Infertility with one child rant. Trigger warning

[infertililitybitch]

I suffered infertility and was fortunate enough to have one miracle child.

The stress of ttc cost me my marriage and mental health. I will never be the person I was prior to infertility and prior to pregnancy after infertility.

I did not have a lovely pregnancy. I had a horrific nightmare of intense anxiety about prenatal OCD.

I was blessed with a healthy baby. I adore my child. I am a shell of what and who I was before and I lost friendships, my marriage, even my ability to work for several years as aside from a baby my MH was so poor.

I've done lots of therapy but I'm still aching for a "family" and grieving for the loss of my marriage and probably have some form of PTSD tbh.

I am constantly told I should just be grateful I have one. I should be, I kind of understand that. I would hate myself if I was my former childless self and moaning about this.

But prior to any - I hid from children and child places when the pain was too much, I avoided them and created a daily existence which could try to forget the fact my body didn't fall pregnant despite trying every month for years.

Now I have one, I'm finding it so hard that I don't have more than one - because I go to child places, do child stuff and I'm surrounded by people who are popping out sibling after sibling. I can't hide from my pain anymore.

I dated someone who had 3 kids last year. He ended it somewhat over my jealousy that he had 3. I wanted more and to try and he decided he didn't (initially he said he did or I wouldn't have dated him) and he told me I should be happy with the one I have and he would have been with one and moaned about the challenges of having 3. Obviously we weren't compatible, but I feel like I shouldn't have to defend that there is a pain even if you get 'one' if you suffer infertility.

If I had 2, my dreams would be fulfilled in that I have 2. But I will never be able to stop feeling this jealousy/sadness that my body doesn't just get on with it and has cost me mentally and emotionally so much more than another child.

Yes I made the point that the pain isn't comparable to every pain. And asked for it not to turn into a competition between posters pain. Invalidating someones pain because yours is worse when they're two completely different things doesn't help anyone. Ive not said there's nothing worse anyone can go through. We buried my small cousin. Would I go cry on my aunts shoulder about this? No. She was a mum to a child she had loved, known and mothered. We miss and grieve my cousin. I have not lost or yet known my hypothetical second child. It's not comparable. It still fucking hurts. Differently. I would never expect her to understand my pain because of hers. They're very different things.

I posted for traffic. And name changed to infertilitybitch which is fairly self explanatory. Applied a trigger warning on what it was about so women facing primary or losses do not have to read something that will cause them pain to read.

As for it being unhealthy. Thanks for stating the obvious that I attend therapy for.

I have ranted. Many have identified. A few knobs want to gloss over lots of women being supportive to each other and find a way to make it a bunfight. Fire away and destroy the support. Or just sod off to other threads for that.

TheOriginalEmu---I agree that this seems like really unhealthy grieving from OP. I followed most this thread because I'm child free by choice and could never understand some women's high distress over not having children, but am trying to.

I've concluded, at least in SOME cases, the women who can't let it go have some other deeply rooted problems they think having a child will fix. Loneliness probably one big factor.

OP

I hope for your sake and for your DC's sake you can find a place of peace and acceptance...... Life is unfair, it doesn't turn out how we would always like. But, we only have one life, so live it........ and try to let the regrets go....

Sorry, haven't RTFT, but just wanted to add my thoughts.

I think it's really sad that you haven't yet been able to have the family you wanted and I think it's actually quite healthy to work through a process of acceptance about how much harder your journey has been than you anticipated and that you may not end up with the number of children you so badly want. This is an absolutely massive thing to get your head around and can only imagine how difficult and painful this is for you.

I do also think, as you seem to recognise, that your thoughts and feelings about not having more children have started to become a bit of an obsession that is in danger of taking over your life. Most people at some point will face some kind of grief in their life whether it be related to infertility or other great sadnesses such as bereavements or health issues. We all have to fight to stop the emotions connected to this grief from consuming us. It's easy to feel bitterness and jealousy towards people that seem to hace what we don't and desperately long for, but I think what we often forget is that those people will be fighting their own battles which we may have no idea about. That's why well meaning people say about being grateful for what you DO have. It isn't a statement designed to belittle your grief and feelings, but instead to allow some perspective when the sadness can feel overwhelming.

Put it this way, if someone had written your posts (obviously with different details) about losing a parent what would you think? I imagine you would find their situation very sad and sympathise with how they feel , but I also suspect you would identify that the way the grief was manifesting was not helpful for them.

PTSD results from direct exposure to death, threatened death, serious injury or threatened serious injury or sexual violence or threatened sexual violence. Diagnostic criteria is very clear. Exemptions to that would be people who had a family member/loved one die violently (murdered for instance) or Police officers continuously exposed to images of child sexual abuse.

You can be traumatised by not being able to have another child but unless the above were involved, it would not be PTSD and a specialist PTSD service would not accept your referral.

