AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

[starfish2020]

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

Can't believe this debate is still going on! I repeat, the child is 8 and disabled! Anyone who complains about a disabled boy changing with his Mum instead of getting changed in a cubicle themselves if they are uncomfortable, is a truly awful person! Anyone who has said OP is being unreasonable, I hope you are never in need of compassion and understanding from others. Some very shameful comments on here and a lot of weird attempts at justifying selfish points of view.

I hope the above answers your question slane

draine

Drained that sounds so hard and I'm not surprised this thread has got to you

Please try to take some small comfort in that there are people on here who do get it and some more of us that are trying or prepared to try. We had a council tax freeze here for years implemented by a party that say they are trying to do their best to counteract the tories. I would rather have paid more and kept the services that people desperately need. We need to work a lot harder to give everyone equality of opportunity.

I would like to add to Drained heartfelt post.

My son is what is considered as ‘high functioning’ above average IQ, articulate etc ie ‘normal’ acting and ‘appearances’. Polite, well mannered, well behaved. Not to ‘trump’ disabilities, more just understanding of it can be anyone and not visible.

He is 14, still soils on occasion, struggles to dress etc. Has difficulties eating, to the point of making him ill. Cannot use a knife or fork or tie shoe laces etc. Or be near anyone who eats. Cannot cope socially, struggles to leave the house or his room, self harms due to pressure of having to socialise or just having to live in a ‘normal’ world, to the point of being hospitalised and in danger of amputation due to wounds being infected. Often thinks of suicide to end the struggle. He struggles to attend his specialist school

Cannot change in front of others male or female, for swimming or PE. Or take his t-shirt off for swimming due to his self harming scars. Pools don’t ‘allow’ t-shirts to be worn. We used to go to SN pool sessions, local pool, he was allowed to keep his t-shirt on etc, etc, etc, etc etc.

Could he live independently, maybe with some teaching, understanding, tolerance, less pressure. Is it likely, when people cannot even tolerate a disabled child in a changing room, no.

Is this what it takes, parents to reveal their child’s difficulties to get people to understand? Exact details? Or can you just take our word for it? Or the words of our children? just be tolerant? Kind? Not up your own arses with ‘rights’ and ‘rules’ or ‘entitlement’?

We spend a life time trying to teach our children ‘flexibility’ what about a little something in return?

Shed to you too.

I know how much I worry about my own DC who have none of these difficulties to face in life. i know there are things they struggle with and will in the future too, but I know that they will become independent, they will be able to look after themselves.

I like to try to get them to focus on what they can do and the advantages they have in life as self esteem is important. DS1 has dreadful social anxiety (not to the level of your DS) it limits him and it means he misses out on things he'd like to do however he is very bright and hardworking and he will get there, baby steps. Ds2 has bad scarring from acne - he also won't take his top off and we are waiting to see if he'll be accepted for plastic surgery to his face, they wont consider his back/chest/arms etc. I tell him that his scars don't define him and that it isn't the first thing that people notice. They notice his beautiful eyes.

I'm not for one instant comparing their difficulties with those of those DC on here who have real, long term enduring battles. I'm just saying that surely every parent would want a perfect life for their DC so surely can extrapolate that into some level of understanding of how a parent of a child who may never complete all the milestones that theirs will must feel. Surely all parents have some experience of things not being just the way they would like that they can draw on to have some empathy for people who face greater issues and why wouldn't you want to make life easier if you could?

Anyway, someone said to me once that blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make your own glow any brighter.....true dat.

And once again I need to get to bed and sleep. The early night I promised myself having disappeared yet again....

DS has an exam in the morning so need to chase him to put his light out too. Sleep well people.

Yes that's true zzzzzDss have those UV type tops made of swim suit material and they've been okay though one pool wouldn't let him go down the slide

TL;BR but I gather...

‘AIBU?’

‘Yes’

‘You’re all mean twats, whatever’

Zzzzz my ds won’t wear a vest. He wont expose his skin. Even in school on very hot days, long sleeved shirt + fleece, never comes off! trousers, t-shirt and hoody at home too or pjs short sleeved..a compromise!

Very sensory, then scars make him self conscious. Vit D deficiency too etc.

