Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

Do you talk to her about non-wedding things?

Unfortunately, for some women, the wedding is more important than the marriage.

I had to re-read your post - you're getting married in July 2019 and you're getting upset with her for not organising anything yet?
Your wedding day is, doubtless, very important but you are getting a shade too close to bridezilla territory and you will lose a good friend if you carry on like this.

The replies to this thread give me joy!

I was the OP's friend 2 years ago, except in hindsight my ex-BFF was way more of a bridezilla...all she talked about for FOUR YEARS was her wedding. For the first three I happily chatted away about it, but then in the year prior to said wedding-of-the-century I'd had a shocking time emotionally: parent dead, horrendous life changing birth injuries, family in complete turmoil. So needless to say I didn't have the headspace for her wedding. She'd also said to me two months after my father died that "things are always about me" when I was upset that she hadn't been in touch with me when I was grieving...so our relationship was irreparably damaged after that comment. (I'd like to add that things quite definitely weren't always about me!)

Anyway, four weeks before the wedding, what does she do? UNINVITES ME FROM HER WEDDING BY TEXT! I was supposed to be her bridesmaid, and I'd booked three lots of flights to it as well. Jesus, I'm angry just writing this!

OP try to have some perspective. I know it's easy to get caught up in your own wedding, but not everyone values weddings in the same way you do. I know for my own I had a 6 month engagement because I just wanted us to be married, all the other stuff really isn't that important.

'Ive had these thoughts when she said stuff, hence why I've always turned around and told her that we can't help how life falls

Well that's true but it doesn't just shut out how she feels.I totally appreciate how you may feel but maybe she just cant move on from how she feels? I know its your wedding day and you want her to come with you to try on dresses but maybe she just cant handle it and you should just leave it? - Instead of pursuing it.

I don't think all maids of honour go to all the dress fittings, talk about the wedding endlessly etc. Mine was my sister, and I think all she did (and all I expected her to do) was organise and cook a meal for my (very simple) hen night. Don't think she came to any dress fittings/tryings, certainly no more than 1. Another friend came to another one with me. Otherwise alone. All the other planning I did alone or with DH.

I give the flounce 6/10. Good effort, but lacks the drama to take top marks.

The only obligations that a maid of honour has is on the wedding day itself. The rest is up to you.
Don’t get me started on ridiculous over hyped nonsense hen dos organises a year in advance.

Just in case you do decide to keep an eye on the thread, OP; I noticed you mentioned you’re currently not talking to MOH due to her saying you ignored her. You deny this.
Given your wedding excitement, perhaps you have overlooked her contacting you, maybe you havent asked how life is for her at thr moment?
if you really value her friendship, make contact, offer her an apology and emphasise how important her friendship is to you and you just want whatever she feels comfortable with with regards wedding etc; take the pressure off her. A good friendship quite often outlasts alot of marriages btw.
And take up the offers of those who would like to accompany you for wedding dress shopping.

I brought my dress alone! Never occurred to me to invite anyone to attend the fittings or anything else.

I just happened to stop by a dress shop and well tried a few on!

Why does this need to be a thing?

Perhaps there's a gap in the market for being able to hire a professional MoH?

GreenTulips

Why does this need to be a thing? Because some people are narcissists.

Having just gone through a my own (very low key) wedding (weddings bore me stiff. Even my own. Though I am excited about the marriage! DH is fab) believe me - no-one cares much about your wedding.

Sometimes even the bride fails to get too enthusiastic about what is, after all, just one day.

I think the 3 year engagement may have something to do with it too. It is a long time to have to be excited about what is (again) just one day in someone's life.

After all, getting married isn't even an achievement like a job promotion or a house purchase etc. (I definitely expect my friends to get a bit excited over these).

Planned my own wedding over 6 months. Any longer than that I would have bored myself shitless never mind anyone else.
It's astonishingly tedious hearing about the minute details of other people's weddings.

A wedding is just one day, I think unless it's yours it means less to others however much they like you. Personally women who turn into bridezilla bore me rigid, maybe she feels the same .

It’s like me being angry that my 10 year old isn’t serious about GCSEs.
When the time comes they will probably rise to the occasion but it just isn’t on the radar at the moment.

If someone tells you they are 2 mths pregnant you don’t say they are shockingly disorganised because the nursery isn’t ready, do you?

She’s got a year. Chill out.

You are being a nightmare. Controlling, demanding, critical.

Try some self reflection.

Congratulations and good luck. Weddings do seem to bring out the worst in ones friends and relatives, just goes to show how selfish most of us are when it comes down to it - but you are forming an amazing new bond with your husband to be and all will be well with the world. Share the planning with your him and your mUm and they will be truly on board, let your friend come to you if she wants to.

Jesus Lord alive.

If someone kept mithering me and sending links and emails about details for a hen do 14 months away whilst I was getting ready for my finals I'd fucking well block them.

OMG - you can't expect anyone, not even your best friend, to be excited about your wedding for 3+ YEARS!

Perhaps she's got, you know, a life, with stuff going on that's not about you and your wedding (which is over a whole YEAR away)?

WTF

That Poor girl, you know a hen is almost impossible to organise this far ahead of time. NO ONE will be able To commit to a venue/ budget / or even a date this far outZ you’re being ridiculous. They’ll think you’re mad trying to organise it now. I’ve been a MOH a couple of times and it’s hard bloody work, Not necessarily a privilege actually. The most important thing is that she’s here on the day/s before and the big day. She’s going to looking after you, fetching and carrying, helping your dress, carrying your ‘stuff’, your loopy, spare shoes etc. Helping you go to the flipping loo depending on the dress, making a speech maybe, smoothing things out. You need to take a chill pill. No one cares about your wedding this far out except you and the lucky man...

Just how much planning does a wedding need?

Dress
Venue
Food
Drink
Music
Photographer
Flowers
Evening do
Invitations

You don't need matching chair covers, wedding favours, themed stuff and other fripperies
You don't need an expensive hen do that is over an entire weekend

OH asked me to marry him in the September, and we got married the following July - nine months later. I don't remember it being such a big deal to organise.

Downside of a long engagement OP. No one gets excited about a wedding more than a year away apart from bride and maybe the mother. As others have said organising this far in advance could be an issue with getting annual leave so maybe give her a break.

I'm a student nurse and I just about have time to wash my arse.

I was at the same placement as a final year mental health student nurse last week and we literally cried on each others shoulders; because of the stress of writing assignment's, worrying about patients plus attempting to navigate the bureaucracy the NHS.

Training to be a nurse is so so hard and overshelming. If your friend is due to graduate this summer please be patient. She will be looking forward to sipping champagne, twirling around in dresses and planning your hen party with you after she's handed in her dissertation.

Bridezilla alert