Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

*You got engaged 2 years ago and there's still another 14 months til the wedding?

She's probably bored shitless of it all.*

This. You need to calm down OP.

I know you have flounced OP - but one, a maid of honour sounds like an over 50s role and b, the role of the maid of honour is to turn up on the day. No wonder she is findng other things to do.,

It would honestly be so pointless trying to organise a hen do 14 months in advance. When you’re the age group that is getting married/graduating etc, a lot of attendees will obviouslybe in the same boat, and this is also the age people start having babies. It makes it impossible for people to commit to a boozy do 14 months in advance, especially if (as i suspect from the tone of this thread) it will be a weekend long extravaganza in a far flung destination, and not a simple local meal out and piss up with added penis straws and L plates. Life happens.

As someone rightly mentions, a/l is also an issue so far in advance, especially if people are in jobs where they work shifts. Some professions have very little leeway in when they take leave. Especially when people haven’t actually graduated and been appointed yet.

Op I'm with you. My moh was my absolute rock through my planning. Made my hen night the best night out. Was there for dress fittings. My children on the day. I returned the favour (I hope) I'm surprised not many people can see that it's a real let down.

Re readwhat youve written op. You sound major brideziller. You are getting married not her! Its months ahead. Review your expectations. Read mn on brides asap.

@Kocerhan3
I remember being really excited when planning my wedding and I've heard far worse Bridezilla stories.

You want your best friend with you to help you choose your dress - YANBU and most best friends would be so chuffed. I suspect as PP have mentioned she is in a different place to you right now. Maybe take some time to sit down and understand what is going on with her. It can be so easy to tell someone, "you'll get this one day". DON'T do this. Try something along the lines of, "What can we do together to have fun that we will both enjoy?"

As for expecting the planning of the hen-do, ah well, this is varied... I've heard of amazing weekends planned by bridesmaids etc but equally, fab ones where bride has wanted it low key and arranged themselves. It can feel like a lot of pressure to make someone's last single weekend "special" - not sure I would want that responsibility. But, hey, you may simply be asking way too early.

Go and be her friend for a bit and then discuss the bride stuff later - you have ages.

All the best.

It might all be a bit much for her. Not everyone is great at planning things especially for other people. She might feel a bit overwhelmed. I think there may be a lot going on with her that maybe you need to try to understand from her so that you might ease the pressure. Did she explain why she forgot? If this is unusual behaviour from her then something isn’t adding up. Maybe nothing to do with you and all about something with her.

Lol haribo

I am amazed all the guests didn’t spontaneously die of cringe

kocer if you are paying for the bulk of the hen do then I don't think you are being unreasonable to want people to spend the time with you. Maybe your friend is just feeling overwhelmed by finishing uni and finding a job & it just isn't on her radar yet.
Honestly not everyone is into weddings and it doesn't mean she doesn't like you or doesn't want to be mates. More that she just doesn't find it that exciting. I would struggle to be excited about wedding fayres even for my own wedding - but I guess we are all different.

Why are we adopting all these ridiculous USA foibles? First Halloween and now all this Maid of Honour bollocks. Do you really expect your chosen one to spend days with you you while you choose a dress and then have numerous fittings? No doubt you'll also be upset if she doesn't organise a three week hen do in Namibia paid for and attended by numerous brides maids who will also be expected to pay for their massively expensive (your choice) dresses?

You come across as incredibly entitled and I feel sorry for you because post 2019, you're going to come down with massive post wedding crash.

Best advice I can give you - Park the wedding stuff with your MoH for the time being (you can still do it with your mum and/or other friends) and just concentrate on doing stuff together which benefits you both.

And bear in mind that whilst she might not be fulfilling your expectations, you might not be fulfilling hers.

OP, I have no idea why everyone is being so horrible to you on here. They are all making huge assumptions about you, and guessing about why she is being like this. I didn't have any adult bridesmaids and had a very simple wedding, but I still had to book stuff more than a year in advance (and still couldn't get a Saturday in the school holidays).

If you are such good friends, can you not have a chat with her about why she is seeming less than enthusiastic at the moment? Say that you are sorry if you have been a bit full on (even if you haven't) and ask whether she is okay with being MOH, that you don't want to give her stuff to do if she is already overloaded.

Jeez I was bored witless halfway down page 2.
Get some perspective.

someone else mentioned this, which I hadn't considered (I know nothing of this field) and no ones explained to me. It's a valid point

So you've asked her nothing about her training or career? Maybe she's disappointed in your lack of interest in her life....

Oh and please don't have a heart to heart now - she'll be in the middle of finals. and in need of your support

It has turned a bit nasty towards the OP. I think talking to her is the best idea of all. She will have a reason about why she is acting the way she is. I hope that you can both work through it.

HariboIsMyCrack will you be my new lady friend? Not in a sexual way; unless you insist.

It seems to me she might be a little jealous. Maybe have a talk to her and see if she still wants to be MOH. If not ask another friend. I totally get why you want her to be all excited and into it with you. I hope if she still wants to do it she gets into it a bit mote nearer the time for u xxx

It’s totally fell out with a friend who expected too much of me as a bridesmaid. The thing is i am just not a wedding person and was NEVER going to be the sort of person who sees the value in hen dos, rehersal dinners, venues etc. It’s just not me. You must know this girl. Is this the sort of thing she is interested in? You can’t make her someone she’s not. Plus do think about what you are asking for. You say she is just finishing uni. She must have been really stressed so maybe cut her some slack.

Being a maid of honour is s big ask! Organising a hen do is one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do. No one can agree plus the bride should really not be telling her what they expect. It’s a hell of s lot of stress to ‘prove’ what a good friend you are.

If you want this girl as maid of honour then you need to accept her for who she is and what energy she is able to put into it. Maybe take the pressure off and ask someone else to organise the hen for instance.

Jeez! A three year engagement, with the wedding still over a year away and fretting over stuff like the hen do! How bloody tedious. The friend is in the middle of her finals! Somewhat more urgent than your wedding in 14 months, OP. Get a grip!

It's fine to get venue, photographer etc. booked early. Over a year seems a bit too soon to be ordering a dress? (I ordered mine 3 months before my wedding, do any stores need 14 months notice to get a dress in for you?)
Far far too early to be talking about a hen do - sort that out a couple of months ahead of time.
Alternatively, sort it out yourself so you get all the hassle that your poor friend is dreading (trying to organise something that everyone will enjoy, hoping nobody gets pregnant now and then insists on bringing their baby to the hen weekend, you know the kind of thing....)

I guess you've stepped out OP but I wanted to add that YANBU....and neither is she.
You want to share your planning with her...she needs to concentrate on the most important 6 months of her academic career. Give it until mid-June, when her finals are over. I bet she'll feel like a different person.
Hope all goes well for you both

Hear Hear @MrsCatE !!

All that American bullsh!t - how did anyone ever decide it was a good thing to force bridesmaids to wear a dress that the bride gets to choose, and then insist they pay for it !!