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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:29

I do also have another child who is almost 6.

OP posts:
Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:29

And I haven't mentioned moving in together, that was another poster.

OP posts:
Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:32

I feel sorry for him too, and I get that a 6.5 year wouldn't want to play with a 3 year old, it is mainly my almost 6 year old we envisaged he would want to play with.

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CrazedZombie · 07/05/2018 17:32

As the 6 year old hasn't got siblings or experience of socializing much, it's not surprising that he is not very good at understanding dynamics. Does the Dad agree that it's his son's circumstances which is making it even harder to blend?

I think that your choices are

  1. Break up
  2. Don't blend families but remain a couple
Is there a reason why his son isn't exposed to other kids much?
FrogFairy · 07/05/2018 17:33

Sorry cross posted.

His mum needs to shape up, HE is not just staying at home all day doing fuck all. I see your point about not getting involved though.

KittyVonCatsworth · 07/05/2018 17:33

Poor kid isn’t used to other kids, probably sharing his dad and being around young kids. I think it can work but it’s going to take a bit of patience and boundaries set between you and your OH.

OliviaStabler · 07/05/2018 17:33

He doesn't socialise with any other children at all

I suspect that is a huge part of things. He is not used to sharing or being with other children so when things are not going as he wants, he has little experience in how to react properly.

Allthewaves · 07/05/2018 17:34

Why did his parents choose to home educate?

I'm presuming you bf is doing his education but he works as well?

It sounds like he's not well socialised. My kids have sen and these issues arise in reception and yr1 when they are trying to learn social rules.

Lilao · 07/05/2018 17:35

You haven't said what the play dates consist of so sorry if I'm going over something you've tried but can you try taking them to a big play park, zoo, adventure place etc as it's something for you to enjoy as a family, but also for the children something they can enjoy individually?

If it's something like toys/ electronics then these age gaps are tricky as their communication and interests are at such different levels.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2018 17:35

I have to say that he doesn't seem to be getting any of the benefits of home education. There's more to education than reading and writing and by keeping him away from others his educational needs are clearly not being met.

Why is his dad so keen to HE, given he's at work and can't do it himself?

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/05/2018 17:36

How can your partner be the main carer for his son when he works and the son is HE by his mother? Are you quite sure they are separated?

And yes, I think the little lad is probably undersocialised and not used to others in his space, but equally, it's a bit of an age gap to expect them to get on. I'm in the 'dial it back a bit, date, but don't involve the kids' camp. Give it a lot longer before you try to blend families.

CrazedZombie · 07/05/2018 17:37

I see you've answered the why he doesn't meet up with children question. Does he have cousins that you can invite round to the play dates? The play dates aren't a bad idea per se but the circumstances that your partner's son has grown up with will make it a lot harder for him than your kids.

Floralnomad · 07/05/2018 17:38

Yoir boyfriends situation sounds quite bizarre and I would think seriously about where you see this relationship going in the future before you invest too much time in it . Btw to the other poster who mentioned it, it is not particularly unusual to not HE all of the children in a family , it depends why they are being HE .

Littlefish · 07/05/2018 17:39

I too would like to know more about the decision to home-educate. Was this decision made on the basis that the child was struggling with his social skills and therefore, finding mainstream school challenging? Or was it made as a positive decision before the little boy started at school.

Whichever way round it was, it sounds to me like your dp needs to get more involved in his child's life. Having him every night isn't good enough, if what's happening in the day isn't right for the child.

CrazedZombie · 07/05/2018 17:40

If your partner won't/can't help his son's socializing, there is nothing that you can do really. Does he see it as a problem?

MsJudgemental · 07/05/2018 17:40

Why is he being home educated? For what reason / purpose? It sounds like they don’t know what they’re doing. I think there is something else going on here.

viques · 07/05/2018 17:47

How do the two older children get on together? I think expecting a six year old who has no experience of younger children to play a game with a little toddler is too much, not many siblings would be happy doing that, but do the two older children have anything in common? Lego, football, swimming,bike riding? If they can slowly build up a relationship based on common interests that they meet up for sometimes then maybe the BF child will gradually come to understand about toleration and kindness towards younger children when you are a bit bigger.

