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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shake my “unschooling” “friend”

226 replies

MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 13:32

She seems to think that because my kids are in awful, awful (ofsted outstanding and they’re both very happy) mainstream school they miss out on SO much.

And takes any chance she can to make sure I know how very very happy she is having all these “precious adventures” every day.

Most days they just watch TV/iPad and then once a month go to a museum or theme park.

Her oldest (5) can’t read or write yet, can’t play nice with other kids, can’t sit still for 2 seconds.

Guess what. Mine go to museums and theme parks and beaches too. I’m not bloody neglecting them.

Urgh. Sorry. Rant over.

OP posts:
Tomorrowillbeachicken · 10/05/2018 15:53

My Sen son who is six can’t sit still for that long. He also can’t write very well. If you want to shake me you can but I’m likely to do something in return

Loandbeholdagain · 10/05/2018 15:53

She sounds a pain in the backside. I’m home educating. I’m also a teacher. I know you OP and others have been balanced .... but just for the record

  1. my children are fully vaccinated
  2. they are learning to read (EYFS still)
  3. I have no desire to have any resemblance to Donald Trump Grin
DiddimusStench · 10/05/2018 15:59

I’d also like to read the twiggy-shit thread. A big part of my job is reliant on twiggy-shit but I truly despair sometimes.

Isleepinahedgefund · 10/05/2018 16:02

There are so many “unschoolers” where I live and frankly they give the home educating community a bad name. They are the most vocal about it yet are giving their children the lest education. I know a couple of people who really are home educating their children and their children really are getting a good education.

I find it ironic that the unschoolers are often highly educated themselves, yet deny the same to their children.

Gingerninj · 10/05/2018 16:02

Ive seen some videos on "unschooling" seems like the children play all day and the parents belive they'll magically learn all they need to know for the future. Well school doesn't teach everyone but they atleast need to learn how to write, reach and do basic maths to make the future a bit easier. What happens when they want a decent job one day? Yes there's so many faults in the education system but its no where as near as bad as this women seems to believe. I think she's setting them up fail honestly

Gingerninj · 10/05/2018 16:03

*setting them up to fail

DrEustaciaBenson · 10/05/2018 16:03

I would also say reading not everything there is to do with education and intelligence, they could have a vast vocab and knowledge base.

How do you acquire a vast vocab and knowledge base without reading?

Gingerninj · 10/05/2018 16:04

School doesn't teach everything i meant. God reading that you wouldn't think I went to school 😂

Jux · 10/05/2018 16:14

We have, or had, a fantastic home schooling centre not far from us, where they had meet ups, which helped them to share tutors, organised group activities and all sorts (it may still be there and even better, but my very shortlived experience of it was about 10years ago).

The children were all bright, fun, confident and pretty well educated. The ones I knew well were well-mannered and charming, did well at GCSE, and went to 6th form college for A level, have gone on to Uni and are do8ng very well.

I do think that, as it's become more common, there will be more families involved who are not taking it seriously or who are just feckless. It was bound to happen.

That doesn't mean that it's not a good choice, that depends on the family and the child. Some may wish to HE but not be able to do it (I think dd would have been happier in HE but we/I needed more help than was available at the time to facilitate it).

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 10/05/2018 16:19

I'm friends (although have distanced myself hugely once I realised what the 'homeschooling' was about) with a lady who on the surface is lovely but actually is very strict, angry and punishing of her children, has an extremely controlling husband who doesn't allow the children to attend school. All they do all day is run errands for him, do the housework and the eldest takes care of the youngest (they have four). There has been no education for them for over four years. The 10 year old cant read or write at all and the 13 year old (eldest) has very basic letter sounds. I've recently reported them to SS which actually took me a lot to pluck the courage up.

ClaryFray · 10/05/2018 16:22

You both sound as bad as each other. Lots of kids can't read at 5!

elderflowerandrose · 10/05/2018 16:27

I would imagine you are only annoyed with someone else's choice of schooling if you are not fully happy or content with your own decisions, and vice versa. Perhaps your friend feels you are the judgemental one and feels the new to justify her school or non school choice.

If you are a friend you will do everything you can to support her decision and get behind her. Quite sneering just make you sound like a rubbish friend on here.

elderflowerandrose · 10/05/2018 16:27

new - need

Original poster
MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 16:28

It is making me a bad person, I can feel that now. Just feel judged and defensive, it's hard feeling as though your parenting choices are being judged.

But I've never once insulted her decision to unschool, even though we get bombard with anti-school crap.

