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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Granny gave him first toy without me

201 replies

CheesendPickles · 09/05/2018 19:14

We are staying with my parents at the moment because my husband has been in hospital. I bought my son a toy at the weekend. He's 8 months old so it's his first real toy. I was really excited to give it to him but it needed a random type of battery that I didn't have.
Went to shops today and picked up the batteries then popped back out to the pharmacy to pick up my husbands prescription. I came back to find baby playing with the toy. I'm a bit devastated to be honest....
A few weeks ago she gave him a taste of banana when I was out.... his first taste of real food!
AIBU to feel a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 09/05/2018 22:33

What @MarklahMarklah? You mean you've not filled in your baby milestone book religiously? Or taken a picture on a muslin especially monogrammed to allow you to record every last fart, weetabix filled sneeze or tantrum. Me neither. Wink

Tinkerbell89 · 09/05/2018 22:37

I would speak to her nicely and ask her to check things with you first and explain how and why it upset you. Alternatively don't leave him in her care so things like this don't happen.

Fruitcorner123 · 09/05/2018 22:42

I totally get how you feel I am like this about firsts.You have the extra stress of your DH being ill which is bound to make you more sensitive. You need to let your mum know you were upset and ask her not to do anything with your DS if he hasn't done it before however trivial she sees it.

I have got myself into such a state about such silly things. For me it was part of PND. It's easier said than done but you will feel a lot better about things if you realise you probably wont be there for them all and it doesnt really matter. You won't get a video or photo of every reaction and you won't experience everything with him but it's fine because you will always be his mum and he is healthy and happy and honestly nothing else matters.

The feeding in particular was totally out of order and I think that's made you more sensitive to this. ignore people being HARSH they obviously don't get it but lots of us do.

eggcellent · 09/05/2018 22:47

Did she know you were so precious about it? Sorry but I doubt it would even cross her mind that it was a big thing.

nooka · 09/05/2018 22:49

I can't remember any of my now teenage children's 'firsts' but that doesn't mean they weren't important to me at the time or that I can't understand that they might be important to someone else. I weaned onto baby rice and remember it mostly being messy, but can imagine that the first taste of interestingly flavoured food might be fun to watch, and by videoing the experience can be shared with an ill dh in hospital and that that might be really important.

Seems a bit sad that the mother couldn't wait a few minutes for her daughter to get back in before giving the baby his new toy. The enjoyment of watching presents being opened generally goes to the giver of the gift doesn't it? If I was the OP I'd feel sad and probably a bit desperate to go home. Hopefully her dh is on the path to recovery.

TuTru · 09/05/2018 22:56

I don’t think you can hope for exclusivity on all your child’s firsts? Unless you attach the child to your hip until school. And how on earth could anyone have known that was “firsr” toy time at 8 months old?
I can see how you might be a bit sad and emotional when you miss one, but yabu to be cross with others about it when it does. Unless you expressly told them not to do something beforehand.

MrsDilber · 09/05/2018 22:57

Yabu.

GothMummy · 09/05/2018 23:01

Poor OP is very stressed about her DH in hospital and probably exhausted with worry. Things get blown out of proportion when you are in that state. I hope things improve for you soon, OP Flowers

NigellasGuest · 09/05/2018 23:05

I don't get what's so great about First Banana - is that an actual thing these days??

Beeziekn33ze · 09/05/2018 23:08

I remember crying because DM had washed a little pink dress I'd bought her while I was out. Was I really looking forward to washing it so much?!
She also bought and gave her a dummy without discussion. I don't think I argued on that as DM was looking after her every weekday 8-4 from 3 months old while I worked.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 09/05/2018 23:12

For anyone still not reading the OPs updates she has clarified that the feeding the banana was giving her DC their first taste of food at 6mos of age.
Not that it’s a banana specifically, but just deciding to wean grandchild on her own.

Mammasmitten · 09/05/2018 23:29

CheesendPickles YANBU at all. Most parents would understand how important being a part of your baby's firsts is. Some of these replies are just plain mean and I have to wonder if they have had their own children. A pp by nooka pointed out that 'The enjoyment of watching presents being opened generally goes to the giver of the gift doesn't it?'

Excellent point nooka. Those pp who have accused Op of being unreasonable or precious, how would you feel if you bought someone a gift you thought they would really love and someone grabbed it and gave it to them when you weren't there? Most people would be furious and think it's rude. Why is it any different from a mother giving a present to her baby and having that taken away from her. CheesendPickles your mum has overstepped the boundaries and probably knows it. I can see that you are going through a lot so I know it might be hard, but you need to speak up and establish the boundaries now. Some people like to test you to see how much they can get away with and how much you'll put up with. As for introducing solids that was completely out of line. Hope your husband gets well soon. Good luck with everything Flowers

Well said HollyWoods8224, Fruitcorner123 and nooka.

gluteustothemaximus · 09/05/2018 23:37

I can't remember any of my now teenage children's 'firsts' but that doesn't mean they weren't important to me at the time or that I can't understand that they might be important to someone else.

