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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DD - crap with money - Aibu to be furious?

262 replies

WannaBeWonderWoman · 08/05/2018 18:34

So DD has just left on a 2 month working holiday abroad, except she had no money to take with her and won't be getting any earnings for at least 3 weeks!

We have had to bung her £200 so she can eat till then, which we can't afford as have 3 younger DC, 1 with SN and I can't work because of him.

She had £2700 go into her bank account in April (uni loan and wages) and apart from about £1000 she had to use to pay for her flight, accommodation and incidentals, and she should have saved the rest but continued going out every night! She spent over a £100 this weekend alone despite knowing she was flying today!

She lives at home, and pays no rent and only has her mobile and contact lenses to pay for.

Does nothing round the house, pisses off for days a time so we never know when she'll be in.

She hasn't even finished her Uni assignments! She quit her job 3 weeks ago as she was supposed to be spending that time finishing them before she went.

She sprang the 'I've been stupid and got no money left last night'!

The choice was her not going and having to put up with her attitude and laying in bed all day or give her some money so she could go. Least stress Angry.

Am now awaiting begging phone calls saying she has no money to eat.

Oh and she only has a one way ticket.

Aibu to have wanted to lamp her oneAngry? Also worried for her that she may not be able to eat Confused.

I certainly not the poster who previously posted about her doing similar and asking if I was UR to go through her bank statements. Definitely not me!

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 09/05/2018 18:51

I know you said you wouldn't be doing this when she's 50 years old. But actually my DM would have said the same when my DB was your DD's age. But the habit of enabling him was too hard to break. It really didn't do him any good. You really must stop bailing her out. Just don't send her any money. Offer to pay her return ticket but don't give her more money to fritter her away whilst she's out there. If she is earning, she should learn to save some of that money.

FleurDelacoeur · 09/05/2018 18:51

This reply has been deleted

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PeachyPeachTrees · 09/05/2018 18:54

So, you said no more money and she begs after a few days and you've given in already? She knows, you saying she can get nothing or come home is an empty threat. Nothing has changed.

IRefuseToAgree · 09/05/2018 18:54

Fleur

What a nasty post. Do you get a kick out of being that unpleasant to random people on the internet. Hmm

Earthakitty · 09/05/2018 18:55

Christ....when we were students NOBODY went travelling....it was unheard of.
We studied AND worked.
Your daughter is the product of a spoilt snowflake generation.
" I want it.....therefore I deserve it because I'm worth it...."
And you've played right into her hands.
It's up to you.
Do not send her any more money ....
But I'd be willing to bet my house that's exactly what you'll do.

IRefuseToAgree · 09/05/2018 18:56

OP

I can't believe you have sent her more money! Did you at least make her itemize how she spent the last £200?

MycatsaPirate · 09/05/2018 18:58

Why on earth have you sent her more money??

Honestly to God, just stop it!

You do realise that any money she earns out there will be pissed up against the wall and by the time she needs to come home she will be broke again?

And all those saying it's really common, it's not.

My DD is 19 and has only borrowed money off me when her loan hasn't arrived and she needs fuel to get to placements from her uni halls. I have transferred enough for a tank of fuel and the minute the money is in her account from her loan, she sends the money back to me.

I admit I still pay her mobile phone bill but that's it really. She can't work unless she is home here on holidays and then she literally works every available shift and uses that money for her days/nights out and trips. She is off to Paris for five days next month with a group of friends and it cost them £230 each on a Wowcher deal.

I have taught my kids about bills and budgeting from an early age. I remember sitting DD1 down when she was younger and showing her my bank statement and telling her what the various direct debits were for. Then we added it up. Then I reminded her that food and clothing wasn't included in that and neither was travel. And it didn't cover any of the school costs. I think that really helped her to understand that nothing is free!

You need to just say 'sorry, I don't have it' next time she asks. And just keep saying it. Tell her you have bills to pay and that she needs to earn her own money.

singledadstu · 09/05/2018 19:00

I’m a push over ... If it was mine I’d still send some cash . It’s in short supply here too. But the day she got back would be the day she starts paying it back . Id be telling her it’s a loan and that I expect it paid back

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 09/05/2018 19:00

They arecholi. What an absolute shit parent I must be huh?

She was screwed over apparently when she tried to exchange her money at the airport over there. Not sure that's true though as no one would be stupid enough to accept €70 less than they should have got. She also had to pay a damage deposit for her accom and for the first weeks 'orientation' activities which included a wristband for free drinks thank god, which left her with precisely €5.

I told her to see what local wildlife there was around which would be edible(there was a dead coachroach in her room), and to go out tonight to scrump oranges or lemons if there's any, and not in jest!

I don't want her back after only 2 days!

I'll give her a week. Then she can work here all summer to pay me back with rent.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 09/05/2018 19:00

Have you heard the saying “if you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem”.

It’s like you’ve swapped being abused by your mum to being abused by your daughter.

Original poster
WannaBeWonderWoman · 09/05/2018 19:03

She wouldn't have got a penny if she wasn't 2000 miles away!

OP posts:
toolazytothinkofausername · 09/05/2018 19:04

You gave her £200... and now 1 day later you sent another £50?!? Shock

Next time you get a phone call saying she is skint, get her straight back home and demand she get a full-time job or kick her out!!!