But if as you say he has little experience of playing with any other children I think it is a huge ask for your children to not only take him on as part of a blended family but be the only children who he socialises with so effectively being the ones teaching him HOW to socialise.

For your kids sake I would step back from having the kids together until your BF and his ex have sorted out the muddle they are making for their confused and sad sounding little boy.

iMatter · 07/05/2018 17:52

Does the boy go to his mum's for the day and come back to his dad 12/14 nights?

Is she actually home educating him?

Stormy76 · 07/05/2018 17:52

It might be better to take them all to one of those indoor play places, a zoo or something where the all of the children will be engaged in the activity. Your boyfriends son is struggling with socialisation and it's no surprise if he is not meeting up with other HE kids on a regular basis. Even a park with a play area would be a good idea. Don't give up just yet, the little boy is only 6.5 and is probably confused and struggling with all the changes.

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:54

Ok, this is probably really outing now...

His mum works all night, my bf works all day. They live in separate houses. As his mum works all night, the child is left to his own devices during the day, mainly playing computer games/tablets/tv. The little boy doesn't go to bed until like 2am and sleeps to about 2pm. My bf drops him off still asleep at his mother's every morning, where she is also asleep as she has come off the night shift. She wakes up around 4/5 and my bf picks his son up again at 5.15. So she gets approx. 45 mins on average awake time with her son a day.

I know this set-up sounds crazy, but it isn't my set-up to get involved in. They decided to HE before he was born as they do not like the schooling system. The little boy has lived on 3 continents before settling here. Can I just say, I know this is not a typical HE set-up, which is why I didn't want to initially mention it as didn't want it to be a HE vs School post.

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Quartz2208 · 07/05/2018 17:54

Yes that doesnt sound like home educating and I am confused if he is spending the day with his mum how your boyfriend is the main parent

I think at the heart of it there is a mixed up little boy who just cant cope and needs some help. He just doesnt sound very socialised.

Yes it could be blended and sorted but I think its needs everyone working from the same page and a lot of time and effort. Is it worth it for you and your children - no probably mot

FrankenToast · 07/05/2018 17:55

Have you tried not letting his son and yours play together? I don't mean ever, but for certain things. It's obvious to you that your son is too young to know and understand how to play video games, so why don't you try not letting him play them with your boyfriends son? Take him his own toys and games to play seperately.

However, 6.5 is quite old to be having those kinds of meltdowns. Of course he is still going to have those moments, but you say that happens every single time you're all together. But then all of these things tie in together when you say that he's with his dad for most of the time (therefore losing his mother, effectively). He is homeschooled which will not be helping in terms of socializing etc, especially because your BF is not making that effort to do so. Why is he homeschooled? Is there an actual, legitimate reason for it? And is there a proper reason for him not being taken to socialize with other kids? Being an only child just tops it all off, really.

You don't need to end the relationship, but maybe stop masking the meet ups as "play dates" be honest with your kids. All of them. The 6.5 year old is not as stupid and naive as you and your BF obviously think he is. He will know something is going on. Each of you need to sit them all down, seperately, and tell them. Then work from there. If you do continue to hang out with all of the kids, then make sure it is an age appropriate activity for each child involved. Or if it is at either of your homes, then keep the 3 year old and 6.5 year old on different activities. Your son should be coloring in, playing with cars, playing with play dough. Not playing on a Nintendo Switch with a 6.5 year old. There needs to be improvements from both sides.

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:56

The two older children get on ok, as long as it is going all my bf son's way, if it doesn't then all hell breaks loose also. It is just less of an issue as she is older, pretty laid back and fairly mature for her age.

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CindyLouWhoo · 07/05/2018 17:57

Honestly, it's way too early for you and your kids to have made a new life for yourselves never mind adding other people in. The situation with his son is a mess. It will only end in tears. The boy is being set up to fail miserably and be very unhappy. I'd walk away. The man is a package deal with the boy and that's WAY too much baggage for you and your kids. That isn't going to get better.

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 17:57

I would call him the main parent as she is asleep all the time she has him and he is the one doing the majority of the awake parenting. I dunno how you define it, it is a pretty strange set-up. I am not trying to offend with definitions, just trying my best to explain - sorry.

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