Infertility with one child rant. Trigger warning

[infertililitybitch]

I suffered infertility and was fortunate enough to have one miracle child.

The stress of ttc cost me my marriage and mental health. I will never be the person I was prior to infertility and prior to pregnancy after infertility.

I did not have a lovely pregnancy. I had a horrific nightmare of intense anxiety about prenatal OCD.

I was blessed with a healthy baby. I adore my child. I am a shell of what and who I was before and I lost friendships, my marriage, even my ability to work for several years as aside from a baby my MH was so poor.

I've done lots of therapy but I'm still aching for a "family" and grieving for the loss of my marriage and probably have some form of PTSD tbh.

I am constantly told I should just be grateful I have one. I should be, I kind of understand that. I would hate myself if I was my former childless self and moaning about this.

But prior to any - I hid from children and child places when the pain was too much, I avoided them and created a daily existence which could try to forget the fact my body didn't fall pregnant despite trying every month for years.

Now I have one, I'm finding it so hard that I don't have more than one - because I go to child places, do child stuff and I'm surrounded by people who are popping out sibling after sibling. I can't hide from my pain anymore.

I dated someone who had 3 kids last year. He ended it somewhat over my jealousy that he had 3. I wanted more and to try and he decided he didn't (initially he said he did or I wouldn't have dated him) and he told me I should be happy with the one I have and he would have been with one and moaned about the challenges of having 3. Obviously we weren't compatible, but I feel like I shouldn't have to defend that there is a pain even if you get 'one' if you suffer infertility.

If I had 2, my dreams would be fulfilled in that I have 2. But I will never be able to stop feeling this jealousy/sadness that my body doesn't just get on with it and has cost me mentally and emotionally so much more than another child.

I may "have nothing to feel guilty about" @ikeepaforkinmypurse but that doesn't stop the guilt

I spend every single day concealing as best I can my sadness from my child. When I should be enjoying him and focusing on him, I am doing my utmost best to do that. Alongside attempting at hiding a very deep pain and fretting I may not be hiding it well enough.

I think the main problem is people would say, how would you feel if you had no children.
Which is perhaps why they don’t understand how you feel. Or why they struggle to empathise as opposed to sympathise.

In a way, you need to deal with the deep route of why you feel a desperate need for more than one child.

Also, not sure AIBU is the best place for such a sensitive subject.

I don't think AIBU was the right place for this thread.

You say yourself that you don't know that a second child would fill the hole. That, to me, looking from the outside, would be a reason to not be trying to.

What is your AIBU? To want a second child? No, that is entirely reasonable. To continue to allow this to be all consuming, which will be detrimental to the child you do have, however hard you try to avoid it? That would be more unreasonable. I don't think you have had the right type of counselling, or the counsellor has been the wrong person. You need to go back to therapy until you are able to move past this and teach yourself to be happy with your lot in life.

ikeepaforkinmypurse Rarely have I ever come across such a lack of empathy. You really have no idea, have you?

I understand.

Over 2 years and a loss and then DD1 arrived. Over 2 years again and another loss and DD2 arrived. Having children has been the toughest battle of my life. The first time we got to the point of considering our options which was bad enough but having to do it for a second time nearly destroyed me. Yeah I’m lucky, I feel lucky every single day but the fact that some complete miracle happened doesn’t retract from the fact that I should have the 4 children I always wanted, it should have been easier than this, just like it is for so many others.

I’ve had to listen to:
Just adopt
Consider fostering
At least you know you can get pregnant
At least you have one already
Just think about how lucky you are
Go on holidays instead
Just relax and it’ll happen
Endless comments about only children

I have no advice unfortunately. It’s such a complex thing to even try to explain and I’m sure I’ll never get my head round it.

OP just a few tips in regards to your mental health...
I understand you are hurting and your soul is sore from the constant painful reminders around you. From what you describe, counselling isn't really working for you. I understand this as I have similar issues with a childhood trauma.
My life was turned around when I realised that a) the only one who can help you is you, a counsellor can only guide you to possible directions but healing has to come from inside yourself. b) have a look around you. Look at the things you have: a home, a flock of birds outside your window, a car, money to buy food, physical health, a clean bed, ... Try and find 2-3 things you have every day and say them out loud. Focus on the good things and acknowledge the bad ones. They are all part of you and who you are.

I make no apologies @eightfacesofthemoon I placed it here for traffic and tonight I am venting. I placed a trigger warning and the tone of the thread is quite clear. I am also not alone in my pain. Other posters have chosen to read despite trigger warning and identified with me.

I hide my pain daily IRL. I'm not going to place it neatly out of sight for those who feel uncomfortable on MN. It has a trigger warning.

Anyone who makes nasty comments about only children is a hateful and ignorant shithead. Of all the things that you might worry about, please don't burden yourself with hateful and ignorant shitheads.

I may be missing something, or misunderstood, but I don't read this as you saying you do have secondary infertility OP. I read it as you haven't had the opportunity to have a second child due to the breakdown of your marriage and your more recent relationship.

If I have understood this correctly then you have options in terms of finding a new relationship in which you both want children or in which he has children which can ultimately be step siblings to your child. If this doesn't happen, and you can afford it, you could also access fertility treatment as a single woman.

