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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shake my “unschooling” “friend”

226 replies

MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 13:32

She seems to think that because my kids are in awful, awful (ofsted outstanding and they’re both very happy) mainstream school they miss out on SO much.

And takes any chance she can to make sure I know how very very happy she is having all these “precious adventures” every day.

Most days they just watch TV/iPad and then once a month go to a museum or theme park.

Her oldest (5) can’t read or write yet, can’t play nice with other kids, can’t sit still for 2 seconds.

Guess what. Mine go to museums and theme parks and beaches too. I’m not bloody neglecting them.

Urgh. Sorry. Rant over.

OP posts:
NoodleKT · 10/05/2018 13:33

YANBU, shake away :D

SusanDelfino · 10/05/2018 13:35

I think many kids at 5 can't read and write. Majority of the world don't even have them in school by that age. Live and let live I say.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/05/2018 13:35

I would keep a distance from her if I were you, this would get my back up. My ds 6 can't read very well or write yet, they are still very young and learning those skills, though he does have sn and is having help at school.

AjasLipstick · 10/05/2018 13:36

You sure she's your friend? You sound like you hate her.

The80sweregreat · 10/05/2018 13:37

I take it she home eds? she isnt doing it very well if they are not actually learning much though.
I can see why people do it to be honest, but i know i couldnt have done it with my two. Just nod and smile maybe?
or unfriend. You are doing whats right for your children. thats all that matters really - i hate people that push their own agenda on to you.

x2boys · 10/05/2018 13:37

just tell her your happy with your choices and let her be happy with hers my friend partly home schools she said its not uncommon amongst the home schoolers she knows for children not to read and write untill 8 or 9( I'm only going off what my friend tells me as and the people she knows )

NameChangedForThisQ · 10/05/2018 13:39

She's judging you, you're judging her. Sounds like a wonderful 'friendship'. If you're only judging her in response to her judging you, set proper boundaries and let her know when she's being offensive.

RubiaPTA · 10/05/2018 13:39

Why are you friends?

The80sweregreat · 10/05/2018 13:41

What will happen when they have to go to secondary school or is she able to teach all the way through to adult hood? i have often wondered about that - will they do GCSE's for example? i know its a long way off but the years do roll round really fast when you have children.
Must be nice not having the school telling you what to do and when to do it all the time, but thats the only advantage i could have thought of when mine were small.

taratill · 10/05/2018 13:41

She's sounds as though she is desperately trying to justify her choice to home ed. Not reading or writing by age 5 is nothing to be alarmed about though (common in scandanavia for example).

I am now home edding (not through choice) SN son can't cope at school and I do feel as though I am judged for this. When you break down the amount of time actually spent working in a school day it is no where as much as you would think - and that goes for my year 7 boy so it is much less when they are that young.

gluteustothemaximus · 10/05/2018 13:42

I home school. DD learnt to read age 6. She's 7 and now devours any book she can lay her hands on. Not that it matters.

If she's actually saying these things (that your kids are disadvantaged) and she keeps going on about how happy she is (in a rub in your face kinda way) then she doesn't sound like a friend.

Your kids are happy in school. Her kids are happy out of school. Isn't that all that matters?

I'd rethink the friendship though. It sounds like you don't like her, or her children.

MightyMucks · 10/05/2018 13:43

YANBU. I have a friend like this. Her 7yo is illiterate, can’t read or write or count to ten (or 5 tbh) and doesn’t know the alphabet. She just keeps saying in Scandinavia they don’t start formal school until then. But they all go to public kindergarten before then and learn the basics before they start!

I know there are some wonderful home schoolers, but it’s become fashionable and some people are doing it who have only half understood the theories behind it and are shortchanging their kids as a result.

I know previous cohorts of homeschooled children have had amazing results, but I suspect the most recent age groups starting it are not going to be so stellar as so many people are adopting it as a fad they haven’t thought through.

taratill · 10/05/2018 13:44

@The80sweregreat

re. secondary, I'm in this predicament with my clever autistic child who can't cope with school. There are lots of options - IGCSE's you can follow the curriculum or go off piste a bit if you want. There are loads of options.

