Maid of honour not fulfilling expectation

[Kocerhan3]

LONG POST SORRYSo I'm getting married July 2019, the dates been set for nearly a year, venue booked since September, I've been engaged since 2016. My chosen maid of honour was a no brainier, a best friend for over 10 years. However I'm at a total loss with her recently.

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend. Anyway. We moved on. But she didn't make an effort to come to any of them. Even though every time I made sure she would be able to make it, checking with her etc.

She's never discussed hen do plans, in fact, sorry she has - when I bought it up, casually, she's complained about how difficult it seems. So I re assured her, told her what I wanted (not a lot) and even sent her links online and who to contact etc and she said that was great. But she hasn't spoken about it since and I honestly think she hasn't thought twice. It's frustrating because she should be excited and sorting things as most of my other close friends would be? It just seems like she's not bothered.

We're currently not talking (first time in 10 years) because she snapped at me for ignoring her (go figure because she didn't message or anything so unsure what I ignored) and no matter how much I tried to reason with her, she was short and rude and I just gave up. Neither of us have approached each other yet.

I feel desperately upset that a woman I thought of as my sister just doesn't seem to give a sh.t about me, the wedding or our friendship any more. I want a sidekick, I want a friend to giggle over silly ideas with, someone to shut down bad ideas, to drink champagne with and go to wedding fairs with. So far I've done all this with my mum who's an absolute star but I can't help feel a huge void, and she should've been the one to fill it. I can't tell her this because it's not her "duty", like, I can't force her of course. But I just hoped this would be different. Help?

You want her to be excited, at attention, and fully available to you for THREE years.

You're being very unreasonable OP. (We need an acronym for that )

Oh this thread is giving me flashbacks. “On this, my special day” flashbacks. Shudder.
If I ever get asked to be bridesmaid again I will have to leave the country and change my name. Maybe have extreme, appearance altering surgery.

I think she should be at least able to communicate any issues to you if you’ve been friends that long. If she’s not enjoying being MOH she should say. I’d be hurt and upset if mine hadn’t turned up to dress shopping. I could tell mine got a bit bored by the end of the dressing shopping day but she sucked it up and was still positive. She also humours me when I called her crying in late night calls about if my flowers would look ok and various other insane issues I had in my wedding fever. She did tell me after the wedding I was bat shit crazy in the run up and she was right! But I so appreciated the support. Everyone should be have a rock of a MOH.

My gran married 80 years ago

Booked the registry office
Dusted off her best dress
Took flowers
Back to parents for a lunch of sandwiches and cake
Went to Cornwall on the train for a week.

No dress shopping
No fittings
No new shoes or head dresses
Groom brought the rings

None of it's necessary it's just 'I want' 'My day' etc

Jesus go to a shop and buy a dress. Most people can manage this alone!! Or take your mum. MOH doesn't mean she has to dress shop or ringfor updates or check out anything else .....

Plan your own gen do - ring people ask opinion - book a table and pay for a few bottles.

No big deal

I hate weddings. This reminds me why. I find them boring and often showy. What wrong with a quick service with good friends and a nice meal and less hassle and expense.

She's not meeting your "expectations". You wanted a "sidekick". Maybe there are things going on in her life and she can't prioritise your wedding? Talk to her. Not about the wedding.

Bet you the op is still reading and will whine to MNHQ about “privacy reasons” and get the thread pulled

you are overplanning something that will eventually likely disappoint you. A Year to plan a wedding is too much.
Your friend is busy with real life. She will still love you but probably doesn’t care about another white dress.
It isn’t necessarily you, but the whole fuss some people make these days spending the deposit for a house on a wedding. It gets tedious.

I can kind of see both sides here depending on the circumstances.

I got engaged two years ago and booked the venue and got the dress pretty much instantly. My mum and young sister came with me; I knew any of my friends were working or busy with children. Just sent them a photo afterwards instead.

The reason I had to do it so far in advance though is that I currently live an 8 hour flight from the UK so I’m rarely back in the country and didn’t want any time I was to be wedding heavy.

Since then I did very little; I was almost embarrassed when people questioned the wedding plans as I just hadn’t done them 🙈

My lovely friend has organised my hen do (her choice I didn’t ask/expect) and my only requirements were nothing too wild or expensive and nothing embarrassing (if I go to one more hen do where I’m expected to do pole dancing lessons...!) but it had to be organised / date chosen a year in advance to book my flights back into England and annual leave.

Now with 10 weeks to go I’m finally starting to feel excited and wanting to organize things, before now it’s just felt like a chore. Obviously I’ve done bits in that time but done them online and withDH2B for discussions as it’s our wedding; not mine and my bridesmaids!

I assume if things have to be planned so far in advance it’s because you have extreme reasons like I do. Try to lower your expectations a little and enjoy the planning with your other half.

@Kocerhan3 I got married last July and was planning and organised it for 17 months.
We didn't plan my hen do until 4 months before it was happening and my MoH organised it all, with the girls who were coming and just told me where I needed to be and when.
When it came to wedding fairs, I went to 3, with my DH. My MoH had enough going on in her life that I didn't expect her to come with me, but I invited her along in case she wanted to. If other friends are asking to go with you, why would you exclude them and decline their offer to then expect you MoH to come. A better approach would be to say "X and I are going to the wedding fair on Saturday, if you'd like to come with us?" Offer is there, but no expectation.