EXACTLY 👏🏼

wowsertrousers · 10/05/2018 00:08

I think people are being unnecessarily unkind. The banana thing would have fucked me right off - first taste of food IS a big deal and OP's mum taking that first away from OP reaks of disrespect or at the very least signals a huge lack of consideration. The toy thing - well, yes, an 8 month old would have had other toys before as OP has clarified... but if any of you chose something for your baby and were really looking forward to giving it to them... but then someone else swooped in and gave it to them without you around... i suspect most of you would be put out too. It's not end of the world stuff, no. But it's still legitimately annoying.

OP, i get why you're pissed off. As someone has previously said though, there will be plenty more firsts to come - perhaps a quick word with your mum might be a good idea to let her know how you feel about third. If after that she still keeps doing this kind of thing, then you know you have a problem .

bridgetreilly · 10/05/2018 00:09

The thing is, if they are important to you, you need to communicate that to your mother. It genuinely wouldn't have occurred to me that you would care about those sort of things, and it seems possible that she might not even have known they were 'firsts' at all. I don't think she's being unreasonable, unless you've told her that those are special things for you and could she hold off. So, OP, if you've got other things you'd like to be the first to see, I'd just mention it to her in advance.

wowsertrousers · 10/05/2018 00:11

'how you feel about this' not 'third'...

Shitterton · 10/05/2018 00:11

I would be pissed off if someone else fed my child their first food. I looked forward to seeing their reaction as I am their MOTHER! How annoying. Angry

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 10/05/2018 00:12

I dont think YABU. Id have been pissed off too.

Bouncingbelle · 10/05/2018 00:51

Meh, I really wouldn't care about the 'first' toy. Just video him tomorrow once he has more of an idea how to play with it.
The banana thing is annoying and I would have left her in no doubt that I wasn't happy with it and it wasn't to happen again.
For what it's worth, I missed:
The first week of my son's life
The first time he breathed without a ventilator
The first time he opened his eyes
The first time he came off cpap.
The first nappy change.
The first (tube) feed.
The first bottle.
The first time he was dressed.
You just need to get over these things and make new firsts!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 10/05/2018 07:32

In future just ask your mum if she wants to do anything with the baby to check with you first

I find that such a controlling attitude. You can't micromanage everything. Granny needs to be able to look after her grandchildren without second guessing her every move and phoning her daughter all the time.

Trusting your mum to look after your child and letting them have some special grandmother/grandson moments is a far healthier approach surely.

I'm older with teenage children so perhaps a bit out of touch but I don't see it necessary to film every first either. Store those memories in your mind and live in the moment instead of watching it all through a camera lens on your phone.

Ohmydayslove · 10/05/2018 07:39

Come on cut the op some slack her dh is ill. I know I had some pretty irrational moments as a new mum. They weren’t irrational at the time to me though. They were important.

TheVanguardSix · 10/05/2018 07:42

OP. I sort of get where you're coming from but honestly, get a grip!
You'll drive yourself mad if you think of it all as a race.

LadyB49 · 10/05/2018 07:56

I'm a granny and have looked after 3 of my 6 dgc who do not live abroad. The littlest at one year old was on a sleepover last night. If I had to walk on eggshells for the like of giving him a toy or a bit of banana it would do my head in.

If granny wasn't told, then granny didn't know. Grannies are not mind readers. And if living with dm at present then dm/granny needs to not be walking on eggshells. Otherwise tensions can arise.

Just try another new food and video it for dh to see and enjoy. Record him playing with the toy, or give him another little New toy and record that. In the scheme of things and bearing in mind that it can be difficult all living together..... Don't sweat the small stuff or make unnecessary issues.

Let it go this time, don't even mention it. And have a wee chat with granny at another time about 'firsts'.

Honestly, we want the best, and when living with someone these things happen. Probably from both sides. Pick your battles and hopefully there won't be many.

Say nothing and Enjoy everything. :)

BaronessEllaSaturday · 10/05/2018 10:19

Op I don't think Yabu at all. You bought the toy it was unreasonable for her to give it to your ds. As for the food no way should anyone be giving any food to a baby without checking with parents for any known allergies first. Yes saying about the firsts does appear unreasonable and people are focusing on that rather than what your mother actually did. Hope your DH recovers quickly and you can go home.

pigsDOfly · 10/05/2018 11:21

Grannies don't need to be mind readers Lady. They just need to remember what it was like to be a first time mother and have a little bit of understanding about how a first time mother might feel about doing these first things with her young baby.

I would have been unset by these things and I wouldn't do them with my DCs' children.

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