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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD - crap with money - Aibu to be furious?

262 replies

WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:34

So DD has just left on a 2 month working holiday abroad, except she had no money to take with her and won't be getting any earnings for at least 3 weeks!

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then, which we can't afford as have 3 younger DC, 1 with SN and I can't work because of him.

She had £2700 go into her bank account in April (uni loan and wages) and apart from about £1000 she had to use to pay for her flight, accommodation and incidentals, and she should have saved the rest but continued going out every night! She spent over a £100 this weekend alone despite knowing she was flying today!

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

She hasn't even finished her Uni assignments! She quit her job 3 weeks ago as she was supposed to be spending that time finishing them before she went.

She sprang the 'I've been stupid and got no money left last night'!

The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress Angry.

Am now awaiting begging phone calls saying she has no money to eat.

Oh and she only has a one way ticket.

Aibu to have wanted to lamp her oneAngry? Also worried for her that she may not be able to eat Confused.

I certainly not the poster who previously posted about her doing similar and asking if I was UR to go through her bank statements. Definitely not me!

OP posts:
MyKingdomForBrie · 09/05/2018 20:24

Sorry OP but I don’t think she’s being honest with you. Next time you really truly need to tell her tough. My husband is sometimes like this because he knows he can ring his mum and she will just send him money with no questions or complaints. It’s not financially difficult for her but that’s not the point. I feel like I’m scrounging from her when he does it even though it’s not my responsibility to police him (we have joint finances but our own accounts and his business/tax stuff is entirely his own look out).

Obviously she’s younger but if you keep going at this age it might be hard to change. I do understand you bailing her out, she is your dd after all.

Hortonlovesahoo · 09/05/2018 20:25

What’s going to happen the next time? You said you couldn’t afford the £200 but you can afford the £50 extra?

Maybe look at this another way. It’s not £250 for your DD, it’s taking away £250 that could be spent on family activities with your other children.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 09/05/2018 20:26

DH agrees with sending the money. He wanted her to go too hoping it would make her grow up a bit.

He was banging his head about her not getting Euros before she went.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/05/2018 20:30

DH agrees with sending the money ... He was banging his head about her not getting Euros before she went

Okay, I'm out

2andcountingtodate · 09/05/2018 20:34

Yeah I'm leaning towards you both being martyrs and her playing on it all. She's never going to grow up when you keep babying her.

Ginger1982 · 09/05/2018 20:38

I felt frustrated for you at the start of this thread OP and now I just feel frustrated at you. Why did you give her more money? You are a complete idiot.

Graphista · 09/05/2018 20:39

No it won't make her grow up because NEITHER of her parents had prepared her to cope and have sent her on basically a jolly - a nice long holiday in Cyprus at their expense.

Your dh is focusing on entirely the wrong thing.

To pps saying 'oh but she's vulnerable' my eye she is!

Where I'm from she'd be described as someone who can "get a piece at any door" ie good at spinning a sob story and never goes hungry!

Seriously do what I and many others have said, cut her off aside from a fare home and actually deal with this. You're burying your head so far in the sand you must be suffocating!

Plus the more I think about it the more I feel sorry for the other 3 because there is a favouritism thing going on here too. Plus by the time they get to her age if you carry on like this you'll be bankrupt!

FleurDelacoeur · 09/05/2018 20:43

I went abroad for the summer at the end of my second year of Uni. At the END of the year, with exams over and assignments submitted, not with work outstanding.

I worked for the summer in Spain as part of my degree - it was up to me to sort a placement, work out how much money I'd need, save up, and get on with it. Not easy in pre-internet days where everything had to be done by phone, fax or letter.

OP's daughter has blown her way through 2 grand in a month on God know's what, has pissed off to Cyprus without a plan, without a job, and with some vague "agency" which may or may not get her work - previous poster says in most cases, not. Had the daughter had an ounce of common sense she'd have researched, researched and researched a wee bit more and know exactly what she was doing. She could have had a great job doing all manner of things all over Europe but has jetted off on a one way ticket without money or a plan.

it's so irresponsible it's not true. This £50 will just be the start of it - she probably won't be able to get a job, won't earn anything, won't submit her coursework, etc etc etc. OP will be expected to bail her out again and again - and will keep doing so.

Tistheseason17 · 09/05/2018 20:47

This reply has been deleted

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Graphista · 09/05/2018 20:49

My sister in her 40's op that I mentioned waaaay up thread - not only parents STILL bailing her out financially but practically too. When she's running late for childcare, has forgotten to sort important admin, can't be arsed doing her grocery shopping... It's done for her. She's basically never grown up - oh and she was in her 30's before she left home has never held a job for more than 6 months (and it's ALWAYS someone else's fault) longest romantic relationship 5 years, friendships rarely last more than 2 (because she sponges off and relies on them too)...

That's what you're setting your daughter up for.

