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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trouble with new boyfriend's kids and mine

299 replies

SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 16:43

Ok, I will try and keep this succinct and also not give away any outing details...

So my husband had an affair and left me and my 2 small children (3 and 5) last year. And around the same time, a guy at work went through a similar situation. He is the 'main parent' (sorry if not correct term, no offense is meant) for his son who is 6.5 (i.e. has him for 12/14 overnights etc.) and so am I for mine .

We ended up getting together and are mainly happy, and have gotten to the stage where we are thinking of a future together, so have been slowly introducing my kids to him and his kid to me. This is all going swimmingly and my kids think he is great and his son thinks I am great.

Here comes the problem if you are still reading. His son hates my kids. His child is 3 years older than my youngest and he just can't grasp the fact that my youngest is too little to understand and play the way he wants. As an example, yesterday he was trying to play the Nintendo Switch with my child and he just could understand why my child couldn't press the buttons at the right time. This lead to the mother of all tantrums and him saying he hates us and this is the worst day of his life and he never wants to see my kids again and why can't I just visit on my own.

I know all kids can have there moments, but this sort of interaction happens every time and normally several times a meet up - the melt downs last for around 45 minutes - 1 hour sometimes. My youngest gets quite upset as he can't understand what he is doing wrong and he thinks it is his fault that all this keeps happen.

I guess my AIBU is... should I just give up on this? Or am I expecting too much too soon? Has anyone been in a similar boat and has any advice to share. We try to do things like meet on neutral ground, like the park, or go to his so he feels it is 'his safe space' and we have been to mine. But every meet-up goes the same way. My kids are no angels, but they are good kids and they aren't doing anything 'on purpose' to upset him - if that makes sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 20:39

She used to be really dedicated to it and she was the one who really wanted to HE, I think he hopes she will find that again. He is also scared to rock the boat with her in case she refuses to do any of the parenting, which would leave my bf unable to work.

It all sounds so fucking ridiculous actually talking to other people about it. You are all right, it is not good and it needs to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 20:42

I don't think it is fair to say I am an unloving mother, I have always been there for my kids and have given them the best I can. It takes a while to actually work out what people are really right, you can't label every mother unloving because they accidently get involved with a wrong man. It isn't like he lives with us or see them regularly or has them unsupervised. I can see there is a problem here and I am trying to solve it, cut me a bit of slack. I came for advice and help.

OP posts:
clippityclock · 07/05/2018 20:45

It wouldn't leave your boyfriend unable to work, the boy would need to go to school thats all.

I'm a single parent and I work 9-5 and my son goes to school. When I worked shifts I still managed to get my son to school. There are plenty of single parents with kids that don't give their jobs up!
Sorry but this is massive neglect and it needs to be reported. No way could I go out with a man that treated their kid like this.

OliviaPopeRules · 07/05/2018 20:45

He does want to do more, but it is hard when he works 9-5, and just putting his son into a state school with 30 other kids when he is like this right now doesn't sound like it would be good for him.

It would be a damn sight better than what he is getting now which is no socialisation or eduction. Why the fuck is your bf not insisting he is in school. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks this is acceptable? Caring and compassionate my arse. He is a fucking disgrace.
I would run as fast as you can but not before sharing with SS how that poor child is being neglected.

colditz · 07/05/2018 20:46

It wouldn't leave him unable to work. The child goes to school and to after school club. It's presented as a non negotiable thing that is happening and that is that.

Cupoteap · 07/05/2018 20:47

I don't think you can say a certain period of time and all will be well. Just take it as it comes. Think the switch is out of the question st the moment.

Altwoo · 07/05/2018 20:48

You need to call SS on your boyfriend as he has also, 100% checked out of parenting. Why on earth doesn’t he put his son to bed at a proper time? Why is he dropping him off to a household where he’ll be neglected all day?

This is quite incredible. Your boyfriend is just as to blame on this, and I would be getting him out of my life as soon as possible. But make sure that poor child is safe.

Maxineputyourredshoeson · 07/05/2018 20:51

OP please reach out to someone and be a voice for this little boy. He cannot be left in this situation.