My wider concern (and I say this as a woman who would desperately love to have another child and if money wasn't an issue either in conception or upbringing then I would), is that I am not sure that another child is necessarily the solution you seem to think it will be.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to seek out support to understand where this feeling of dissatisfaction is coming from. I have a miracle baby and love him with all my being and while I would love a second I have to be satisfied with my lot because it is what it is and your situation sounds not dissimilar. I really hope you find some peace.

Op I don’t have any advice but you are not alone I spent 10 years TTC#2 it is horrific and the feelings of guilt and sadness of not being able to give DC siblings are truly truly awful. I stopped TTC 2 years ago and only in the last few months has the despair lifted and I have finally “accepted” it on some level. I don’t think the pain will ever leave but I hope over time you get a level of peace.

Anyone who makes nasty comments about only children is a hateful and ignorant shithead.

Agreed.

I suspect you are grieving for the life you thought you would have, the marriage, the family etc not necessarily the child.

Have you tried to counsellor at the Zita west clinic? London based so might not help but she turned my Thinking on it’s head and it really helped ( i started to develop anxiety about something happenenjg to dc1and becoming childless.)

There are some that have completely got that I have said I don't think a second child would necessarily fix it. Some who have got that I am fully aware it may not.

And others who've completely missed that infertility leaves a scar. Long after a child arrives.

And to PP on the subject of secondary infertility... I have two known infertility causing diagnoses. Even if Prince Charming happened tomorrow, it may not ever happen and I may fuck up that relationship with my pain. I'm intensely aware of that.

@infertililitybitch
I don’t feel uncomfortable about it in the slightest! I was trying to help you.
But you seem to want to be a bit goady to anyone who doesn’t immediately take your side. I think I was pretty neutral FYI

Agreed on only children. I know lots of lovely ones, well adjusted, grounded. Also lots of people with terrible sibling dynamics.

passmetheloppers I have empathy for the child stuck in the middle.
There are enough "you are ok hun" I don't need to join in.

It is a rant. Title clear. Trigger warning applied.

And relevant to comments that people who feel this break the rules society wants that I am defending my posting here in your sight and for traffic.

@ikeepaforkinmypurse
I love your name!!

Didn’t take long for some self righteous sod to come along and say be grateful and make your child your priority. Jesus! Now we know who was standing at the back of the line when god was handing out empathy! Like our only children aren’t the most precious thing in the world to us who we desperately want to not feel like we’re letting down. But I guess then someone will then accuse us of creating spoiled only children. If you want to know what secondary infertility is like ( with ptsd from an extremely traumatic birth, neonatal illness thrown in) try imagining someone grabbing hold of your intestines twisting them whilst screaming in such pain it’s actually silent! That all happens whilst trying to fend off idiots who come out with shit like that

I understand. It took me a couple of years to get pregnant with my dd and I spent years and years trying to conceive again, but it never happened. I vividly remember that time of life being governed by ovulation testing kits and that horrible feeling every time I had a period and knew that I still wasn't pregnant.

My dd was desperate for a younger brother or sister and that just added to the pressure. Apart from the longing I had for another child I had the guilt that she was an only child when she didn't want to be.

All I can say is that if things don't work out for you it will get easier. It might take a long time, but eventually you will reach a point where you are able to accept the way things are.

My dd is now 15. She knows that I'm too old to get pregnant and has given up on trying to get us to foster or adopt, but enjoys the material things that we couldn't have given her if we had 2 children and also has close enough friendships to feel that she isn't missing out too much by not having a sibling.

I've reached a point where I can say that I would have liked 2 children, but that is just a factual statement. If anybody comments I just say "We would have liked another one, but it didn't work out.". The emotions that I used to feel when talking about it are just not there any more.

It's not easy and I suppose each of us takes a different length of time to really accept how things work out (or don't), but you will get there.

@Bearhunter09  my first ever MN gold star.

Empathy for the child stuck in the middle? - but I've nothing to feel guilty about. @ikeepaforkinmypurse have my first ever MN

It is really hard and secondary infertility sent me into a pretty low point in my life. Sometimes there is no resolution and that second baby never does come along. I am now, almost certainly, past the age where it would be possible for me. That was a really hard milestone to pass, but it has gradually become easier over time.

I found that it helped to give up monitoring my cycle. The passing of time also helps as your child gets older, they are doing new and exciting things and there are fewer baby siblings around.

@Bearhunter09 god knows where the star went 🙈

Gosh I could have written parts of your post. We suffered from 10 years infertility before dc, and indeed dc is a miracle, however it doesn’t take away that yearning desire I had my whole life for a family with multiple children. We’ve been trying for number 2 and its been slow to say the least.

You have to grieve, you have to allow yourself to let go. I don’t know how but it takes time. To an extent I think some of the pain never goes away but you learn to live with it.

If you want to know what secondary infertility is like ( with ptsd from an extremely traumatic birth, neonatal illness thrown in) try imagining someone grabbing hold of your intestines twisting them whilst screaming in such pain it’s actually silent!

Sounds exactly like primary infertility.