AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

[starfish2020]

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

I agree with you completely. My boys are 7, 5 and 3 and my eldest is no where near ready to go in the men's on his own. Same goes with toilets. He's 7 so hardly some sort of threat. His safety comes first to me over some randomer not wanting him in there.

I wish there were more private cubicles, not every changing room is well equipped with these. Also larger cubicles for those with kids or who need more space due to disability etc.

I think you have every right to use the disabled changing room in your circumstances. While it wouldn’t bother me, I can see this from both sides.

Honestly, I think YABU - I can see why you'd feel this was unfair, but, you should be using the accessible changing room, so there's room for you both in there.

You know your son has a mental age of 8, but the other woman and girls, who came into a changing room expecting young children and other women/girls don't, and it's making them uncomfortable in a space that should be theirs, when there is a more appropriate space available for you and your son.

You suggest that they should go in the single use cubicles, but aren't prepared to use an appropriate cubicle (the accessible one) yourself - these other parents may similarly have dependent children that means they can't all fit in one of the private cubicles - and unlike you, don't have a good reason to use the accessible ones.

The single cubicles in female change room are always empty, no one uses them. Go figure

Sorry, I misunderstood - you said he's 8, with a lower mental age

In which case it entirely depends on the rules of the leisure centre - where they cut off that male children should not be in the female change

I've seen it at various levels - between 7 and 11 - you might have to change pools to find one with a higher age limit.

I wouldn't be happy with an 11 year old boy in the female changing room. Obviously a stranger wouldn't know your circumstances and I'm sure most would be understanding. Did staff have any other solutions?

Do what you’re doing. I have an 11 year old and 7 year old and there’s no way either of them are gong in changing rooms alone. I wouldn’t give less of a shite if somebody cared about this, I will however use the cubicles with them and keep us tucked away as I don’t wish to offend, but we also don’t wish to harm

Can you not use the cubicals?

Disturbingly
Well I still stand by what I said as they can but choose not to use private cubicles
There is 1 disabled changing room and is usually occupied
What are you suggesting?!
And I didn’t say he had mental age 8 I said lower.
And that shouldn’t matter anyway
If you want privacy that use it!!! In a private cubicle!!!

They are naked in the women's changing room because it is intended for women and small children.

They are not being unreasonable. You say they could use the private cubicles, but that basically means that everyone who is half dressed is going to have to scarper into a cubicle when you decide to take your boys in.

There is an appropriate changing room for you to use, and you refuse to use it. That makes you unreasonable.

No can’t use the cubicle as it’s too small for two of us unfortunately

There is only one ☝️ 1 (how many times can I point that out??) disable changing room

I don’t refuse to use anything

Then you wait until it is free. Just like I have to wait for the disabled toilet to be free sometimes.

I think 8 is ok but anything over say 10 is not acceptable. I find boys stare. Completely natural that they're curious, but it makes me very uncomfortable in a space where o shouldn't have to. My gym has hardly any cubicles (maybe 4) and they're tiny so difficult to fit all your stuff. I think you're ok for a little while longer but should really use the accessible one.

What age do you draw the line???

Maybe you could stand in the door of the cubicle and help from there so he's basically private but you don't have to cram in with the door shut.

As your son is only eight I think it’s okay for him to be in the female only changing room. However, women who are changing in what they expect to be a female only / young children space are not wrong for questioning why a boy who appears to be 11 is present. I imagine the women who “prounce around naked” are happy for their bodies to be seen by other women but not by an older boy. Instead of telling women to use a cubicle in a female changing room you should be using your energy to tell the leisure facility to improve their provision for disabled customers.

You I can see this both ways. I understand that your lad has SN and realistically couldn't cope alone. But if he looks 10, and his needs are not visible I can also see where others are coming from. My daughter - aged 8 dislikes changing for swimming when there are bigger boys in the changing room as she feels they are staring at her and making her uncomfortable. She hasn't learnt the art of changing under a towel. She shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable because someone else chooses to use the 'wrong' changing room. She uses the ladies by herself when her dad takes her as I wouldn't want her in the mens so I don't think 8 is an unreasonable cut off point for normal kids. (Appreciate adjustments have to be made for disabilities)

Are the cubicles that small in your pool? I've been in there at times with my 2 daughters, yes it's a tight fit but we manage. You should really use the cubicle, I wouldn't be happy with a boy looking to be 11 in the female changing room tbh.

Wait for the accessible changing room to become free then use it.

You wait for the disabled to be free. You can't have an 11 year old boy in the ladies changing room. Where do you draw the line? 12? 16? Older?"

What I think you should ask for, is for two of the single cubicles to be converted to a double.

Personally, I don't like cubicles as they are generally too cramped, nowhere to put stuff, hard to stretch out arms to dry yourself etc. Where I swim (a DLL) there are only 2 cubicles and the rest is open plan in 4 areas. (They do have a family changing room too though).