Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

Gudgyx - you sound like awesome friends but it seems such a lot of effort. What happens if MOH/BM has other stuff going on and just isn't able to devote all this time to pre-planning ?

It's also kind of sad that OP is disappointed that her DM is accompanying her on these outings. Surely it must be a wonderful experience for them both and her DM is probably one of the few people with the same level of interest and investment in the wedding as the OP.

Wedding fair

Shudder

I completely sympathise - my bridesmaids and maid of honour didn't organise anything for me whatsoever, didn't seem too fussed about their dresses or anything and tbh didn't really do much for the wedding at all 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'd honestly choose someone else - it's only now I look back and wish I had chosen different people and wouldn't have been left disappointed, this is supposed to be an exciting time for you!

erm @cupcakesandglitter an exciting time for the OP yes but not everyone else! Especially years in advance...

I was recently MOH for my best friend and yes sometimes the wedding chat gets a bit much, especially as your opinion doesn’t actually matter. BUT my best friend was getting married so I showed up to most appointments, made the appropriate comments on table toppers, flowers etc and I was genuinely so excited for her!

I organised the hen about 9months in advanced as activities and people get booked up quickly.

It is hard being MOH as it’s quite a bit of pressure but, again, she was my best friend!

Plus I was (unhappily) single throughout the whole process.

Think you need a chat with her and then get a new MOH

Wedding fairs weren’t always a thing, you know. I got married 18 years ago and I don’t think they existed then. I don’t recall chief bridesmaid’s job being anything other than “turn up on the day”, help bride get ready, hold her train/flowers, help her go to the toilet in her dress etc etc

When I was engaged, it was generally your mum or sister who came with you to choose your wedding dress. I’m genuinely surprised that people think that bridesmaids go to help choose anything. Unless your mum is dead and you don’t have a sister that is. I wonder if it’s since all these tv programmes appeared like “say yes to the dress” etc.

It really was never a huge deal like the OP describes. Even organising the hen do? That is also a recent development in my opinion.

MOH are supposed to help choose table toppers and flowers??

I thought the bride and groom did that. Is there really any need to cause such a fuss and bring other people into there preparations these days? It’s the bride and groom’s day. I hate all this attention-seeking, showy nonsense. What does it matter what your MOH thinks of your table topper choice BEFORE the actual wedding? It would be enough to comment on the day, surely “oh, Best Friend, the tables look beautiful, I love the colour”

And going along to choose the band? Where was the groom on that occasion.

It’s plain odd.

Some people just don't like all the weddingy hype. I absolutely hate being a bridesmaid and yet 3 times as an adult I've had friends know this but emotionally bully me into it. Brides are all kinds of excited about their weddings but are so bloody tunnel visioned with it. And the vast majority of modern weddings cost the guests money, and not just in gifts. Hen dos seem to have morphed into hen holidays, bridesmaids often pay for their own dresses, guests pay for hotel rooms at venues that would cost them a fortune to get home from after a drink.

The last friend who coerced me into agreeing to be a bridesmaid then showed me the dress she'd chosen. It was a backless strapless blue skimpy number. I was a very top heavy J-cup size 20. She didn't see the issue and honestly thought that she had absolute authority over what I wore. And she thought I was going to pay for the bridesmaid dress from hell out of my own pocket.

FWIW OP, I'm also doing a nursing degree. A friend's wedding planning this far in advance, yes even dress shopping, would really piss me off if they expected me get excited over it despite everything else happening in my life.

@purplelila2 exactly why I said exciting time for OP....

Didn't say everyone else had to be excited (although would've thought a decent best friend would be) but she doesn't need to be upset over MoH not attending dress fittings..

I have not long finished a Midwifery degree and it was the most stressful, all consuming thing I have ever done. Your friend has just finished her nursing degree and perhaps just hasn’t had the bandwidth to get excited about your wedding yet. I bet she would equally love support from you and an opportunity to talk about her studies.

It’s all about perspective, yours, hers (and mine).
Don’t expect people to see things the same way you do, you will be disappointed (before your wedding and when you’re married)
This is supposed to be fun, lighten up and release the pressure or you’ll loose a friend and have a sad wedding thinking about the people who aren’t there, it’s only a wedding, it’s the marriage bit that’s important

You seriously need to chill out.

We decided to get married in September and started planning for June, so had just under 10 months. In that time we planned absolutely everything - we got married in a very sought after venue and had an amazing photographer and videographer, and fantastic band. They don't all get booked up as much as people claim, unless you want one specific one, which seems a bit fussy.

