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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 07/05/2018 21:43

I would get this thread deleted OP, if your ex sil is on here she is going to know this is about her...!

Nanna50 · 07/05/2018 21:43

As a single parent is there any reason she is not claiming child care costs through Tax Credits or Universal Credit depending on what area she lives in?

SandAndSea · 07/05/2018 21:43

Sorry, it's really not convenient.

Delatron · 07/05/2018 21:43

She'll come up with a response to the car seat thing though. Just keep it a short and firm no and wish her luck sorting something else out.

Fruitcorner123 · 07/05/2018 21:44

I think you might need to say that you would really like to have some time just the 3/4/5 (insert size of your familly) of you as a family and you also don't feel comfortable about not having a car seat.

or you could just say. "let's just stick with the 2 days we've agreed"

She is CF to keep pushing after you've said no. if you back down now it will be on you every holiday from now until the child is 13. Offering a few days every holiday is perfect and is still very generous.

SandAndSea · 07/05/2018 21:44

OP, less is more.

DawnAnn · 07/05/2018 21:47

I would keep the reply as short as possible. Don't mention car seats as she will think of a way around that! Just say something like 'Unfortunately I am unable to commit to anything further than those dates in my previous text x'

OreoMini · 07/05/2018 21:48

CalF123

She’s shouldn’t of been buying designer gear for her child then or wasting money on bitcoin when she could be using that for childcare.

I have ever mon-wed off and I would not look after other people’s kids every Monday constantly in school holidays because they can’t spend there money wisely

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 21:49

OP, I don't know what i would advise you to do, but your latest reply has made me wonder, why does it always seem to be women who step in for useless men?

So SIL runs around trying to organise childcare or cover it herself, and MIL gets asked, and OP gets asked - one woman trying to impose on two other women - all so some twat doesn't have to look after his own daughter for a couple of days?

I totally agree and have spoken on here about how shit BIL is. It will likely be exSIL picking up any holiday club bill as he thinks paying maintenance covers absolutely everything 🙄 however it doesn't change circumstances, and us feeling sorry for her is how we've landed in this mess where it's assumed we'll watch DN with barely a thank you in return.

Re BIL it's a bit of a bone of contention with me as I feel DH picks up a lot of his mess, emotionally and financially, and has done for years and this is just another example and it has to stop.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 07/05/2018 21:49

Don’t get why she isn’t get decent state help with child care costs...

Oly5 · 07/05/2018 21:49

Don’t say you want to just be a family of 4.. she’ll take the hump. Say “sorry but we can only do those two dates I mentioned. Really hope you can sort something else out. Send dNiece our love, (our daughter) says hi!”
Then don’t engage anymore.. don’t mention car seat, she’ll push back!

Sierra259 · 07/05/2018 21:49

Agree with pp. Don't give reasons, just a short, sweet "really sorry, but we can only do the dates I mentioned". Otherwise she will just keep trying to find ways round your excuses.

InspMorse · 07/05/2018 21:51

Something like this is in order!
'I can do the two dates in July, I'm sure you'll work out what to do for any other childcare you need -sorry I can't commit to anything else this year'

InspMorse · 07/05/2018 21:52

Agree! Don't give reasons!

sallythesheep73 · 07/05/2018 21:52

Just dont reply.

Sofabitch · 07/05/2018 21:53

Is she a single parent...and a student?

If so. Firstly she can claim hardship payments from her uni...they can be quite generous up to 3-4k a year

Secondly as a single parent she will def get student finance childcare at 85% of her childcare costs.

I do feel sorry for her though. Sounds like she is trying to better herself. And I'm a big fan of it takes a community to raise a child. But then maybe I'm a cheeky fucker.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 21:53

I would get this thread deleted OP, if your ex sil is on here she is going to know this is about her...!

I'm not worried, I once advised her to go on MN for financial advice and she said she wouldn't 'touch it with a shitty stick' as it's full of whingeing thick mums who hate men.

It was very hard not to take that personally Confused

OP posts:
tinytemper66 · 07/05/2018 21:54

Don`t negotiate with her. some of the recent above posters have written sound advice!

LostinMedici · 07/05/2018 21:56

Its the style of it - there are attempts at reciprocity and gratitude that have never been made.

I agree op, I bet she feels you ought to help her as BIL is so useless, and you’re his family but the obligation is his and not anyone else’s.

InspMorse · 07/05/2018 21:57

I do feel sorry for her though. Sounds like she is trying to better herself. And I'm a big fan of it takes a community to raise a child. But then maybe I'm a cheeky fucker.

Hmm CF doesn't help OP at all.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2018 21:57

She hasnt actually requested anything.
She hasnt asked if op wants to do it she just assumed.
Its never occured to her op might like time with her dd on thier own like all parents do. 6 weeks of constantly having another child to share your mum with is a lot for a child. Why should she be housebound all summer? Its not her fault ops sil is a selfish cf.

As a single parent who works she will be able to claim up to 70% of childcare costs. She can manage the rest herself like the rest of us had to.
She hasnt offered a bean towards her dds care in years and spent all the money she saved on expensive crap she didnt need or lost it on stupid investments.
Its time she stopped expecting others to carry her bad decisions and parent her own child.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 07/05/2018 21:58

Cop onto yourself Calf. Someone who genuinely needed this level of family assistance in order to get by would actually show appreciation and nurture the relationship. The Op hasn't had so much as a text since minding the child during the Easter break, todays wasn't even a request but an assumption and the person expecting this has in no way reciprocated.

This child also has a father who is presumably legally entitled to annual leave so between her parents they could consider arranging to cover school hols between them, with maybe the occasional club and a couple of days help from family or friends here and there. You know like lots and lots of us have to do?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 21:59

I'm not sure what she claims TBH and don't like to ask, but I feel like if I suggest it she'll have an answer back about why we should watch DD anyway.

My latest reply:

We really want to spend some days out just us 4 this year, we don't get to do that very often. Also wouldn't want to take DNiece anywhere without a car seat just in case! I'm sure as a student you can get childcare cost help, one worth looking in to? Sorry, hope you get something sorted and I'll pencil those July dates in

OP posts:
Sofabitch · 07/05/2018 21:59

Maybe a little unrelated. But Mumsnet is this weird place...where you get bashed for being poor or having low expectations...but then everyone thinks asking for help is a major no no. You become a CF for asking for help. (Although in this case I suspect its the lacking gratitude)

Its a weird mentality of well I overcame xyz so the rest of the world should or they are underserving.

Here in mums net land...everyone has to work full time only in a job that is going to have majorly increasing prospects...so you need to better yourself, but you're never allowed to claim benefits of ask anyome to have your children.

Its like a twighlight zone of shit

TheMonkeyMummy · 07/05/2018 22:00

I would be honest, and that you are feeling taken for granted.
This is a family member, not a neighbour you can avoid.

Maybe you could work out a mutually beneficial arrangement but no more assumed free childcare.

Good luck x

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