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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil · 07/05/2018 21:54

I've just come out of a similar situation except me and my now ex boyfriend had both been split up from our spouses for 6 and 3/4 years respectively. My youngest adored him and his 2 kids. My older girls couldn't stand them be wise of how they behaved but liked him. They were relieved when I dumped him because it meant they never had to see them again. They'd only met them a handful of times too.

I posted similar to you months ago and was told it just wouldn't work and that it wasn't fair on my kids. I was very upset but everyone was right. Turns out he was quite abusive and that's the main reason I dumped him but his kids and their awful behaviour was a major factor.

I'd also say that if you both only left your spouses in the last year then you need time to heal and work through why your marriages ended. Rebound relationships can be fun but not good for kids at all. It's all too soon.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2018 21:59

A lot has happened in his life, also he is an only child and HE, and hasent had the same social experiences as yiur chikdren. Take a step back and go slowly for now.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 22:00

I agree not the same school as your kids,it’s too enmeshed.too complicated
You need distance from this chaos not roped in
If his son is at your kids school he’ll rope you in,collections. Seeing you're there already. You’ll be expected to help settle seeing yiu know the school...
Let him chose another school,and if it’s private catchment won’t be an issue
And hang on, how are the logistics of this new school going to work?
Your bf work 9-5 will he drop off at school then travel to work
Will there be Afterschool
What happens during summer hols, will the parents book summer club?

cestlavielife · 07/05/2018 22:03

He needs to take child away from this and sort it out. Get help. Child can see mother safely maybe ss will think contact centre. The whole thing is neglectful. Both parents are neglecting. Like other working parents dad can use proper childcare.
Child needs support and probably psychological support to get a normal existence.

The child needs help.
The parents need help to stop neglecting this child.
Maybe a family group conference
organised by ss to put some things,into effect.
You can't solve this.... poor child.

The dad needs to take charge and be a proper parent. Now you can see why child likes you as a adult who gives him attention. Because his mum is not. And dad takes him every day to be neglected...

Child may have issues but they may be caused by the upbringing .... he will need a lot of help but it s not too late...it will be if left for longer.

LiteraryDevil · 07/05/2018 22:05

Jesus Christ, i wouldn't be dating him, I'd be calling social services about his son being neglected by BOTH parents! Children have to be educated by law. He's not being educated at all. He's being neglected by his mum because she's sleeping all day leaving him to his own devices. Who feeds him?? Then his dad is neglecting him by allowing this shit show to happen. I am stunned that you would get involved with anyone who is such an appalling excuse of a parent. How could you possibly want him involved in your DCs lives? Are your standards so low?? I'm stunned. Absolutely stunned. Poor kid needs parenting.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 22:10

I cannot fathom how you can remain intimate & in relationship with this neglectful errant man
You’re complicit in all of this.hes NOT loving or kind.at all
I appreciate you’ve had a ghastly marriage and your confidence eroded
But on this your judgement is well off,and you’re priorities are skewed.your protecting this dreadful man

Imustbemad00 · 07/05/2018 22:13

I’m not sure if I’m reading this wrong, can you clarify, is it the boys Mum or Nan that ‘looks after’ him during the day?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/05/2018 22:17

I would slow down and try to have kid free dates and give yourself a 6 month review

It sounds awful and non fun for everyone involved really

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 22:23

Agree with viques he shouldn't go to the same school as OP's dc, that could create more issues. In any case, with his lack of socialisation and bizarre routine he can't be expected to adjust to full-time schooling overnight, it needs a more specialised approach.

Perhaps, as op mentioned earlier, a nanny could help transition to a healthier routine and help with part-time school attendance initially.

LiteraryDevil · 07/05/2018 22:27

I've never read a thread and wanted to slap the OP as much as I do right now. Just listen to yourself ffs making all these excuses. You are with a man who is abusing his child. Anyone in their right mind would have dumped him long ago and reported to SS. You don't need to know what's mum lives because you know where he lives and they will get their info from there onwards. Shame on you OP and all your pathetic excuses for not acting sooner and for exposing your kids to this man and leaving that poor little boy in the hands of these excuses for parents. That boy is suffering and you post for relationship advice. Jesus fucking Christ. You disgust me.

