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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
Maria1982 · 07/05/2018 21:32

Well done op!
Now prepare to stand firm as she may well ask again! The cheek of her.

jarhead123 · 07/05/2018 21:33

She is so cheeky

Maria1982 · 07/05/2018 21:33

Argh, just seen your latest update (I was right, see, she’s pushing back).

Just day no. Pleeease. Just say no, and don’t make any excuses (she will pick holes in any excuses you make and try to convince you). Seriously. Keep saying no.

Maria1982 · 07/05/2018 21:34

Silly phone. say no not day no.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2018 21:35

Calf
She cant afford a sleepover but buys designer clothes? Cant afford a pizza or cereal after years of op feeding her kid 3 times a day? Give your head a wobble.

Why the hell should op pay for her neice 2 days every sodding week of the hols and be stuck at home every week?
What about some mum time for her own dd without someone else there?
What about family time just the 3 of them?
You're on cloud cuckoo land about public transport too. Round here i can get a bus to nearest small town at 8.30 and if i dont get the bus back at 8.50 thats me screwed till 3.50. So thats hopeless for a start if as there isnt enough to do for that length of time. And all other kid friendly things are far further away with no bus links of any use at all. We dont all live in a freaking city you know.

Byebyebye · 07/05/2018 21:36

She’s just going to keep picking at any excuses you give her. Just tell her you aren’t free to provide childcare and that she should consider paying for it like you do.

BlueThesaurusRex · 07/05/2018 21:37

say You’ll look after DN for £27 a day Grin

Delatron · 07/05/2018 21:38

This is why you can't give a reason! She'll pick holes in it.
Just say a simple 'sorry we can't have DN these summer holidays apart from the 2 days mentioned' then do not engage further. She's trying it on now.

Annoying about the wine!

LannieDuck · 07/05/2018 21:38

I doubt BIL will take any time off at all

OP, I don't know what i would advise you to do, but your latest reply has made me wonder, why does it always seem to be women who step in for useless men?

So SIL runs around trying to organise childcare or cover it herself, and MIL gets asked, and OP gets asked - one woman trying to impose on two other women - all so some twat doesn't have to look after his own daughter for a couple of days?

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 07/05/2018 21:38

Cherry getting sucked into any negotiation will be your downfall, don't do it! Every reason you come up with re why Dn can't just tag along or fit in will be met with a counter argument or an alternative request and you end up taking responsibility for finding a solution to what is after all her and bils childcare problem. Stick to the dates you're happy with and leave them to sort the rest between them.

sneakysneak · 07/05/2018 21:39

'It's just not possible. Good luck with getting something sorted'

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2018 21:39

Wow what a CF, op has sacrificed her career so she can stay at home and look after her chikd, not be free childcare. Stand firm, she needs to do what tge rest of us without help do, and what you do(pay for holiday clubs, look for work with school hours). Give her an inch and she takes a Mile.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2018 21:39

Tell her you are not taking dn anywhere in the car without the legal child seat in place end off.

LostinMedici · 07/05/2018 21:39

The lack of reciprocity needs addressing. She could offer weekend night sleepovers or babysitting for you so you and dh can go out - doesn’t sound like she has?

Keep saying no - teach her a lesson this year so that she stops taking you for granted if you help out on other holidays.

MoseShrute · 07/05/2018 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cloudtree · 07/05/2018 21:40

"Sorry, I can't help but happy to have her on those two days I specified. Hope you manage to get things sorted. See you soon"

LostinMedici · 07/05/2018 21:40

Also wondering why BIL gets away with it - presumably they have a care agreement where he’s supposed to have his child a certain number of days including an annual summer holiday?

NorthEndGal · 07/05/2018 21:41

I'd reply back
'sorry, I'd like to stick with the dates we have already agreed on. '

Starlight2345 · 07/05/2018 21:41

Short reply . Sorry not possible hope you sort something out. More debate or information gives her reason to debate your reasons.

OreoMini · 07/05/2018 21:41

Do not negotiate!!

Just say ‘really sorry but no, we want to spend some time as a family and we are just really busy’

She must be getting tax credits so would be entitled to the childcare element ?

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 21:42

stick to your guns OP... or roll over and let her take the piss forever Flowers

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 21:42

I hope none of you ever find yourselves in difficult circumstances and need help. The woman's parents are alcoholics, her ex-partner is useless, she's a single parent in full time education, yet she's being a cheeky fucker for requesting help from family.

Yes, the inheritance boast was out of order, but where is she supposed to find the money for 5 days a week childcare?

FrogFairy · 07/05/2018 21:42

Surely in her situation as a lone parent on a low income she will qualify for tax credits in which case they should cover a large proportion of her child care costs.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 21:42

Ok I'm going to say that sorry we really want to do things as a family of 4 this year, and also I don't want to get pulled over for a child who should be in a car seat.

I found this in the cupboard. I think it's Aldi's - waiting for it to chill. It's gonna be rank isn't it?

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else
OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 07/05/2018 21:43

She may be so short of cash she just can't afford to provide a sleepover. To me, she sounds like someone trying her utmost to provide for her DD- studying, looking at private education, in difficult circumstances.

What part of "She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD" are you having trouble understanding, Cal?

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