No one is excited about wedding planning except for the bride and/or groom. Friend and family may ask to be polite, but all they want to do is come join you on the day and have fun celebrating your wedding.
Putting expectations onto someone so early on will always be a recipe for disaster

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
I was SO excited to be bridesmaid for my BF wedding. Helped with loads of stuff.
I guess if she’s not into that sort of thing then that’s why she’s being a downer, but I’m sure you’d know her well after 10 years and due to your surprise she obviously isn’t acting her normal self.
I’m not even having any bridesmaids, also had to delay my wedding for a year and my sister and BF want to come to everything and even had to reorganise a fully planned hen do.
Personally I would talk to her and just ask her if she really wants to be involved, not in an arsey way, just in a need to know way :)
Then you both know where you stand but I wouldn’t fall out over it. Great friends are so important in life.

I think you are getting an unfairly hard time here. Sounds like you might have gotten a little overexcited but that's hardly a crime.

Your bf might just have other things on her mind with studies or not be that into weddings. Go have a giggle with the friends who have offered to go and have a chat with her at some point. Hope you have a lovely wedding & marriage

Last year I was dress searching, planned all of them way in advance and with her and she knew how much I wanted her there, sentimentally. She forgot the first time. Big deal in itself, it's my first time trying on a wedding dress? It's a huge deal to me sentimentally and I would've thought to my best friend

Christ, am I glad I'm male and therefore immune from this shite. I honestly cannot imagine anything more boring than watching someone else try on clothes.

Actually, check that, I can. Attending wedding fairs, especially for someone else's wedding.

I am so glad I got to 48 and no one has ever asked me to be their maid of honour. I had one bridesmaid. We picked her dress and shoes and she showed up on the day, helped me out the car and held my bouquet at the altar. She then got a present. Job done. I'd have been mortified at asking her to do anything else.

You clearly think your MOH should be like Helen off the movie Bridesmaids.

Badlad, sometimes I wish I was male so I too could be immune from this shite.

I'm female and have nevertheless refused to subject myself to this shite after the age of 16.
It's really not compulsory.

OP, I'm on your side here. I don't understand when people on here say 'your wedding isn't a big deal to anyone but you' etc.

My best friend gets married next year, and I am absolutely so excited. I'm bridesmaid, not MOH, but still have been to every dress trying on (5 of them), wedding fair, to see the venue set up, see the band play etc. We speak a lot, and I always ask her how she's getting on with the planning, what she needs help with etc. tagging her in things I think she'd like, shoes that would go with the dress she picked, silly wedding memes, all that kind of thing.

We started saving for her hen weekend the month the wedding was booked. She'll decide where she wants to go, but we'll sort everything else. And it will be everything everyone on here hates, weekend abroad for whoever wants to come, a night at home afterwards. The MOH, other bridesmaids and I have a group chat where we discuss ideas etc.

People are just different! Maybe your friend thinks like the PP on this thread, what you need is a MOH who thinks like my friends and I.

Speak to her, you've been friends forever, you know her. Get back on the same page and take it from there.

I've been a bridesmaid 9 times as an adult over 18. Not been to one wedding fair, and not organised a hen do either. The brides decided where they wanted to go for their night out and let everybody know. This was before hen dos turned into a neverending expensive circus that they are now.

Without meaning to be rude, her life probably does not revolve around your wedding, especially over a year in advance.

Hang on, OP: you expect your friend to maintain an active interest in your wedding for over two years, but you checked out of your own thread after less than two hours...

I think DancingMonkey had it about 2000 posts ago: It's too far away to be getting Bridezilla on her arse. If I were MOH I'd be getting that printed on a T-shirt.

My maid of honour was going through the shittiest of divorces when I got engaged! Her hubby had an affair when she was pregnant and continued it when they had a very ill newborn in hospital. But you know what my MoH did?! She came to dress fittings, she not only attended but organised wedding fair visits! She planned not one but two amazing hen dos! Because that’s what best friends do!
She needs to either step up or step aside!
But because you’ve been friends for 10 years ask yourself what’s really going on? Could she be jealous? Is she single? No house? Dont give up on her but also don’t let her ruin it for you. Xx

The thing that strikes me is the lack of mention of the OP’s fiancé in terms of wedding planning. Surely if there’s one person who should be as excited and as involved as the bride in planning and organising the wedding it should be him?! With the exception of wedding dress shopping if you’re being traditional I guess.

So my advice would be chill out (wedding is still a whole year away!), have some meet ups with your MOH friend where you don’t mention your wedding at all (and start involving your partner more in planning his wedding and marriage)

If she's generally a good and loving friend, then it really doesn't matter. It's just a wedding. The marriage is what matters. She's not interested in it because really, it's just a huge party in which you are princess for a day. That's fun, and lovely, but I can't see too much interest in that for anyone else, really. Bonus if they do care and are interested, but honestly, I'd sign up to some wedding websites and befriend other brides as excited and interested as you are.

If she's like this over traumas or huge achievements, then I'd think she was a poor friend. But it's just a wedding. Lovely, happy and special, but not terribly interesting to anyone else, and you don't need support for it. Most people get married, and most weddings are fairly similar when it boils down to it.

Denise that's not "what best friends do", that's what your best friend did. The problem is having "expectations" as the OP phrases it, about what she ought to be doing. Which she clearly doesn't want to. For years.