I think that maybe this anger you are venting is part of a process.
It's hard for us to read

You do need to work through that and I really hope this helps.

Until (unless) you do I also would be very worried about you even trying to have another child, because of the effects on your existing child. A mother who has spent some of their childhood in much distress is very hard for a child. For that distress then to be apparently assuaged by another child with a different parent - that's really worrying.

You should be great full to have one?!? Fuck that bollocking for a start. I have one he's 8. I love him with all my heart. But I still want more. Hugs OP

@TheOriginalEmu

Totally agree with you. The OPs obsession seems very unhealthy and the aggression towards anyone who dares to have a different opinion says a lot.

Having a relationship end because of jealousy that he had 3 children should have been a wake up call...especially as you don't want to go it alone.

@endchauvinism
Agree with you too about there being deeper rooted issues.

My DS is 18 Months and took a long time to conceive. My friends with babies the same age are all pregnant again and will have perfect age gaps, I’m so jealous.

I do understand the frustration of people suffering primary infertility when people who have a child are in desperate need of another. But please also understand that secondary infertility also brings with it a whole unique set of issues. Comments like some people seem fitcto put on this thread basically saying just be happy you have one, you’re messing your kid up by them not feeling enough, study after study has shown the desire for a child you can’t have is equally as mentally traumatic, each carries a tisk of suicide. Yet those suffering primary infertility are given sympathy when then talk about it those with secondary infertility are buried in guilt by total strangers and constant calls for sibling from their much loved child. For me I have an added layer in that Me and my baby nearly died so I didn’t see him for the first week of his life. I ended up with ptsd such was the trauma. The place to go to get support from that is full of stories of people’s healing births, women talking about the fear they have of giving birth to their second. Should I shout at them about how lucky they are and stop being so silly at least they’re getting a second go? No absolutely not and I don’t because they’re as entitled to their pain as I am mine. It is not a competition. The op clearly stated this might be a trigger and has very eloquently explained how devastating secondary infertility is. Like many things what originally starts the pain is often transcended and leaves a massive mark on you as a person. This can be many things. But do not tell people they don’t have a right to feel a devastating pain.

I've an only dc

I've grieved after a late loss of second dc, we grieved again for the third, not so late this time, but a pattern was emerging. The pain became too unbearable and I decided to stop.

Counselling helped.

That pain isn't physical now like it actually used to feel.

I carry immense guilt for my only. Dc happy as Larry and reaps the many, many Benefits associated with being so.

I couldn't turn our lives Into one of sadness, constantly grieving and losing potential siblings along the way.

I have an amazing dc, happy and fulfilling life, career I love, a DP who is beyond supportive. I've worked hard to bring those things to the top of my life and leave the grief alone for a while. Will the pain return, possibly along the way? Absolutely, but now I won't let it destroy my or our lives, that's the difference.

I find it easy to recognise how lucky I am now. It took a while to get here.

You recognise this is consuming your life, I'd say seek a different kind of therapy for your sake and dc's.

'Having a relationship end because of jealousy that he had 3 children should have been a wake up call...especially as you don't want to go it alone.'

^

This.

Makes me wonder if you'll be jealous of any potential partner, who has any number of dc.

What is apparently clear from this thread is that people suffering secondary infertility all understand and have very similar feelings to op. People who don’t feel they have the right to judge because they don’t understand the mental amguish it causes. To those people I would ask they spend a few minutes of the day googling mental effects of secondary infertility just to educate themselves a bit. Op I’m so sorry you are getting g such a hard time but I guess it’s reflective of how society is. It really is one of those things you only really understand if you’ve been there and had to put up with the comments, being told by the nhsto eff off, feeling like you can’t soend the little money you have left on pursuing private treatment (which is the only option) because it prob won’t work and you think you should spend it on your existing child etc. But please ignore the uneducated comments there are many of us on this thread that understand the pain and the anger and the grief that we are expected to just keep inside us

'Mothers moaning how hard it is to have two but they adore each other (it should be socially acceptable to just tell the smug hits to eff of.'

That sentence leapt out at me. Talk about doube standards.

So you are allowed to moan about the stresses in your life, but if anyone else moans about the stresses in theirs they are smug gits??? That's a lovey balanced non judgemental view of life. Not.

I am very sorry that you are struggling, and agree it is a difficult place to be, BUT that doesn't mean mothers with two aren't struggling in different ways, and their struggles are just as valid. It is hard with two. The sleep deprivation when they are both little and waking each other up at night makes the whole newborn phase seem very easy in comparison. The fighting. Constant jealously. It is exhausting.

You want empathy for your position, and you have it from all of us. Try having a little empathy for others too.

I don't have kids, it never happened for me and I am at peace with that now. I went through a few difficult years but nothing compared to what some people face, it was something that fortunately I found quite easy to accept. I was very lucky I think in this regard.