I’ve given up on swimming! We have one of those massive 20ft x 5ft pools, he swims there, fully clothed or now top off! Progress!

My son is a ‘sensitive’ boy! He feels the ‘looks’, hears the ‘tuts’! At the swimming pool.

We have reached the conclusion more than one way to skin a cat! Learn what you need in a way you feel comfortable!

Only problem it’s tight. He cannot do ‘tight’ everything has to be oversized, trousers, shirts, even shoes!

I think the difference is he is ‘enjoying’ Swimming at home, rather than just another thing he ‘has’ to do to please adults! He hates daylight (photophobia + eye disorders) or outdoors (fear of anything touching his skin, like insects!) Proper vampire!

Late to this thread but absolutely disgusted at some posters comments. OP - Please ignore the ignorant/uniformed posts about how life is with a child with special needs (and I have to say to posters who say their child is special needs please don't, it's insulting).

It's like the sign the cheque thread - most posters agree with you but some just read the OP and react

I wish the best for you and your boy and really wish you didn't have to experience this bias xx

SN parents chatting, while many were in bed hours ago! Says a lot! 2am finish if lucky, then up at 5.30!

Yay sleep!

YANBU ! If there is only one disabled changing room and it is occupied then what are you supposed to do? Not take your son swimming because of that. No way, having worked in a leisure centre myself for a long time I would be on your side and I'd ask the women who found it uncomfortable to share surroundings with an 8 year old disabled boy to please use the single cubicles instead. I'd do exactly the same as you, the centre should provide more accessible changing facilities for you! Keep up the amazing Mum work

Have to comment again after reading a few more of these disgusting replies!

It fucking annoys me that people haven't taken the time out to read the OP properly!

DS Is 8 years old just looks older (so what looking older is not a crime)

Boys allowed up to 9 in communal female changing area

OP is not saying she will continue to use communal with DS when he is 9

They can't use a cubicle it's too small and impossible with DS needs.

Only one disabled cubicle and always occupied (waiting 30+mins would surely lead to missing lesson/ appropriate time slot)

Another thing, not everything is so black and white ! Have some compassion for crying out loud, a mother alone with a visibly disabled son of 8 years old is doing her best to adhere to his needs in order to make his disability more bearable! Sometimes it's not about rules or what makes you comfortable, sometimes it's about being a fucking human being and thinking ' you know what, it might be a bit inconvenient/uncomfortable for me and my kids but we can easily move and go to a cubicle, whereas this lady and her additional needs son would find that a lot harder than me.'

These nasty commenters seem the type to not give up your seat for a pregnant lady or an elderly person

waxon exactly a bit of empathy! Good luck with the exam

OP just wanted to say I hugely sympathise. I have a boy with SEN who would be causing havoc whilst we tried to wait for the disabled cubicle. Too many small unused cubicles and not enough disabled cubicles is the problem, not the women in the changing room. I've complained at our local pool because the disabled cubicle is completely inappropriate for a child with my kid's SEN (includes a filthy toilet which he tries to climb in) and in a different part of the building from the pool. We are sometimes able to get a family one, but not always and I know the day will come when he's too big. Good luck.

And the people asking stupid questions here because why've never had to do it themselves are so clueless.

They've not why've

Oh ffs. OP YANBU.
Are you supposed to stand there while your son gets cold waiting for a changing room which is occupied by someone who will more than likely take some time to finish using it?
A young boy is not a threat. It's sad and quite sick that people seem to think he is!!

Most people I know wouldn’t be bothered about a SEN person of any age and opposite sex sharing the facilities.

Our pool has a unisex changing village, only the loos and showers are seperate sex and it works well. No one wants to change or be naked in front of strangers of any sex so cubicles and larger family rooms are the way forward.

I'm so glad this thread has turned around. When I first read it I was utterly disgusted by most of the responses to OP; eventually I posted a comment that disagreed with them and didn't come back to the thread till now because I fully expected to be flamed by a load more posts along the same lines. I wish I thought the self-righteous/selfish types in the first section of the thread were coming back and learning something, but I'm not too optimistic about that.

My only issue with an older child with sn changing in the “wrong” changing room is for their own dignity. Even at 8 I wouldn’t change ds is a public area because I don’t think it would be fair on him I would rather not go somewhere that didn’t have suitable disabled facilities