Lifechallenges · 07/05/2018 22:29

I’m now even more horrified that you are wealthy enough to send your own two DC to prep school; some thing we’d love to afford but can’t despite both of us working in decent FT jobs. At the same time you watch your BF neglect his own child.
I can only imagine that any prep school is full of rounded well adjusted DC and possibly competitive.
Is this right for a child who is likely to be developmentally delayed due to neglect???

FranticallyPeaceful · 07/05/2018 22:30

I know lots of HE families, some that don’t attend social meet ups, and none of them act like this...

is it possible he’s on the spectrum at all? It’s worth knowing when learning how to deal with how he’s acting.

I think it’s very unfortunate to put your kids through this if they aren’t doing anything wrong. I think your boyfriends son needs a good talking to and some proper parenting and to be told his behaviour is completely unacceptable and I think you should slow it down until he’s ready to blend families, as right now he clearly isn’t there

TatianaLarina · 07/05/2018 22:34

Realistically a prep school is not going to take a boy with behavioural issues who has had zero socialisation.

It seems very naive of your bf to think that this would work without some kind of assessment and potentially a bit of rehabilitation work. It would be extremely stressful for his son to even attempt it. And that’s assuming he’s not actually SEN.

Lifechallenges · 07/05/2018 22:34

Frantically you clearly haven’t read the thread. The poor child is a victim of neglect and abuse in effect

Lifechallenges · 07/05/2018 22:37

If this story is real then I can’t see BF suddenly registering the child for prep school and paying fees etc TBH

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/05/2018 22:39

Gawd read the updates

OP I do feel for this child and it’s no wonder he behaves this way

I know you will have had the shit kicked out of you on this thread - but you are probably the sole person who might be able to intervene for this child

cestlavielife · 07/05/2018 22:42

In case you missed it.

" His mum works all night, my bf works all day. They live in separate houses. As his mum works all night, the child is left to his own devices during the day, mainly playing computer games/tablets/tv. The little boy doesn't go to bed until like 2am and sleeps to about 2pm. My bf drops him off still asleep at his mother's every morning, where she is also asleep as she has come off the night shift. She wakes up around 4/5 and my bf picks his son up again at 5.15. So she gets approx. 45 mins on average awake time with her son a day.

I know this set-up sounds crazy,""

It s not "crazy" or hippy/alternative......it s just neglect. How do you know child sleeps 12 hours from 2 am to 2 pm ?

LiteraryDevil · 07/05/2018 22:43

Lifechallenges OP's latest update about the sudden decision for the child to attend a private prep school screams bullshit to me and makes me doubt the whole thread. I pray it IS all bullshit as I think most of us are very worried about that poor little boy.

cestlavielife · 07/05/2018 22:45

If he can afford prep school why is he so worried about paying after school childminder or home tutor or nanny ?

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 22:46

I don't see how the fact I can afford prep school for my children has any impact on my bf's kid. I personally wouldn't move my kids from HE to state school. As feel the child to adult ratio would be too high. My STBXH and I work really hard to be able to afford it.

I am not just doing nothing, I am asking people for advice and trying to help my bf find a solution. I obviously didn't know the full extent of all this until more recently and now I do I am encouraging my bf to take action. Feels like a bit of a witch hunt now, so bowing out now and will let the rest of you argue it out.

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 07/05/2018 22:47

Okay I actually read the replies- he isn’t being home educated at all. Why would you use the term HE? If you HE yourself, surely you would know this isn’t it? There are many ways to HE,but this isn’t one of them.

Sorry I call bullshit on the whole thread. Another attempt of jabbing HE no doubt

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 22:48

If you want to troll hunt tag MNHQ. This is my life not some game.

OP posts:
Lifechallenges · 07/05/2018 22:49

If anything the BF is just making noises but can’t see how he’s suddenly going to put is basically feral neglected boy in a prep school blazer and hope all will be fine

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 22:50

He was taught to read, write and do maths at home. I presume this is why they have labelled themselves home educators. It isn't my place to tell people how they identify.

OP posts:
FranticallyPeaceful · 07/05/2018 22:51

Most kids are taught to do this at home. Why would this equal Home educated? You seem to be confused between home educating and basic parenting

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