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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to summer holiday childcare even though she'll have to pay someone else

473 replies

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 18:57

We have a neice who is 7 (she is DH’s brother’s little girl). Over the years we have looked after her quite a lot during the school holidays or when they have no other childcare. Her parents (who have been split up for some time) are always skint, and are vocal about this, which is one of the reasons we help out.

I don’t really mind looking after her, I only work 3 days a week and my own DD (5) gets on really well with her. I was on maternity leave last year and in the summer holidays I watched her 2-3 times a week, every week. I think it’s important to point out that there has never been an offer, from either parent, to look after our DC in return. when the schools are off DD goes to holiday club for £26 a time (on top of £50 a day Nursery fees for DS).

Ex-SIL is now a student and, like BIL, terrible with money. She blew her student maintenance grant on investing in Bitcoin (after it crashed) and on designer clothes for her DD (which are now being flogged on Facebook). She asked me to look after DN in the Easter holidays, to which I said yes and did so on my days off. She wasn’t at Uni but works in retail on a casual contract so was ‘desperate’ (her words) to work and earn some money.

When she came to collect her on the last day I looked after her, she was bragging about how her parents are selling their house and giving her her inheritance early, and how she is going to take her DD on 4 holidays (including one to Dubai) and put her in private school.

She does have a form for huge exaggerations so I’m not sure if this is true or if she will get the amount she claims she will (£200k). I'm not sure when this money is falling into her lap.

She has text today asking if she can ‘book us in’ now for summer holiday childcare, and said it would be easiest to know which Mondays and Fridays (my days off) I can’t do and work it that way.

WIBU to tell her to FOTTFSOFAFOSM? This may sound petty but I don’t see why some of us should have to pay through the nose for Nursery and holiday clubs, when she apparently has all this cash to flash yet wants us for free childcare. Like I say I don’t mind looking after DN, but it’s restrictive as we have to stay in the house (rural and car not big enough for 3 car seats), I make her breakfast lunch and dinner (paid for by us) and if we do somehow make it out we pay for activities, suncream, ice lollies etc. Not a penny is ever offered (but I don't begrudge it either). Are they (I include BIL in this because, whilst Ex-SIL orchestrates it, BIL is hardly forthcoming with gratitude or help) a pair of CFs, or am I being childish?

I won’t really to her to fuck off but I do feel like replying to say sorry can’t do any childcare at all in the holidays. It hasn’t been agreed beforehand BTW, I think they've assumed because we’ve done it every year for the last 3 years, we'll do it this year.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 07/05/2018 22:01

Op thank you for making it clear right from the op that you hold thev child's father equally (or more) responsible. It's great to read a cf thread that doesn't descend into "her child her problem... She should look after her own children for a change" etc. :o

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 22:01

CocoPuffsInGodMode

Lots of us also care for our young relatives over the holidays as we enjoy spending time with them and don't see them as cheeky fuckers for daring to ask a favour of a family member.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2018 22:07

Oh ffs.
What you and your halo do in every holuday is your business Calf its nothing to do with anyone else.

I would not want to be responsible for someone elses child 2 days every week for the whole hols. What if op wants to take her own blooming child to something that's only on a Monday or Friday? "Ooh sorry dd we cant go cos x will be here every sodding week."
Why should the whole familys holidays revolve aroynd sil selfishness. She can get child care paid for her ffs if she got her finger out and claimed it.

eddielizzard · 07/05/2018 22:07

the problem is if you give her an excuse she'll argue round it. best thing is to just say

'so sorry i can't help you out this time ever again. it's just not going to work for us.'

keep it short. she's being so unreasonable and ungrateful and if she can't see that then there's nothing else to say.

Willow2017 · 07/05/2018 22:08

Years and years of free childcate8is not a favour.

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 07/05/2018 22:12

Calf that's your choice. The Op gets to choose to say no!

Sofa asking for help is not what makes someone a CF (although I accept that some posters love a CF thread and get carried away Hmm). What makes it cheeky fuckery is assuming ongoing help of 2-3 days per week in school holidays, planning your finances based on the assumption of free childcare (bit coin "investment" and designer clothes for a 7 year old) and only getting in contact when you want something. How could people not get fed up in this scenario?

snewname · 07/05/2018 22:14

Perhaps offer one or two extra days as a compromise as she duress seem in a bit of a bind, but definitely no more. Maybe she'll be more appreciate now.

