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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to think if boys in changing room bother you, use the private cubicle

902 replies

starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 18:50

So to clarify, I have a boy with special needs and there is no way I can send him alone to the men’s
They only have male-female changing areas which is annoying.
They have 1 just 1 disabled changing room, which is usually needed by a person who has mobility problems in a wheelchair etc.
Someone today complained and the staff came to ask me how olds my boy is and why is he in female changing room?!
Well he has special needs and although he looks about 10/11 he is only 8 and mentally probably even lower.
My issues is this. There are single changing cubicles and the women who object to my boy seeing them naked can use those. Why do they prounce around but naked if it bothers them. I can’t fit in the cubicle with him and help him to dry/change it’s just not big enough.
So who is being unreasonable?!
Me who WILL keep bringing my boy with ME to female changing room, or the people who complain about it considering there are private cubicles available for them to use, they just choose not to.
Mumsnet wisdom needed

OP posts:
Smeddum · 08/05/2018 20:03

You just wanted to start a row OP didn’t you? Which isn’t helpful when there are times parents of kids with ASN need to be heard but we’re drowned out in the noise of ridiculous entitlement, which doesn’t help anyone.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 20:03

That’s was meant in the sarcastic way lol
I am not gonna stop him going swimming

OP posts:
Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 20:04

How am I entitled??????
Please do explain

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 20:04

I guess I am wondering why there are complaints. Why isn't he in the cubicle? Is he behaving appropriately?

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 20:05

I am not gonna stop him going swimming

Nobody is saying you should.

Original poster
starfish2020 · 08/05/2018 20:05

My son doesn’t want to go alone anywhere and he is ablivious to naked people around him. He is not even registering it

OP posts:
TwoBlueFish · 08/05/2018 20:05

I have a 15 year old DS who has SN and I would still be reluctant to send him into the men’s alone. If at all possible use the disabled changing room, this will be your only option in a few years. Just because someone is in a wheelchair it does not trump your need for the space. I’ve quite often found that it’s parents with young children and buggies who are using the disabled space which is frustrating. Start to petition the leisure centre to provide more disabled facilities, contact your local councillor/MP to see if they can help. In the meantime as he’s 8 and still under the age limit for using the ladies then use the ladies if the disabled one is full. If anyone complains just say he’s 8 and they’re free to review the age policies with the manager. Maybe try using the single cubicle with the door open for privacy if it can work for you. Hopefully by the time he turns 9 he will have got to the top of the waitlist at another pool that hopefully has better facilities.

fullponty · 08/05/2018 20:05

Lots of good suggestions on here OP

Such as the onesie idea or having him change in a normal cubicle whilst you stand at the door helping if needed

Why won't you acknowledge any of the suggestions

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 08/05/2018 20:06

No one,absolutely no one has said deny your son his swimming
As you say you have a year to figure this out,at 8yo he’s allowed in female area
The suggestion is use the disabled changing room,which may incur a wait til it’s vacant

WaxOnFeckOff · 08/05/2018 20:06

OP's son is 8 regardless of what age he looks, he is perfectly entitled to be in the ladies changing with his mum. When he gets older then yes, she may just have to wait for the accessible room if he is still not mature enough to go into the men's by himself.

I also understand that it's difficult to judge age and therefore why people would question him being in there.

OP is on a hiding to nothing as if she was using the accessible facilities without an obvious need then someone would also be questioning that.

IceBearRocks · 08/05/2018 20:06

I have a disabled boy aged 8 who cannot dress nor undress. He functions at 18-24 months. I take him in the disabled changing room.
It's really simple....you'll just have to wait. ...and yes if this slot isn't suitable I'd cancel and wait for a more suitable time.
Unfortunately when you have children with disabilities you do just have to adapt and realise that something's are just not suitable.
You have to adapt not everyone else ....is the shit card you've been dealt having a child with disabilities.

This is a severe case of entitlement here!!!!

Sirzy · 08/05/2018 20:06

So you have a year to campaign to get better facilities at the leisure centre or find one which is willing to be more accommodating then.

Sadly burying your head in the sand isn’t going to help anyone!

MirriVan · 08/05/2018 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazeyjane · 08/05/2018 20:07

Ffs, why did you even bother asking. You will keep taking him. Fine, crack on.

Somehow, magically, when he turns 9, you will find another solution (waiting for the accessible cubicle?)

Andrewofgg · 08/05/2018 20:07

A disabled facility in the men’s changing area does not help because the OP has to go through it to get there - and that’s not on either.

And it’s all very well to say “there should be more disabled rooms” - space may not permit.

The OP will have to wait for the one and only. She could take the DCs in trunks under trousers but the journey home is the problem and waiting is the only answer. Sorry OP I know that is bleak but that’s how it is.

Louiselouie0890 · 08/05/2018 20:08

You say they want.t privacy then use the cubicles a woman's changing room is there privacy

UnimaginativeUsername · 08/05/2018 20:08

Can his father take him to the swimming lesson instead?

Lostwithinthehills · 08/05/2018 20:08

“if you feel uncomfortable than use a private cubicle. It’s there for a reason”

Are you honestly arguing that the reason cubicles are provided within a female changing room is so women and girls can use them while boys who appear to be of secondary school age can use the communal female changing area?

What about girls who have special needs and need assistance from their mothers to get changed? They can’t fit in the single cubicle and the accessible cubicle is constantly in use so they have to use the communal female changing area next to you and your son. And if that girl doesn’t feel comfortable getting changed in front of your son that’s her tough luck?

Tessliketrees · 08/05/2018 20:09

IceBearRocks

Would people really object to your son using the female changing rooms? That kind of disability is very visible, surely people would/should be more understanding. The idea you should just have to wait is shit.

Smeddum · 08/05/2018 20:09

A disabled facility in the men’s changing area does not help because the OP has to go through it to get there - and that’s not on either

That was my idea, admittedly not ideal but I wondered if the sports centre could facilitate it so that the wait was less, if there is another disabled one at all.

Shedmicehugh1 · 08/05/2018 20:10

Starfish, I would be more concerned for my son regardless of age. My son is 14 and couldn’t go to the men’s on his own.

It’s awkward as much as I’m sure women don’t want him in communal changing, he doesn’t want to be there either!

Do they have a disabled loo?

Avasarala · 08/05/2018 20:10

@MirriVan

If she identified as a man, dressed as a man etc then she’s entitled to use the men’s. But she doesn’t identify as a man. She’s a woman - genetically and identity-wise, so she has no right to be in the men’s changing and men shouldn’t have to put up with it. Just like women shouldn’t have to put up with her son once he turns 9.

She has several sensible options, but ignores them all. Using the men’s is not a sensible option.

Sirzy · 08/05/2018 20:10

Do they have any group changing rooms (the type normally used for school groups)? Perhaps they could open one of them for you to use

PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 08/05/2018 20:10

What about girls who have special needs and need assistance from their mothers to get changed?

That is an excellent point.

Andrewofgg · 08/05/2018 20:11

No, the access door has to be from the area outside the male/female zones; the area where everyone is fully clothed.

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