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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 29/08/2018 22:59

This is such an incredible and uplifting update to read Op. It's clear you have been doing everything you can to bring stability and happiness to your DD's life despite everything he has thrown at you to get in the way. She's very lucky to have you.

Huge congratulations. I'm thrilled you had such a shit hot lawyer on side to give you the representation you deserved. Here's hoping that you and DD can finally move on with your lives and put this behind you, and if he tries anything like this again you know you now have a SHL and a team of MNers who will have your back and help you every step of the way Thanks

SpottyBadger · 29/08/2018 23:13

Fabulous. I’m so pleased for you xxxx

Andro · 29/08/2018 23:21

That's an excellent outcome OP! At least the next time he starts being vile you have a sensible court order to shape your response, plus the knowledge that you have stood up to him and won.

bastardkitty · 29/08/2018 23:41

Well done OP. Wine

Motoko · 29/08/2018 23:45

So glad to hear this! Your solicitor did a great job dealing with him and his solicitor, and you've done a great job carrying on while dealing with all his shit.

You'll feel very drained for a while, so take things easy for a few days. He will probably kick back, but now you know you can deal with it, and you're doing the right thing.

Flowers
Poloshot · 29/08/2018 23:49

Fantastic. Hopefully there was something in there too regarding unreasonable contact

cathcath2 · 30/08/2018 01:30

Well done! That is fab news Flowers

nocoolnamesleft · 30/08/2018 01:52

Oh thank goodness. Your lawyer sounds great. Stay strong.

Hortonlovesahoo · 30/08/2018 05:43

What an update OP! Congratulations and your solicitor sounds fantastic.

I agree with a previous poster: I fully expect him to continue his unreasonable behaviour for a while to try it on and to mess you about because he's like a child pushing his boundaries.

Wallywobbles · 30/08/2018 05:43

Good news. Now stick to the letter of the agreement. Zero accommodations. Good luck. And get some serious sleep.

simplepimple · 30/08/2018 06:03

Well done op.

Be kind to yourself during these exhausting times. Emotionally its a minefield but you are more than half way across. Keep going!

Remember usually just before someone 'gives' up a type of behaviour they ramp it up - it's called an extinction burst - it's really really important not to react at all at his because if you do they then have evidence their behaviour does get to you and they'll start it all over again.

You are so close to shutting his appalling behaviour down - it's imperative keep to your boundaries. It's so hard to do this without support - for you & your DD to have the best possible chance of truly being free of this coercion please consider accessing womensaid, do the freedom programme online - read 'why does he do that' by Lindy Bancroft - anything and everything that will help you understand that your instinct is completely right and totally trustworthy.

OldBean2 · 30/08/2018 07:21

Just to re echo the be kind to yourself. It has been a tough few months, have a bloody good cry and get back to the normality of seeing in name tags for school. Well done for seeing this through.

eddielizzard · 30/08/2018 07:39

Huzzah!!!

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 30/08/2018 08:01

Urgh. Woken up feeling like I've been hit by a train. To be expected I suppose. I feel like I've just been existing on autopilot for the past few months and I think once the reality of all of this sets in its going to hit hard. I feel bloody awful! But still quite cheered by the mental image of his solicitor stropping across the court with a face like a slapped backside shouting that she was drafting Grin

OP posts:
Wheresthel1ght · 30/08/2018 08:03

Emotionally draining experiences always leave you feeling like that, it's normal.

Why not find something really self indulgent to do today to relax and recharge your batteries

Nacreous · 30/08/2018 08:04

Cup of tea and the nicest breakfast you can muster in order I think!

LemonBreeland · 30/08/2018 08:08

Congratulations on the outcome, and echo everyone else on being kind to yourself. It's not surprising that it has hit you hard.

JamPasty · 30/08/2018 08:16

Well done you amazing woman!! Keep that wonderful image of his solicitor in mind whenever you need cheering! And for now, lots of tea and sofa/duvet/TV time to rest and regain your strength.

Livinglavidal0ca · 30/08/2018 08:21

Well done you fantastic woman! I am so pleased you had a positive outcome and a kick ass solicitor! FlowersWine for you X

BringMeTea · 30/08/2018 08:24

You are such a good mum. Well done on staying strong. Enjoy your moment knowing ex is waking up with a sadface, the loser. Be very kind to yourself as you are bound to dip as adrenaline reduces. Well done! Flowers

Babyblade · 30/08/2018 08:58

OP - you rock and I think I love your solicitor!

tattyheadsmum · 30/08/2018 09:13

Well done! I was mentally cheering you on yesterday too.

I'm a solicitor myself and I've often observed that the solicitor reflects the client; arsehole solicitor, arsehole client, nice solicitor, nice client. Judges pick up on it too.

Take it easy today. You've earned it. Flowers

RandomMess · 30/08/2018 10:08

I hope you recover soon, go grey rock on him and stay that way the CO is now set in stone so any bullying from him over contact means it is harassment. Hopefully he will get bored now he is no longer able to bully you Thanks

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 31/08/2018 08:42

So today I have to handover DD to him by myself. I've arranged to do it in the most public place possible, but it'll be the first time I don't have any back up. I'd like to think he wouldn't kick off in front of DD again but I'm feeling sick worrying about it

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/08/2018 08:51

Have you phone ready to diall 999 you don't have to tolerate his abuse Thanks

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