2andcountingtodate · 09/05/2018 20:51

To be honest coming back would be the best thing since she's not going to do her assignments out there. It's all bullshit that she will.

choli · 09/05/2018 20:59

To be honest coming back would be the best thing since she's not going to do her assignments out there. It's all bullshit that she will.
I suspect she will be crying for a ticket back as soon as her week of free booze is over. I'd let her hit up her gran for the fare.

highchairhell · 09/05/2018 21:16

Sorry going against grain but she's your daughter and she's growing and not quite an adult yet and that's what they do. They test boundaries and push it because they have the safety net of mum and dad and I don't see anything wrong with that.
I know general mumsnet opinion is to send children out to work as soon as they are walking and charge them rent etc but I think that's crap. I know people who had parents like that and they aren't close.
If you can afford to help, why not. Make it clear it's a gift or loan and try to teach about finance as you go along but it's harsh to say oh just leave her, her problem etc.

caringcarer · 09/05/2018 21:18

Losing £700 would have been the sharp shock she needed to grow up. You really ate not helping her. My parents bailed out my youngest sister like this so often. They didn't bail out older kids as they were not very well off the. Result youngest sibling is still crap at finance. I expect she will text you from holiday begging for more money especially if she spends £100 on one night out. Say no she will have to sort herself out. She does not sound mature enough to be going overseas with a friend who sounds equally irresponsible. YABUbecause you have and do enable this behaviour.

VivaEspania · 09/05/2018 21:21

Definitely something needs to be done but I'm not sure implementing it whilst she is abroad is the best idea. Agree a sensible amount that you can send her in total , tell her if she asks for money but do not go above it. I lived abroad and if you have no money you literally don't eat.set strict rules for when she is at home. Sounds like a nightmare but no different to most teenagers. At least she is out there living life. I'm sure she will be ok in the end x

dingit · 09/05/2018 21:23

Not read the whole thread, but how has she finished uni already? Most have only just gone back after Easter and don't finish until the end of the month. My dd has loads of course work and revision to get through.

Snog · 09/05/2018 21:23

I agree that you are enabling her and treating her like a child so it's not strange that she continues to act like one!
The solution is not to take control back of her money, the solution is to let her have control and not to bail her out. Your attitude to her is disrespectful so it's not surprising that she acts disrespectfully towards you!
Sorry OP but this situation is of your own making and you need to change if you want your dd to change.

choli · 09/05/2018 21:25

I am amazed at these comments like
"Sorry going against grain but she's your daughter and she's growing and not quite an adult yet and that's what they do."

"Sounds like a nightmare but no different to most teenagers. "

It is very different to most adults in their late teen in my experience. I have honestly never heard of such behavior in real life, to the point where I am not sure that this is for real.

Next time there is one of those threads with posters pontificating about how they would never charge their adult offspring rent I will link to this thread.

callmeadoctor · 09/05/2018 21:30

Not sure what the OP is hoping for, posting on here?

Buxtonstill · 09/05/2018 21:38

So your husband is the only one in the household of six working, and you have £250 to hand over willy nilly?Thats more than the majority of people have as a weekly budget after rent/mortgage. I bet your husband doesn’t have £250 to indulge himself after working all week, yet his gripe is that she didn’t change money before she got to the airport? Really? Bullshit that she got ripped off over currency exchange. That went on a taxi. Next saga will be medical bills, bad case of food posioning, needs to pay for meds, excess for insurance. Next it will be that she got pickpocketed/room got broken in to.....

KTheGrey · 09/05/2018 21:41

I went off to Greece with a friend after 'A' levels - we missed a connection, had to spend on a rented room we hadn't banked on, and we ended up living off two tins of sardines and about a fiver's worth of bread with cucumber, tomatoes and onions for a week until we could get any more cash together. We didn't starve. We were just fine. If you let go your daughter will solve her problems. If you don't you will solve them. Make a choice.

flowerpott · 09/05/2018 22:05

Just RTFT... this is insane. She can't afford to be out there, you can't afford for her to be out there, you are allowing her to take advantage at the expense of your other DC.

I understand that you want to give her the opportunity, and you hope that she will learn from this, but you are not doing her any favours. She will never grow up this way.

I was at uni (admittedly 15 years ago) with others who had their rent paid for them, had parents send them money every month... I hated having to work on Friday nights whilst my mates were all out having fun and I was so jealous of them and their entitled ways. Until we all left uni and I realised I was an adult and they were all in mad amounts of debt, reliant on their parents well into their late 20's.

Let her stay out there if she wants,
but please, let her do it on her own, it will be the making of her. Every time you bail her out, you are holding her back.

ShellyBoobs · 09/05/2018 22:47

Sorry going against grain but she's your daughter and she's growing and not quite an adult yet...

She's not 16 FFS!

Only on MN are adult offspring still children.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 09/05/2018 23:44

I’ve been good with money, surprisingly seeing as I wasn’t taught how to budget and left home because of abuse. However I’ve obviously had hiccups and still do. Not being bailed out is a huge help. When you aren’t getting help you have to learn to cope and keep money aside etc. I wouldn’t send her any and tell her she has to figure it out herself, which seems harsh but you’ve already given her £200 so she should make it last until her own money comes in. Then a priority should be to book a plane back for some point so she doesn’t end up broke and stranded.

mishfish · 10/05/2018 00:06

I agree with a PP

Make it clear to her that when she wants a flight home you will book it but will not be sending her over a single penny