At the end of the day, no one will ever get as excited as you about the wedding, and considering how far away it is, I'm not surprised she is behaving as she is.

I would be upset too. We had a couple of years engagement & whilst I wouldn’t expect people to be excited for the whole duration, I would hope that someone as close as a maid of honour would show some interest! Especially at certain times, like dress shopping.

If you feel happy to bring it up with her I would say you’re feeling disappointed & ask if she wants to do this.

I don’t think a maid of honour just walks down the aisle with you- mine didn’t & when I’ve been maid of hnour before I also didn’t just do that. I went to wedding fayres, many dress shops, looked at stationary, cakes, flowers, sorted hen night etc. When we went to look at dresses we could have lunch out too & it was a special occasion. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect someone who is obviously close enough to you to be picked as maid of honour would be more excited.

I’ll add though you need to make sure you’re showing an interest in her life too & it hasn’t become a case of every time you talk it’s all about you & wedding.

Why don't you organise a hen party yourself. Maybe she doesn't want to organise something too big/ostentatious. Or maybe she doesn't have time to organise it. Make up - you are probably both just a bit stressed.

Does she have her own partner or has she gone through a break up. Could you be untentially rubbing salt in the wounds and She's feeling disinterested and resentful

Can you relieve her of these "duties" without losing a friend? Personally I went to 2 wedding fayres for 2 different people and although I was doing it for them, it was a wasted, not-cost-free day for me. Dress shopping also is boring and again I didn't choose the dress, I was just there to say how nice they looked. I'd feel pretty awkward asking people to do that more than once, in the kindest possible way, maybe she has better things to do with her time.

I don't know where people get these ideas/expectations around weddings, they seem to grow and grow.

It's just a party (+/- legal document, religious sacrament) at the start of your married life. It is mainly exciting for you and your OH. You can't expect other people to be excited about this party for 3 years!! Can't you get him to do these things?

As you're probably still reading, I'll just say I think it could be all three of main issues raised

1. who the hell knows what they're doing in three years? You might not be talking about it but she might be in another country or something. Did you have to set the role three years early too?!

2. it may only be a few dress appointments etc but it's stretching out the boring over a longer period. Ditto talking about the hen in fact, I know you're thinking "but it will only have mentioned once 18 months before" but yes, stretching it out

3. she might not have realised how dull she would find it. If you'd asked her six months ahead it would be easier to carry on if she felt she'd made an error accepting the task. Now she's got it hanging over her head.

I would offer to shut up about it completely till a few months before and then only talk about the essentials, but also say to her that even then, if she wants to pull out, she can do so. Your friendship is much more important than this event organising stuff.

I think you have quite high expectations of maid of honour/bridesmaids. I would merely expect them to turn up, sign register (if witness), walk down aisle, carry flowers, sit at top table (if there is one). Beyond that, it would be unreasonable to expect. It is a lot to expect her to go to try on dresses with you. As for hen - would you not rather organise that yourself.

You clearly think your MOH should be like Helen off the movie Bridesmaids.

^^ THIS. I really, really wanted to slap her.

Geeze remind me never to come here for advice!

What a bunch of judgy folk you all are without knowing all of the details - there is nuance to every situation and although it is good to give people constructive feedback if you think the OP is going wrong somewhere or might not've considered a different perspective, there is really no need to be mean/rude. What I've just read here is cyber-bullying - so many people so shamelessly picking on someone anonymously. If you haven't got something constructive to say, how about not saying anything at all.

When I was planning my wedding to my ex husband (I know that sounds awful but it was 15 years ago) I had 2 friends that I was really close to. I asked the one that I had been friends with longest to be MOH (other friend backed my choice) and she accepted and seemed enthusiastic. Roll on second dress fitting (it was a lovely dress and I made sure it was something that she liked) and I had exactly the same issues. In the end I just asked her outright if she still wanted to do it. It turned out that she just hated the idea of everyone looking at her as she is quite self conscious. She didn't want to do it but was worried about upsetting me. I told her not to be daft and that I didn't mind. She reverted to 'guest' other friend stepped in (luckily similar height and size) and everything was fine. We're still good friends and my daughter was her bridesmaid 6 years later.

Hullaballooooo I disagree and think the majority of answers are fine.

Also this is the nature of the forum. If you go onto other topics in mumsnet, you will get more measured opinions. If you post on AIBU you will get people being brutally honest, ok some take it too far, but really she is being unreasonable.

Your thread title says it all, really. '..not meeting my expectations - I mean, come on! She's your mate not Franck Eggelhoffer.

Denise3011

I'm actually shocked by your post - your poor friend - but hey ho you did well didn't you?