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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
DailyMailFail101 · 07/05/2018 20:46

Definitely say ‘No’ if it’s not what you want to do then don’t do it. It’s so tiresome looking after other people’s kids.
I won’t look after my Niece anymore or have her overnight because it’s never returned, nobody has ever looked after my children, I felt like a doormat as I bet you do too.

FASH84 · 07/05/2018 20:48

The SIL could've easily said I want to work five days a week over summer, I know you work three, if I have all the kids one day could you have all the kids one day as DM/MIL has them one day too it means we both get two days a week childcare. Firstly this is a request not a demand and secondly she's offering some reciprocal support. As it stands she's been taking OPs good nature for granted for too long. I've been a full time student and had more free time than someone who works three full days a week and has children to look after

sauvignonblancplz · 07/05/2018 20:49

Oh my oh my!!!!!!!
I have an acquaintance like this; she expects all family members to provide childcare for her kids so she can work & gym & get eye lashes done. Very entitled , I’m always like Hmm when listening to her.

Juells · 07/05/2018 20:49

deluded CF

😂

Ginger1982 · 07/05/2018 20:49

Cal, how about the fact the mum blew her money on Bitcoin and designer clothes? Hardly prioritising properly. If you would honestly do for your ex SIL (not even your own brother's ex wife but your husband's brother's ex wife) what you seem to think OP should happily do then you are a CF too.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 20:50

I have a reply!!! Edited to change names of course.

Ah right. That screws it a bit for me as I won't be able pick up any shifts on Mondays and Fridays. But yes if you could take her those 2 days please that would be grand. I've looked at that link for DS Nursery and there's absolutely no way I can afford £26 a day how is that reasonably priced!

(No kisses!!)

I replied -

That is good for holiday clubs round here. Hope I'm not overstepping the mark but will you not have your money from your Mum and dad by then? Could BIL not take some days off at work?

(No kisses, but I never give anyone my kisses Grin)

In wine related news, DH text from the shop. They are out of white wine 😨😨 fucking BBQ crowd took it all throughout the day. Bastards.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2018 20:50

Well damn!!! I wish I'd known that I should have expected my SAHM sister to provide free childcare for my two. Would have saved us loads in nursery fees.

Hmmm, perhaps I should invoice her for the fees. After all if I should have expected it, surely she should have known to offer it!!!!!

🙄

😆

Gaelach · 07/05/2018 20:51

Good for you OP!

Petalflowers · 07/05/2018 20:51

Well done on sending the email.

Calf - op has provided childcare for several,years running. It’s the expectation that op will provide it again that is annoying, maybe if she had asked differently “Are you able to help out with childcare this year”, rather than assume op will provide childcare, also, there is no reciprocal,offer of childcare .

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 20:52

OreoMini

She may be so short of cash she just can't afford to provide a sleepover. To me, she sounds like someone trying her utmost to provide for her DD- studying, looking at private education, in difficult circumstances.

Teggun · 07/05/2018 20:52

It appears you have selective reading cal. So often the characteristic of someone stirring things on a thread ....

nordicwannabe · 07/05/2018 20:52

I'm with the (few) posters who say to consider the relationship with your niece (more so than BIL and ex -SIL). You say that the girls spend a day together at their grandmas, but coming to yours is a much more powerful way of strengthening the relationship - and with your whole family, not just your DD. It's an important relationship, worth the effort. And if BIL and ex-SIL are as flakey as they sound, having strong family ties will be even more important for your niece.

BUT - I'd certainly be trying to make it more reciprocal. It's perfectly reasonable to say that you'd like to save on childcare too, so lets put in dates for her to be looking after DD at the same time. Presumably your DS nursery is already paid for, so it's very easy and obvious to each do the same number of days looking after both girls (and costs even out that way too).

Assuming you actually want her to look after your DD on your working days? If you don't - for whatever reason - then just reduce the number of days you look after your niece (all your non-working days is too much!) But do keep some semi-regular involvement.

Petalflowers · 07/05/2018 20:53

Minimum wage is approx. £8 (for over 25 years), so £26 day fee is only 3-4 hours work. Therefore, if she works four hours or more, she is quiet in.

Teggun · 07/05/2018 20:53

It a fucking great leap from not having a pot to piss in to private education cal

headinhands · 07/05/2018 20:54

She will be working full time. The OP doesn't. It's a perfectly normal and reasonable request to ask for childcare

No that's not on. If I'm not working it's because I have chosen to spend that time on other things. You can ask but don't expect people to give up time they have dedicated to other things to look after your children so you can work.

Sierra259 · 07/05/2018 20:55

Her reply is classic. "Woe is me, you're putting me in a really difficult position etc etc". Good reply from you, stick to your guns and keep it bright and breezy without offering anything else.

notapizzaeater · 07/05/2018 20:55

How very dare they run our of white wine,

She could,always offer to have yours in return ....

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 20:55

Presumably public transport exists in the OP's part of the world

Ha! Nope. When I say rural I mean rural. Not everyone lives in central London you know.

OP posts:
CocoPuffsInGodMode · 07/05/2018 20:56

What often strikes me with these threads is that just a little bit of appreciation from the person receiving the favour would go such a long way and in many cases would actually mean the arrangement carries on. Lots of families do this type of favour for a sibling or adult dc quite happily and often without any payment where they can afford to.

If you're the person getting the favour surely it occurs to you that once in a while offering to have relatives dc so she and DH can have some time child free might be a good idea? Or that occasionally you might insist on giving money to cover a treat for all the dc? Or that every so often a bottle of wine/cream cake at collection time might be a nice token? The odd "thanks again, really appreciate you having her and she's had a great day" text that evening? I don't understand how people come to take support and assistance so much for granted Confused.

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 20:56

Teggun

She clearly doesn't have the funds for private education yet, otherwise she wouldn't be requesting free childcare. However, the fact that is what she would choose to priorities if she gets an inheritance over things for herself shows her heart is in the right place IMO.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/05/2018 20:56

200k won't last long enough for private school by the sounds of it.

SocksRock · 07/05/2018 20:56

I work part time for mental health reasons. I am not looking after anyone’s kids regularly on the days I need to myself to not break again.

headinhands · 07/05/2018 20:57

Op ask her to cut her hours down so she can childmind your dc. The fucking cheek!

myrtleWilson · 07/05/2018 20:58

CalF - awesome work... I love it!

elderflowerandrose · 07/05/2018 20:59

Absolutely NO way
You are not the unpaid CM
Time to stop now before it becomes entrenched.

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