AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

[starfish2020]

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

Sorry OP but you lost me when you started ranting about those exhibitionist women prancing around naked in a changing room allocated for female women to change (ie progress through varying stages of nakedness) in.

Basically you don't want to wait for the disabled change or pressure the centre into making more disabled changes, or use a cubicle you deem to be too small for your child to use (but those naked women are fair game to use it) so you want everyone else to cram into cubicles in the corner so you can basically have the changing room free of prancing women for you to use. Add in the tantrum when you're not getting unequivocal approval and I'm out (of sympathy) I'm afraid. You're going to need to find a solution before he gets much older anyway.

I give it 10 mins before the cries of disablism go up and the deletions start.

Ask the leisure centre to acvomodate you. Explain your DS’s disability/ changing room sitiation and ask them for a solution.

It’s a difficult issue Starfish you have my sympathies. My DS looks at least two years older than his age and we started getting sideways looks in the ladies loo at 6yo.

You do need to find a long term solution though given that the pool’s cut off is 9yo.

Regardless of special needs you can’t take a teenager into the ladies it wouldn’t be appropriate for anyone.

I would recommend speaking to the pool to see what they suggest as a solution. This can’t be the first time it’s come up. What do other parents of children with special needs in the area do?

YANBU to expect more disabled change facilities but you need to focus your attention on getting more facilities for disabled people, or finding another solution such as changing him at home so he can just strip into trunks poolside, rather than being snooty about women having the audacity to be naked in a changing room

This.

Also, OP, if you take this attitude about everything, it makes it harder for anyone to get actually reasonable adjustments because we’re dismissed because of instances like the one you describe.

Reasonable adjustments is a legal definition, in the Equalities Act 2010. The key word is reasonable, which I’m afraid your tone isn’t.

I’d use a private cubicle with my disabled son, I’d find a way to make it work. Hold a towel up, door open if he needed help, or wait outside if safety fears. My son needs some privacy!

The complainant was being U. He’s only 8 for goodness’ sake! I agree with you.

The real problem is that you don’t want to find a solution - you just want everyone else to let you do as you please and be happy with it.

That ain’t going to happen. He is only going to get older. You need to find a solution. So stop being a martyr, stop causing drama, take on board what has been suggested, arrange to meet with the management and find a solution.

Honestly, some people just cannot get out of their own way.

em I’m sure OP doesn’t want to go to the male changing rooms and be around naked men

OP, just talk to the manager at the pool and see what they suggest. There maybe somewhere else you can use to help your son change? I know it’s hard, we are lucky to have several pools near by that have several disabled and family changing rooms. You could always change him in a cubical but leave the door open, this means he doesn’t see other people walking around naked as your blocking his view? And he has some privacy?

Younhad my sympathies OP, until you referred to naked women 'prancing' around. That is DM speak! Unless they are actually doing a high kneed Miranda style trot whilst waving their arms in the air they are not prancing. They are women changing in a women's changing room, a perfectly appropriate way to behave.

Your issue is with the centre management who are not providing sufficient SN/Disabled facilities. Take it up with them rather than digging at other service users.

Again wow
It’s the only one that had space. Am on waiting list for a later one but than again maybe that’s wrong too

Not sure wow is the word.

Honestly, if you cannot get him changed because the disabled cubicle is always full and you have no time to wait, you would be better just waiting for the later slot to become available. I’m sure the pool would prioritise you for a place if you explained it was because there weren’t enough disabled changing rooms to make it to the lesson straight after school on time.

Is it the only pool in your area?

@starfish2020 your defensiveness and U stance is understandable, if misplaced.

Here's another practical suggestion/solution for you:

Get a onesie.
Use school facilities to get him changed into swimming kit and put onesie on top.
Take direct to poolside and take it off, straight into the water..
Quick rub down and/or quick shower poolside after and back on with onesie, go home.
Home to shower if not done already, and get changed.

You say it's more hassle for you to go in the men's... Why is that? Because men don't want a female seeing their penis? Because you don't want to see their penis?

Just as a suggestion, can you get him to wear his swim trunks to school for the day? I know it is a bit extreme but he will already be changed. He then just needs to get undressed in the individual cubicles would he manage that? Or you could help him get undressed even at the side of the pool or in a quiet corner. Would that make a difference? Then he can wait for the disabled cubicle on exiting the pool.

I would agree the OP is not particularly sympathetic but
the boy is 8, which is still very young.
the pool itself has a cut off of 9, which he isn't.
the pool is pretty crap for only making one accessible changing room.

I think changing in the one cubicle in the women's area with the door open is still a better option, though don't know if possible as haven't seen it.

Because he is only just 8 and according to pool rules still allowed to women’s changing room until he is 9.
So there.
After he turns 9 I don’t know, but until than I will keep taking him.

Have you spoken to the swimming pool. I have a similarity situation with my 5yo ds. He’s autistic and likes to have a running commentary going when he’s in an unfamiliar situation (so think ‘a lady has come in and is having a shower, I think she’s going to use some soap, she’s opening up her soap and rubbing it all over herself’ etc). I’m aware it’s totally inappropriate stuff to be saying in a women’s changing room! He has a lesson at a set time each week. There’s one disabled changing room which another child needs for her lesson at the same time. I asked them what they would like me to do and they let me change him in the room that they use for birthday parties.

It’s not unreasonable for women to feel uncomfortable with males in the changing room. A clearly disabled 8 year old is a bit much for a grown woman to get upset about though. If he looks older it’s entirely understandable why women and especially adolescent girls would be uncomfortable.

I honestly love how you have ignored every single suggestion and instead choose to throw your toys out of the pram because people don't agree with you and you don't like being told you are in the wrong.

You sound very entitled OP, you're really not coming across great here with some of your comments about the other women using a space that is there for them to use, it is not all about you.

You could get one of the wearable towels to change him on the poolside. DS2 uses one to get changed at the beach after surfing. It lets him get changed without flashing anyone. When he was younger I could help him get changed under it.

If he were over the age cut off, I'd complain, complain and complain again until the centre sorted it. As you say he's 8 and the cut off is 9 then you have a maximum of 11 months to sort it out. You can use the disabled changing rooms, change prior to arrival etc. It's a women's space and should be respected as such.

Who posts so there You are like a truculent child

Please stop suggestin she use the men’s. She will not be allowed in the men’s, for good reason.

She cannot use the group changing rooms. So either cubicle or disabled. Both can easily work.

If no one else is using the women’s cubicles, then just keep the door open and block it with your body. That’s still more private than what you’re currently doing.

There are solutions which won’t leave anyone else exposed and uncomfortable but OP doesn’t want solutions, she wants things her way.

So there.

Are you sure that you're not the 8-year-old in this story OP?

And sorry didn’t manage to read all the messages and don’t know how to reply to specific messages.
Yes he need help with changing and drying etc. And seriously no we can’t fit into a cubicle.

Starfish what does your son think? Have you asked him?