I also had no idea. Until I was forced into it.

My son is much better out of school and is learning more than he was there due to the environment being unsuitable.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 10/05/2018 13:45

its not uncommon amongst the home schoolers she knows for children not to read and write untill 8 or 9

This is not untrue- partially because children with additional needs are overpresented amongst home-educated children, but also partially because parents who are shite at teaching excuse themselves with statistics like this.

x2boys · 10/05/2018 13:45

I wouldnt call a seven year old illiterate it took ds1 years to learn to read properly (mild learning difficulties) but he can read now at 11!

DiddimusStench · 10/05/2018 13:45

Im having a very similar issue with a ‘friend’. Actually almost exactly the same situation and it’s now got to the point where I don’t want to talk to her about my child and I don’t want my child to be around hers because they are completely feral.

I have no issues with home-ed and I actually come across plenty of home educated children in the field I work in. If it were the right fit for us, I’d consider it myself but she’s gone so far down the rabbit hole, it’s almost a neglect situation going on and I am SO FUCKING BORED of being preached to when her children are horrid and mine is mostly well behaved around other people and able to be in social situations. Her eldest is 9 and he can’t read or wrote properly yet but apparently school is awful and my poor daughter.... Hmm

Anyway, no advice but I hear you! I’ve already decided there is no friendship going forward.

mavismcruet · 10/05/2018 13:45

You both need to agree to support each other’s choices without judgement. Or you need to walk away from the friendship. This criticism from both sides isn’t healthy or productive.

x2boys · 10/05/2018 13:47

which if you had quoted my full comment Jamie I specifically said I was talking about the home schoolers my friend knows and her experiences of home schooling Hmm

gluteustothemaximus · 10/05/2018 13:47

Her 7yo is illiterate, can’t read or write or count to ten (or 5 tbh) and doesn’t know the alphabet.

I'm all for home schooling, and you can't put them in boxes the way you have to at school (like, you must be able to read this by this age, or count this by that age).

BUT, my very slow speaking 2 year old sings the alphabet. Granted he misses out some, but he's got the gist of it. He can also count to 5. He's not a genius in any way. But not being able to do that at 7 would worry me.

x2boys · 10/05/2018 13:48

ah sorry Jamie I read it wrong I thought you said it wasent true apologies Blush

The80sweregreat · 10/05/2018 13:48

taratill, i can see why your doing this for your own child and fair play to you. its sad there isnt enough help for children with SEN.
as i said before, i can see its appeal to be honest, schools are so strict with their rules and term times and the can and can't do mentality ( i work as a minion in a school and had two go through the state system years ago myself and used to get a bit bogged down in it all, as we all do) but its sad if its becoming a 'thing' in order to be trendy rather than for the good of the child involved?

ALittleBitofVitriol · 10/05/2018 13:49

Sounds like the zeal of the newly converted, with a sprinkle of insecurity about doing something unusual. Time usually fixes it.

I've homeschooled for 8 years. My oldest learned to read at 4. I've eaten my fair share of humble pie in that time!

MummyMuppet2x2 · 10/05/2018 13:50

She's probably received some negativity of sorts from other people/parents/relatives and is looking to you, her friend, to give her the affirmation she craves. She's going about it all wrong by criticising your choices though.

When she next gets up on her soapbox try to shut the line of conversation down. Tell her it's horses for courses, and then immediately change the topic to something which interests you both, or to something you both agree about. Repeat if she makes another overture on the same topic.

She'll get the message eventually. And hopefully you won't have to lose her friendship.

AjasLipstick · 10/05/2018 13:51

X2Boys Exactly! It took one of my DD's till' she was 9 before she could read fluently....she'd had eyesight issues and it took longer than others.

I find it HIGHLY offensive the way some people scorn a child who reads later than others.

Children with and without learning difficulties can take longer at times.

DiddimusStench · 10/05/2018 13:52

Agree with PP that in my situation at least, it’s just faddy bullshit that makes her/her family feel ‘special’. Before homeschooling it was other fads based on ‘studies’. I wouldn’t care so much if she didn’t preach so much, it’s almost like she’s joined a cult.

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