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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take this back to court?

608 replies

Justonedayatatime11 · 09/05/2018 08:24

Exh took me to court a few years back and obtained a CAO for our dd(4). CAO states EOW and 50% of his annual leave. Exh has rarely adhered to the CAO and can get very aggressive if I can’t change plans to accommodate him wanting to swap and change weekends. I’ve received a message from him last night saying that every weekend for the next 4 months is going to have to change, but he doesn’t know how or when.
FWIW, he’s blaming work. Now he could take the CAO to his commanding officer and have it enforced which would mean he would reliably see dd EOW. However, he’s admitted he won’t do this as ‘it will harm his chances of promotion’.
My plans for the summer are now up in the air because I now don’t know when/if he’ll be seeing dd. Not only will that potentially leave me out of pocket, but more importantly dd is getting no consistency. He’ll go for a month without seeing her and then want her for a week at a time.
To be clear, I am not trying to stop contact. Dd adores him and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her. AIBU to take this back to court and look at getting the CAO changed? I just want some consistency for her sake and some reliability for me?

OP posts:
sparklepops123 · 31/08/2018 09:00

Imagine the pleasure it would give him to know you're scared of him. DO NOT give him that pleasure. YOU are in control, YOU stood up to him and won. Be polite but make handover quick and don't engage long conversation with him.

Ginger1982 · 31/08/2018 09:20

Could you stand a distance apart and let DD run to him so that you don't actually have to engage?

Hortonlovesahoo · 31/08/2018 09:30

Can you take someone or alternatively imagine all of us behind you, supporting you? We're right there with you. Don't let him see you weak because that's not who you are. You are strong.

simplepimple · 31/08/2018 09:34

It's difficult to prepare yourself op as he changes his behaviour all the time in the hope of catching you out. So he might be as nice as pie or as manipulative as possible.

You have put into place some good precautions which is the best you can do given the circumstances. You are doing this right. You are working towards a better place to be. Try and picture it going smoothly as our brains can't really tell the difference between our imagination of how something might pan out and reality so fool your brain into thinking it will go ok. Make the handover as quick as possible - keep the focus on your DD - maybe think of a mantra to keep saying in your head even if its your DD's name and then have something really nice as a treat for yourself to do immediately after.

FredaNerkk · 31/08/2018 09:36

Great advice from others for the handover.
You've got this OP!

AppleKatie · 31/08/2018 09:38

Just read your whole thread OP- you are brilliant and strong and brave and your DD is so lucky to have you.

Make the handover as quick as you can. Give DD a big hug and tell her you love her before he gets there. Then just do your best to look utterly bored of him. Totally emotionless and walk away from him and her with your head held high.

Even if you have to shake/cry in the car afterwards it will be worth it!

Wheresthel1ght · 31/08/2018 09:50

Good luck for the handover just

As others have said, head high, fake it til you make it and be ready to call the police if required.

You ROCK

LaGruffaloGrumble · 31/08/2018 09:59

Good luck for the handover Just. We're all thinking of you. When he (inevitably) tries to intimidate you or is somehow dickish just remember him and his solicitor getting their arses handed to them in court.

You can do this. Flowers

Stormtrooper1986 · 31/08/2018 10:36

I’d personally have video record on my mobile phone and secretly record the handover - if he kicks off or gets abusive then You’d have proof and go back to the police

There is a very clear line showing harassment and police should take it seriously - if they don’t then you need to make a complaint - go to the inspector and say that this hasn’t been dealt with properly .

tattyheadsmum · 31/08/2018 10:53

I agree with Stormtrooper, record the handover.

Best of luck OP. Everyone here is cheering you on. Flowers

sparklepops123 · 31/08/2018 14:56

How did it go?

MsJolly · 31/08/2018 15:19
Flowers
Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 31/08/2018 15:40

Sat there with a pathetic smirk on his face. Kept my calm, kissed DD and told her I'd see her on Sunday and walked away. I am slowly coming to the realisation (finally!) that I haven't done anything wrong!

OP posts:
simplepimple · 31/08/2018 15:49

Fabulous just!

You most definitely have not done anything wrong. (he's uses that trigger to control you)

I used to hate the smirk my exh had but now years later I can see just how pathetic he was.

The dictionary meaning for smirk has it exactly right:-
smile in an irritatingly smug, conceited, or silly way.

RandomMess · 31/08/2018 15:58

Not sure why he's smug? Unless he is too stupid to realise he hasn't won Wink

You never had an issue with contact continuing you just wanted it fixed which it now is Grin

Andro · 31/08/2018 16:17

Not sure why he's smug?

Taking a somewhat cynical view, he's figured out (or at least thinks he has) that OP is going to be concerned about how he will retaliate. As such, her discomfort at seeing him without any support must have been almost intolerable and there for smirk-worthy - instead OP is realising her strength and that she's done nothing wrong (but he won't see it that way because 'he's the man').

sparklepops123 · 31/08/2018 16:19

The smirk means he's fuming inside 👍

FishesThatFly · 31/08/2018 17:14

What a twat. Does he actually comprehend that he has not accomplished anything apart from everyone in court now knowing what a waste of space he is

FinallyHere · 31/08/2018 17:31

Wot @sparklepops123 said ^

PanamaPattie · 31/08/2018 17:38

He's smirking because as pp have said he is raging inside. He has lost and he knows it. Twat.

Thebluedog · 31/08/2018 18:28

The smirk is the last thing he can do to try and piss you off. He can’t retaliate in his usual way because you’ve called him on his behaviour, so smirking is actually the only thing he can do now

Well done OPFlowers

GummyGoddess · 31/08/2018 19:44

Smirking is what children do when they're wrong, know they're wrong, but can't actually admit it. Just attempting to project an air of superiority because they have no other way to do so.

sockunicorn · 03/09/2018 17:08

hi op, how did it go getting her back? (presuming it was a weekend visit) Flowers

justilou1 · 05/09/2018 00:29

Yay for you OP! I have been thinking of you. I can’t believe what an arse his lawyer was as well!!! (Also thoroughly unprofessional to make agreements with you and then play those mind-games as a tactic. I bet the court saw through that and looked unfavorably upon it!!!) Hope that the return handover went well. Of course he’s acting smug. The toad has been disempowered and his wee willy has shriveled to a raisin. He’s compensating.

Original poster
Justonedayatatime11 · 17/09/2018 22:08

What an utter waste of time. Less than 3 weeks after being in court and he's already back to his ways! Asked him (via contact book) when he would like DD over October half term, to get a message back saying he doesn't know if he can have her at all, he'll let me know but he doesn't know when. So yet again I'm stuck in bloody limbo! I actually feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall!

OP posts: