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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
Bluesmartiesarebest · 07/05/2018 23:34

I think cal should do the free childminding for your DN (unless she is actually the CF SIL)

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/05/2018 23:46

It might be a good idea to work out what you will do if she just drops her child off on the first day of the holidays.
It doesn't sound like she is taking your refusal seriously at all. It sounds like she is humouring you with the "let you know" comment and will at the very least then say she couldn't sort anything out (and obviously expect you to pick up the slack).

Mydogmylife · 07/05/2018 23:51

Apart from the 200k inheritance cal

expatinscotland · 07/05/2018 23:57

STOP engaging with her or giving her a chance to chip away with 'any chance'. If you don't have the backbone to say 'No, just the two days' using one of the suggestions here, then you shouldn't reply back at all.

HeebieJeebies456 · 08/05/2018 00:03

It's not just bil who's an irresponsible parent - sil is too for constantly palming off her dc to you and mil for free childcare.

assumed she was still on the breadline. BIL also pleads poverty.....Re BIL... DH picks up a lot of his mess, emotionally and financially, and has done for years
So both of you have been enabling them for years....stop it!
They're not going to make the right/wise choices with you lot always bailing them out.
They've had these few years to sort themselves out financially but they choose not to....instead they put their own selfish wants first.

You and your dh need to stop being doormats

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 08/05/2018 00:06

It's not just bil who's an irresponsible parent - sil is too for constantly palming off her dc to you and mil for free childcare.

TBF MIL is his Mum, he is the one palming DN off.

OP posts:
bathildab · 08/05/2018 00:12

OP yanbu of course to put a stop to this. On the other hand you seem to quite like your DN and the bond between your two girls and your DN will definitely lose out if you say no. I agree this is not your problem but you seem fond of her and it is not having her per se that's the issue, just her mother's entitled attitude.
I agree I would give a list of a few dates that suit you and say otherwise you have plans and holidays booked.

UserV · 08/05/2018 00:17

Why the hell would ANYone want to go to a shithole like DUBAI for a holiday???

misses point of thread........

CalF123 · 08/05/2018 00:34

@Mydogmylife

There wasn't and never will be a £200,000 inheritance.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/05/2018 00:46

The "I'll let you know" comment is worrying. Sounds like she's still expecting you to bail her out if she 'can't find anything'.

I'd reply "Oh, that's ok. You don't need to let me know anything. It's your deal to handle." or words to that effect to let her know that you're done with the issue.

woollytights · 08/05/2018 06:04

Well, at least she's bloody trying. As well as studying and putting in the hours at work. The dad sounds an absolute useless twat. Isn't he bothered where his daughter goes?

I can kind of see how someone can fall into a pattern of expecting childcare when it's how they've always done things - however badly judged this was. Even though she's getting a pasting on this thread, I just can't get annoyed at her.

StealthPolarBear · 08/05/2018 06:26

"
Yesterday 22:51 Delatron

Wow to the 'I'll let you know'.

She's opening the door to coming back with 'sorry couldn't sort anything out, please have her"

I suspect that woukd be the first 'please'

youarenotkiddingme · 08/05/2018 06:30

Give her 2 dates your available and then ask her if she's available on a few dates and can have yours then?

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 08/05/2018 06:40

Sil needs to speak to her ex about pulling his weight more. He can either take a day off or fork out for the kids club.

SunnyCoco · 08/05/2018 06:48

Its always best to avoid too many excuses and explanations as people try to solve the problem (eg “she can just use a seat belt”)

Don’t give any more reasons just say no!

LaContessaDiPlump · 08/05/2018 06:50

I'd text back "Sorry but I'm not sure there is anything to let me know about; as I've said, we can't do regular childcare this year. You and BIL will have to sort out an alternative as we are not available. Sure you'll get something sorted, there are loads of professional childcare providers out there!"

Bit PA but hopefully makes the point!

InspMorse · 08/05/2018 06:54

Will her next message be:
I've borrowed/been given/bought a car seat! When shall I drop it round? Are Mondays/Fridays ok now?'

Sierra259 · 08/05/2018 06:58

I think she'll now leave it until closer to the holidays, and then get back in touch saying she couldn't find anything so please can you have DN as it's now an emergency, to make it even more uncomfortable for you to say no. I would plan at least one long weekend away and a couple of day trips on Mondays/Fridays so you have a cast-iron reason to decline if she does try it on at short notice. I think it's important you put your foot down now, otherwise you'll be asked to provide free childcare the entire time her DC is in school. Doing odd days where you can is lovely, but I think they have to start learning that they need to use their own annual leave to cover some of it, and put some money aside regularly to pay for holiday childcare. It sucks, but that's life with school aged kids!

PoppyFleur · 08/05/2018 06:59

The money wouldn’t bother me but the lack of thought in never reciprocating childcare, or offering a gift of thanks or a token amount of cash would bother me greatly. You are not their unpaid childcare.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 08/05/2018 07:11

I agree with lacontessa because otherwise she's going to need you as an 'emergency' when neither of them have bothered to arrange childcare.

Delatron · 08/05/2018 07:12

Agree, she'll now wait until the week before and then claim it's an emergency.

The 'I'll let you one' comment is setting this situation up nicely.

Delatron · 08/05/2018 07:12

'I'll let you know' not one!

icelollycraving · 08/05/2018 07:17

I knew the inheritance thing was nonsense.
If pushed then tell her why it’s an issue. It’s not reciprocal, it's expected.
If I’m understanding this correctly, why is your dh not telling his brother to get himself together.
When I wasn’t working I did help my sister out a few days a week but she was appreciative and helped me in other ways.

Appuskidu · 08/05/2018 07:20

Hmm-I don’t like the sound of ‘I’ll let you know’

maymai · 08/05/2018 07:20

She's lucky to have had your support so far, despite the reasons behind it all you deserve to choose how you spend your time and it's a huge commitment each holiday. Her child, her problem to sort.

You've done the right thing.

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