Just need to distance. Which is a shame as it's quite a big group, but I've put the chat on mute and don't participate in it anymore. Have said I'm taking a break from WhatsApp as have a holiday coming up anyway.

OP posts:
isbossbabyfiredornot · 10/05/2018 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FissionChips · 10/05/2018 16:39

How do you acquire a vast vocab and knowledge base without reading?

Talking , listening. Wasn’t Socrates illiterate?

You’re friend sounds a pain, just tell her to be quiet .

Vulgarlady · 10/05/2018 16:51

The thing that always puzzles me about HE is...isn’t it a bit claustrophobic? The thought of being with my kids all day, every day would have sent me potty. I’m sure my children would feel the same too. School is brilliant for making friends without the gaze of your family.

Mrsfillyjonk8 · 10/05/2018 16:51

I was home schooled, it was awful. In the end I just asked to go to school, which was a lot better. Honestly I just feel really sad when I hear about people home schooling their kids. I know not everyones experience will be the same but unless there are SEN considerations it's generally a decision that has nothing to do with the child and everything to do with the parents needs to live a 'alternative" lifestyle and when it goes wrong it's the child that suffers. It's massively irresponsible to promote home education in my opinion.

Yarnswift · 10/05/2018 16:58

Interesting your friend references Swedish kindergartens. She’s knows home schooling is illegal in Sweden right? Absolutely forbidden and frowned on.

My opinion of it is that it can work, it can be beneficial for some kids. But that overall I agree with Sweden on this one. The reason it’s illegal here is that the rights of the child are paramount. The thinking is that For every few families doing it right there’s one using it as a cover for abuse, neglect or religious/cult type indoctrination.

Think about those poor Turpin kids in America - that wouldnt have happened if they had to go to school.

I don’t doubt there are families out there doing a great job with Home Ed. The problem is how you inspect and police it to keep kids safe. I certainly also would t feel confident being my children’s sole educator and I’m an intelligent and well educated/well rounded person.

Original poster
MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 17:04

Unrelated to this family as I am sure there’s no abuse happening.

But I am often surprised that no one checks up on my home ed friends. (Other than the one with SEN as they eat support from SS)

You’d think that at least once a year someone would just come to the home to check learning/care is happening.

My HE friends are all good people. But it scares me that you can keep a child totally under the radar.

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 10/05/2018 17:08

Well, given the majority of abuse slides past teachers, social workers etc home ed is quite rightly not a safeguarding concern in itself.

loopylass13 · 10/05/2018 17:16

DrEustaciaBenson
I said: "I would also say reading not everything there is to do with education and intelligence, they could have a vast vocab and knowledge base".

You asked: "How do you acquire a vast vocab and knowledge base without reading?"

I don't have the perfect answer but from experience: this happens by being read to, by communicating, by interacting with the world and taking an interest. Be being involved in discussions and debates. By having parents/family that are intelligent, worldly and articulate; who also make an effort to impart that wisdom on you. By having friends! By having the freedom to explore your passions, whatever they may be. Not to mention by the technological advances (internet, even gaming too). Then there is the library, being read to but also activities. Sports, clubs, museums, plays, travels. I tend to think that children can never NOT learn.

Books are a great gateway for opening up the whole world, i think it is important to have exposure to them INDEED but that it is okay if you are not the one physically reading them.

Racecardriver · 10/05/2018 17:18

How irritating. It would be tolerable if she actually did take them out /teach them stuff but as it is I would just stop talking to her. How irksome.

BrownTurkey · 10/05/2018 17:34

If she’s sending you links and stuff, could you just divert them straight to junk (or unfollow her if on social media). Its just spam, you don’t need to give it headspace.

FranticallyPeaceful · 10/05/2018 17:35

Let’s be clear -this is NOT Home education. Let’s not get confused!

I know a lot of Home educated people - now adults - who are incredibly happy and loved their childhoods due to the freedom it brought ALONGSIDE learning. Your “friend” doesn’t need to ‘unschool’ in order to give them the freedom she quite clearly is trying to give but failing elsewhere.

My kids are home educated. They attend groups, we have tutors for 4 subjects and I cover the rest, plus they also have self-led time for research on projects, crafting/art etc, also have websites we pay for during days where we are short on time (like we have a doctors appointment or something, so they’ll do it in the car) .

“Unschooling” is a way of allowing the child to learn via living, so taking them to museums, out and about to different places, showering them in books, library’s, information, communicating with people and exposing them to as much as possible and allowing them to learn - it doesn’t mean leaving them to an iPad every day and going and doing whatever you want.