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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to shake my “unschooling” “friend”

226 replies

MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 13:32

She seems to think that because my kids are in awful, awful (ofsted outstanding and they’re both very happy) mainstream school they miss out on SO much.

And takes any chance she can to make sure I know how very very happy she is having all these “precious adventures” every day.

Most days they just watch TV/iPad and then once a month go to a museum or theme park.

Her oldest (5) can’t read or write yet, can’t play nice with other kids, can’t sit still for 2 seconds.

Guess what. Mine go to museums and theme parks and beaches too. I’m not bloody neglecting them.

Urgh. Sorry. Rant over.

OP posts:
JamieVardysHavingAParty · 10/05/2018 13:52

x2boys- hah! Sadly it's all too true.

I was home-educated myself, but I could read long before nine. In the absence of special needs, any child who can't read by nine is being severely short-changed.

I don't know how these parents can look themselves in the mirror.

Original poster
MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 13:57

My anger to post after being sent yet another link about why school is SO awful got on my last nerve. So it is more harsh than needed. I also realise not reading/writing at 5 isn't a big deal, just it gets my back up when she's feeling sorry for my kids, yet they're so far advanced than hers in a lot of ways, so clearly they're not being held back by school.

She's a nice lady and we get on well. NCT group so there's lots of us in a chat and we have meet ups etc.

I'm all for home school, have 2 other friends who do it, but they seem to understand that I didn't choose mainstream school because I had no option, I chose it because I knew it would be better for my girls.

It's just the patronisation drives me craaaaazy. I think I do need to distance myself. She is completely unable to see something from someone else's point of view. And I don't think her kids are going to benefit from her method of "schooling" - if they don't have an interest in something then they don't have to have anything to do with it.

OP posts:
Motherofallbeasts · 10/05/2018 13:57

I work with children who have reached age 12 plus and can't read - it used to be a majority with severe dyslexia and other neural processing disorder and a minority that had suffered profound neglect/abuse.

Over the last 5-6 years it's shifted and I get a LOT of home schooled kids (who are often thrown into the secondary system abruptly at 11) who are incredibly upset and frustrated with their lives.

At the point of contact the parents all say the same thing
"s/he is incredibly bright' they call schools 'prisons' or 'brain washing' and attempt to speak over their child/belittle their opinions and talk about them as if they aren't there. I have come to the conclusion that it is an educational variety of munchausen syndrome by proxy.

It is very sad and selfish of the parents.

Motherofallbeasts · 10/05/2018 13:59

PS a phrase I use is:

"You know that my 2 children are in school, so you know I disagree with you, can you just drop it now."

DiddimusStench · 10/05/2018 14:01

they call schools 'prisons' or 'brain washing' and attempt to speak over their child/belittle their opinions and talk about them as if they aren't there. I have come to the conclusion that it is an educational variety of munchausen syndrome by proxy.

That’s super scary and definitely food for thought. I’ve seen snippets of this with my ‘friends’ children but not with the homeschooled children I work with. Interesting.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 10/05/2018 14:02

^At the point of contact the parents all say the same thing
"s/he is incredibly bright' they call schools 'prisons' or 'brain washing' and attempt to speak over their child/belittle their opinions and talk about them as if they aren't there. I have come to the conclusion that it is an educational variety of munchausen syndrome by proxy.^

Yy

I'm not 100% against home-education whatever the scenario, but I won't pretend that all parents are doing a decent job. Sadly, I am acquainted with the type of person you describe only too well.

gluteustothemaximus · 10/05/2018 14:02

and attempt to speak over their child/belittle their opinions and talk about them as if they aren't there.

This isn't school vs home school.

These parents are just pricks.

Motherofallbeasts · 10/05/2018 14:03

I want to be absolutely 100% clear that I am talking about a vocal sub group of homeschooling parents - not the sane rational majority doing a great job.

gluteustothemaximus · 10/05/2018 14:05

I want to be absolutely 100% clear that I am talking about a vocal sub group of homeschooling parents - not the sane rational majority doing a great job.

Thank god, as they sounded like massive sweeping statements Grin

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 10/05/2018 14:07

Why don't you just tell her that she is being incredibly rude and disrespectful of your choices? I don't see the value in preserving friendships, which are not really friendships, but one person contiuously being an arse to the other person.

The80sweregreat · 10/05/2018 14:07

Its just another thing that might grow then, so you will have the 'home schoolers v the ones that send their children to school ' ones. as if life isnt hard enough at times without another thing to feel guilty about.
I suppose you can avoid the home schoolers as they wont be on the school run. I'm making light , but its a worry when things start to become a trend, adds to the pressure that your not doing the right thing as a parent.

FetchezLaVache · 10/05/2018 14:09

My neighbours HE and I am so grateful that they:

  1. respect my choices and don't evangelise;

  2. call it home educating, not 'unschooling'. I mean, WTF??

Original poster
MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 14:09

"s/he is incredibly bright' they call schools 'prisons' or 'brain washing'

OMG, it's like you've met my friend.