I think you are trapped in your own head and by your own mind. I mean that in a kind way. I am the worst for this myself at times. As long as you continue this way, nothing will ever be enough, you will never find peace. I think you found that when you had your son? All your problems were not suddenly solved, they were replaced by new just as painful problems.

I recommend you either read or listen to the audiobook of the 'The Untethered Soul' by Michael Singer. It has helped me enormously.

I wish you the very best and sincerely hope you find peace.

It only seems to be infertility that brings out this "get over it, things could be worse" reaction on Mumsnet. Especially secondary infertility, because then you're not allowed to be sad, you've got one

Nobody tells the woman whose husband has left her "get over it, it could be worse"
Nobody tells the woman who has been diagnosed with a chronic long term illness "get over it, your feelings are unhealthy, at least nobody has died"

Infertility is completely shit, even secondary fertility, because for OP to even get to this point, she's lost her marriage, her friends, and is mentally struggling. As are many women who have gone through the same thing. It almost doesn't matter what the outcome is. The pain doesn't always stop, even when the long for child arrives. In fact, sometimes it gets worse - a lot of women who have been through it are very prone to PND.

It's a awful, complex issue. It ruins people.

Nobody tells the woman whose husband has left her "get over it, it could be worse"

I think posters would if the bitterness and pain they were feeling was starting to destroy their life. It's natural and normal to feel these negative emotions and we all need to time to process them, but can't you see how the OP is in real danger of letting her secondary infertility ruin everything good in her life?

"We miss and grieve my cousin. I have not lost or yet known my hypothetical second child. It's not comparable. It still fucking hurts. Differently. I would never expect her to understand my pain because of hers. They're very different things."

😳

I am glad that mumsnett is being nice to you op I recently witnessed somebody getting appalling abuse on a thread after they discovered she already had one child. Everybody laid into her because she had failed to mention it.

Makes me wonder if you'll be jealous of any potential partner, who has any number of dc

Based on the past this seems like a given. The desperation and irrational behaviour would make almost all men stay far away from a relationship with the OP.

If a man came across this way, I'd think he wanted a child more than he wanted me and I'd be gone in a flash.

I'm the you that didn't have a child, that avoids places with children and babies. I lost my son and I would go through hell 1000x over to have that one miracle child.

Remember why you did it, to have him. He was worth all of that. Going through it all again could destroy you, and for his sake, don't. I couldn't bear the thought of finally having a baby and not being able to support it. You need to get yourself to a place of acceptance of your current situation first.

It sounds like you were never able to come to terms with the not having a child in the first place that it's continued, even though your son is here now. I know you've said you've done a lot of counselling, as have I, but sometimes perspectives change and it's worth a revisit.

I'm 8 months on from losing my son, and I was coping and then I wasn't again. 2 months ago I wouldn't think of counselling again, but now I have an appointment in a week's time. I'm doing it for my mental health, and the sake of the child I hope to have in the future. I hope you consider the same. Don't lose yourself please.

I think the problem is that it is somewhat socially unacceptable to say 'Oh, that's so shit - you poor thing' when someone shares this kind of information with you. We all feel duty-bound to try and find a 'bright side' or to help the person suffering to 'cheer up' that people rarely consider whether they are doing it for their own benefit or for that of the person they are supposedly 'comforting'.

This a million times. I never managed to have any children and all I wanted to hear was acknowledgement of my pain. Not advice, not suggestions about adoption, not cheery anecdotes about Auntie Flo who got pregnant at 48, just "I'm so sorry."

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I really, really hope you find peace. The problem with life is that we think we can be happy when we get x or when x happens. Life and happiness is not to be measured on these things because they may never come.

I have beautiful nearly 2 year old but I also lost a baby (at 14.5 weeks) last year. We would really like for her to have a sibling but we know that it may or may not happen and pregnancy is something I am very apprehensive about due to the trauma of last year. So whilst we would like for her to have a sibling we are focusing on our day to day life and keeping busy and being happy with what we have. It would be a terrible thing to live our life seeking this elusive happiness to only realise in the end that we had it all along we just couldn't see it.

I don't know how you go about achieving this but I hope you do find contentment soon.

@Merryhobnobs lovely post! When x happens we want y!
Really sorry for your loss

I can slightly relate OP. I have one DS. He is my world. I'm very single and can't see that changing any time soon. Half of me would absolutely love another baby and I look at families sometimes and feel so jealous of their situations.

However, I love being on my own. I love that my son and I can get up on a sunday and jump in the car to go on an adventure to the seaside or a theme park. If I was in a relationship I'd loose that flexibility and spontaneity. If I had another baby now (on my own), my son would loose out as we'd have limitations on the stuff we can do.

Any many of those 'happy families' you see aren't actually as happy as it would appear from the outside.

As much as my life has not turned out at all the way I had hoped and planned for it, I have much to be grateful for and I'd be very nervous about doing anything to disrupt our situation.

I hope you come to find peace with your situation too OP.