forever, but better that than having a very sick child, or my auto immune disease getting worse. I look at friends with multiple kids, and I don't envy then as they are constantly pulled between the demands of their now adult offspring, and what they do for one, they have to do for all, so it's costly in terms of time and money.

You do come to terms with it OP, but it takes years.