I've never heard her kids say it, but she's constantly saying (even on her blog) about how her kids are soooo glad they don't have to go to school, and never want to be imprisoned like that and "why do other kids not get all day at home with their mummies like we do, Mummy? That's sad"

I've even said to my husband before she's brainwashing them into hating school even though they've never been. Apparently they both cried not wanting to go to forest school because it had the word "school" in it.

OP posts:
Nuffaluff · 10/05/2018 14:11

I hear you. I have that kind of friend. I rarely see her anymore and it’s a relief.
She used to be a teacher, like me. Now she thinks schools are evil places and believes in unschooling like it’s a religion.
She’s always saying how terrible school is and says similar things about completely normal parenting choices. To my face. When I send my kids to school. And I work in one.
I would never dream of criticising her and her choices to her face like that.
I never even say what I really think. That I do a bloody good job and, with the kids I work with, some of them really need me in their life.
So yanbu.

PlumsGalore · 10/05/2018 14:11

Hi Friend,

If, when our children reach 21, yours have turned out outstandingly more successful and nicer and better adjusted people than mine, I will at that stage admit you were right, but in the meantime FFS shut up about home schooling.

Original poster
MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 14:13

*My neighbours HE and I am so grateful that they:

  1. respect my choices and don't evangelise;

  2. call it home educating, not 'unschooling'. I mean, WTF??*

Yup - my two normal HE friends actively ask to see my daughters' work etc to check they're similar levels etc and we all talk so normally about it. One has a son with SN and she has 100% made the right choice to HE, she now really sees the benefit more and her younger son who is NT is going to be home schooled too as she likes the freedom it gives them all, and she's great at it.

It's "unschooling" that seems to be the worrying one in my experience. Feral. And encouraged to be.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 10/05/2018 14:14

she has a blog?

I’d never have guessed Grin

BarbarianMum · 10/05/2018 14:14

This describes a lot of 5 year olds tbf

crunchymint · 10/05/2018 14:15

Unschooling is the idea that children will naturally want to learn. Some parents interpret this as give kids an ipad and TV and they will teach themselves what they need to know.
Now some children might end up teaching themselves the basics. Other kids will simply play computer games and watch children's TV. I have heard such a parent justify their son who played minecraft nearly all day, most days, as learning about spatial awareness, motor control, etc, by playing this game nearly all the time.

I do think home education should be more closely monitored. There are parents who do a great job, and others who are guilty of educational neglect, Education is too important to let these kids down.

crunchymint · 10/05/2018 14:17

5 year olds should be able to sit for more than 2 seconds, and if they can't before starting school, it is a lesson they learn by the end of the first term, unless there are other issues going on.

Original poster
MrsPreston11 · 10/05/2018 14:17

PaulHollywoodsSexGut (amazing name)

Yes, a blog, it's mainly about their "adventures" and her latest vegan recipe.......

Would you ever have guessed?

OP posts:
bellanotte22 · 10/05/2018 14:17

Another day, another bash home ed thread...

I don't know why you're still in contact with someone who clearly annoys you so much?

NathusiusPip · 10/05/2018 14:18

Fetchez 'home educating' and 'unschooling' are not synonymous; unschooling, or autonomous home ed, is a subset/type of home education. It's completely child-led, so the child always chooses what they want to learn (and don't learn what they don't want to / aren't interested in.

Home educating covers everything from unschooling/autonomous HE to hot-housing 'school at home' setups, and everything in between. Most home edders don't use the term home schooling, though; that's more of a US term, as is unschooling.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 10/05/2018 14:19

I homeschool but i will always always say what is right for one child will not be right for another , some children do better in school some dont , who is she to judge ,go on give her a shake and one for me , however we have been surprised by peoples responses to us homeschooling they seem to take offence if their child is in school , if theyre in school , happy and doing well thats brilliant equally as brilliant as my child being happy and doing well being homeschooled

Mamaryllis · 10/05/2018 14:20

I’m hugely in favour of homeschooling (and actually unschooling is v appealing). In y4 dd2 was taking John Holt books in to school as her reading books, and she loved the idea of autonomy (in her case it’s because she wants to do more than the sausage factory allows). I have a friend whose three (home schooled) kids are all now entering university. They are no different from their peers tbh - her eldest is a performing arts student who passed her first year with flying colours but failed the auditions for second year, middle kid is happily in an engineering degree, and youngest has been offered an enormous amount of scholarship money (STEM field) to enter uni at 16 as she is so gifted in the area. (She decided to travel and help out in local politics for a year instead of going immediately - but a free ride for uni is amazing).
No real difference to any schooled kids by mid teens, with a healthy dose of having to figure it out for themselves, rather than having their pathway mapped.
Mine are schooled, despite dd2’s wishes. Grin
It’s pretty early for this family to have figured it out yet. Same for you though. Life is all about decisions. The school is terrible, but you are choosing to use it. She is choosing to unschool. Everyone’s choices are valid.