StealthPolarBear · 07/05/2018 22:15

Yes I agree. If we had an emergency I have family members I know would pul out all the stops to help. I appreciate they don't have to but tbh if they didn't try I'd re evaluate how close I thought we were (and I'd reciprocate of course). But that doesn't make them my default child carer for evermore!

Gemini69 · 07/05/2018 22:16

you shouldn't have mentioned the car seat Hmm

CalF123 · 07/05/2018 22:23

Coco

The bitcoin was obviously stupid in hindsight, but again I think it was something done out of concern for her DD's future. The 'designer clothes' could have been one top bought from TK Maxx. Designer clothes are often not much more expensive than 'standard' clothes especially if bought in sales.

GreenTulips · 07/05/2018 22:26

Lots of us also care for our young relatives over the holidays

SIL doesn't

MsPavlichenko · 07/05/2018 22:30

I'd not reply again. Otherwise she'll chip away. You are already feeling guilty for no reason. You have saved her hundreds, possibly more in childcare already. It hasn't helped he as in fact she has a completely unrealistic approach and understanding of the actual costs involved. Which may be why she is so unappreciative. This wake up might actually help her in the longer term. And in my opinion no need to apologise, again this suggests you are not entitled to say No. With no explanation required.

In terms of spending time with the wee one, that is different but nothing to stop you having her to play/stay. But not as childcare, and not at only her convenience. Same with babysitting for a night out or whatever.

Enjoy your summer!

mickeysminnie · 07/05/2018 22:30

If she works retail can she work weekends while your bil has his daughter?

Petalflowers · 07/05/2018 22:30

Calf - are you the sil?

billybagpuss · 07/05/2018 22:30

But there's asking for help and completely taking the piss.

I helped my friend out throughout the primary school years for her 2 DC's over the holidays. She paid for swimming courses for them (they got to wear a commonwealth gold medal) she sent money every now and then for her kids to take mine out and oddly there was always enough to cover me too. We had arguments with her DS about why he should eat my runner beans from the garden, he's 19 now and still not keen. If I took them out for the day she would insist on providing the picnic. They always gave a gift or two throughout the summer and I got to spend time with my friend when she picked up.

I always felt appreciated and our kids always had fun together.

PS OP, if you're drinking red wine you need to push the bottle spend to slightly more pounds per bottle otherwise it really does taste like crap. For some reason cheaper white doesn't taste so bad.

HettySunshine · 07/05/2018 22:31

CalF123, what if the op and her family want to go away for a couple of long weekends? Should they not do so because cf exsil will have to look after her own child?

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 07/05/2018 22:34

Cheeky Fucker update - she's said ok she'll try and sort something else and will "let me know" (about?). I'm leaving it at that.

Wine update - tastes like pish. Considering LTB

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 07/05/2018 22:35

The 'designer clothes' could have been one top bought from TK Maxx.

Dont you think if op had meant sil bought one top in tkmaxx she would have said so?(or not as thats not worth mentioning) as it is she said "clothes" plural as you yourself quoted. And "which are now being sold on fb".

Never seen someone so determined to twist things to thier own idea of a situation despite all the evidence to the contrary 🤔

billybagpuss · 07/05/2018 22:35

No you don't need to LTB just Educate him ETB Grin

CocoPuffsInGodMode · 07/05/2018 22:37

Ok Calf you carry on finding ways to justify the behaviour of one person you don't know and turn those into reasons why another person you don't know should pick up their slack. Whatever keeps you entertained Hmm.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2018 22:37

Good op, it certainly sounds like she takes advantage, and that you are no longer happy with the arrangement. Op has every right to say no at any point.

PetulantPolecat · 07/05/2018 22:38

I think you really need to reply... ? Not sure what there is to let me know about. Good luck sorting it out. I’ve given you plenty of notice, so I don’t expect you to take the piss ringing me up all summer for “emergencies”

Willow2017 · 07/05/2018 22:39

She will come back and say she cant though.

You need to spell it out. Tell her about student/tax credit help with cc and to she must claim it. Say you look forward to seeing dn on x and y dates as arranged. If you dont she has a foot in the door to guilt trip you if she doesnt bother to check out financial help for cc.

Eminado · 07/05/2018 22:41

@Calf123


Yes, the inheritance boast was out of order, but where is she supposed to find the money for 5 days a week childcare?”

Do you think people who pay for childcare for their own children have perfect lives?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 07/05/2018 22:41

Isn't it awful that dps have to sort their own childcare out????!
Cf that she is!!

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