Booboo66 · 09/05/2018 19:08

I can 100% guarantee your daughter will not save the money for her flight home whilst working in Cyprus. Living costs are high and wages are pittance. The agency’s are a bit of a con and the accommodation will be a fixed 3 or 4 weeks and the hobs are usually rubbish commission based ones getting tourists in to bars (this is actually illegal too and risks arrest and a fine) At the end of the time you have paid for you are pretty much on your own to find alternative work and accommodation which is hard to come by and very expensive. I’ve seen years of workers come and go and those that come with no savings don’t last more than a couple of weeks living off noodles and cheap vodka before they are selling their iPhones for a flight home. I’d advise cutting your (and her) losses now

spontaneousgiventime · 09/05/2018 19:08

You are enabling this behaviour OP and you won't see it even though you have been told time after time. My DD are also grown up and I do loan money - notice the word loan? You are just allowing her to be entitled because she knows you will cave in and give her more cash. She is going to have to grow up at some point and right now you're not helping her.

throwcushions · 09/05/2018 19:10

Just honestly OP, stop. If she says she needs money, just tell her you will buy a return ticket in her name. Doesn't matter when she asks. Doesn't matter why. Otherwise she will just keep asking and asking and she will eventually bleed you dry. I know you in jest say it won't still be happening when she is 40 but it will if she never learns, as ridiculous as that seems. I've seen it first hand.

WomaninGreen · 09/05/2018 19:10

She damaged her room already?

Either they are taking the piss lying to you or you literally need to pack a bag and kick her out.

Booboo66 · 09/05/2018 19:10

DaisyChains Cyprus is an eu country, you can come and go as you please and stay as long as you like. No visa is necessary unless travelling from outside the EU

PeachyPeachTrees · 09/05/2018 19:13

My DH was never given money for anything in his teens, twenties etc. His parents were skint. He had to get a job to pay for nights out, driving lessons and luxuries. When he moved out he stayed in flat shares and cheap places. He understands the value of money and doesn't live above his means.
In contrast his sister who is 15 years younger was always given money for everything, never got a paper round/small local job. The parents were better off by this time. She didn't move out until she was married and got a house with her DH. She is still always begging for money and always gets it. She is in her 30s now and won't change, she doesn't need to as her parents enable her. They are retired and spend thousands on her every year.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/05/2018 19:15

She wouldn't have got a penny if she wasn't 2000 miles away!

Somehow I doubt that Hmm

I'm almost starting to feel sorry for this DD, given the way she's encouraged to behave

WomaninGreen · 09/05/2018 19:20

Oh damage deposit...sorry. That would normally go on a credit card but I guess she can't have one of those.

Graphista · 09/05/2018 19:23

"She was screwed over apparently when she tried to exchange her money at the airport over there. Not sure that's true though as no one would be stupid enough to accept €70 less than they should have got. She also had to pay a damage deposit for her accom and for the first weeks 'orientation' activities which included a wristband for free drinks thank god, which left her with precisely €5."

Bullshit she didn't know how the exchange thing worked she actually seems very switched on - she's certainly got your number!

Damage deposit etc she KNEW before she left I pretty much guarantee it!

She's pissed it up the wall (or is plain lying) and is playing you. Can you afford another £350 to fund AT LEAST another week out there? I asked before and of course you're not obligated to answer here but you do need to consider the money you're giving her is money being taken from your intended budget for other things - or are you a millionaire and it doesn't matter that way?

"She wouldn't have got a penny if she wasn't 2000 miles away!" You're lying to us and yourself here of course she would! You've been bailing her out, teaching her to be entitled and selfish all her life.

You are not helping her. She is existing not living, not achieving anything, not developing any character or self respect.

2andcountingtodate · 09/05/2018 19:29

You need to stop OP. It sounds like you are both enmeshed in this behaviour: you enabling and her repeating. If she has to come back then she comes back to working, paying rent and paying you back.

I don't mean to this to sound bad but have you got yourselves into a bit of a martyr thing too? Where you are so used to this it's now second nature and you just play your role as bail out parents?

I know people who'd deny it but are in that relationship with their kids...they wonder why they don't change but don't look to their own behaviour too. It never ends the cycle.

Loonoon · 09/05/2018 19:34

I am shocked at how inconsistent and over indulgent you are OP. You're not doing her any good at all.
You gave her money to go as you couldn't stand the thought of having her at home all summer. Now you would be prepared to pay for her to come back in a weeks time. You say you are hard up but you are acting like you have money to burn.

And only a genius is going to get a 2.1 without putting a lot of effort.

Graphista · 09/05/2018 19:37

Actually at this point you really should book her a cheap flight home ASAP no arguments and she gets a job in uk, pays back what she owes, pays keep and gets that uni work done or else she's out.

You HAVE to draw a line somewhere.

CadyHeron · 09/05/2018 19:42

Is this for real? You sent her £50 after the £200 after saying you wouldn't?
Yep, she's playing you if so. There's no wonder really, as it's obvious your threats are just that empty ones.
Do you think she'll let herself starve? Yeah, HIGHLY doubt it.
She's had plenty of money. She'll never learn if she knows she's got Bank Of Mug to go running to.