(I have NC for this in case it is picked up by the press and although I’ve spoken about some of my experience on here I would rather it’s not linked to my usual name)

I’m in my late 30’s and after many months of psychiatric help have realised I was neglected as a child. I have a very unwell mum who was divorced from my dad and was surrounded by adults - from my parents to SS who did not help me. I have witnessed things that no child, or adult for that matter, should see. I had the brunt of responsibility placed on my shoulders from a very young age. Yet nobody, not one single person, took any action.

I have had years of mental health issues which have resulted in suicide attempts on my behalf. And psychiatric involvement, I’m still not well, I never will be but I’m as well as I can be.

Boulshired · 07/05/2018 20:56

The treatment of this child is much more important than a relationship between you and his dad. You have two choices get involved or walk away. Do not be another complicit adult in this child’s neglect. There is no one I love enough to let them do this to a child.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 20:59

Your bf son isn’t home educated,he’s not in school and it’s chaotic at home.
Home education has a structure,an ethos and purpose. This boy is left in unstructured chaos
As a result the child has no oppurtunities to socialise,experience boundaries or interact appropriately
This is not the kids fault.the two adults who should give a damn don’t care enough to alter this
Your bf sounds a bit flaky if he tolerates the chaotic parenting.hes part of the problem

Loonoon · 07/05/2018 21:02

Another voice saying that this child is being neglected. You should report to SS or NSPCC. And end this relationship.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 21:03

Posted too early, this warrants a social services referral.its utter chaos,bad parenting
Honestly if if were you I’d report this to social services duty team
Then I’d get the fuck away from your flaky bf before he enacts any daftness on your kids

notapizzaeater · 07/05/2018 21:06

Does you bf realise if someone reported them to,ss they would both be in trouble ?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 21:08

You’re not judging the parenting you’re reporting the home environment
And frankly I’m astonished you’ve held it together with this errant parent for so long
If you have any decency you report this,a vulnerable child in need
And then I’d split up with your bf

InfiniteSheldon · 07/05/2018 21:14

He's not HE he's neglected

GnotherGnu · 07/05/2018 21:16

SS have no remit over education. That comes down to the LEA. They have very little powers to be honest

Not true. SS do have a remit, inasmuch as a child who is not receiving education is, amongst other matters, a neglected child. Combine that fact that he is being left alone all day while his mother sleeps and it's a clear child protection issue.

The Education Department also has powers in relation to home education: they can send inspectors in to see what is being done and, if the reality is that the child is not being educated, they could prosecute as well as taking action to ensure that the child goes to school. The fact that your council is quite hands-off does not mean that will necessarily continue - not least because the Department for Education is now talking about taking much more interest in home education.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 07/05/2018 21:21

Social services don’t deliver education,but they are the statutory agency for children welfare. So the chaotic home environment, a child disconnected from education and the lack of a robust HE plan is most certainly Social Service remit.
Social service can undertake parenting assessment and assess the child individual needs. Conditions can be imposed and monitored

Don’t dismiss what social services can do because you don’t understand it

Ruffian · 07/05/2018 21:21

Doesn't this little boy have any other relatives that care about him? No aunts/uncles/grandparents who are concerned?

He is living this twilight existence with these two pathetic excuses for parents and no one, including OP, can be bothered to intervene?

he wouldn't want 100% custody if it comes down to it. He would rather 50/50 and the boys mum engaged, as every child needs their mum
No child needs a mum who doesn't care about them and the fact that he'd be happy for her to spend more time neglecting their child says everything about him as well.

FASH84 · 07/05/2018 21:36

Surely being at school would help in this situation? Kid goes to bed at dad's normal time, dad drops to school. Mum picks him up from school, has him for a couple of hours, dad collects him to go home. It would solve their childcare issues and help this poor little boy. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man that thought it was ok to keep his child up until 2am, and let him play games on his own all day, without getting an education (I'm not anti actual home schooling btw) and then sit in a room with someone smoking weed (regardless if it's his mother). You want this man in your life and around your children????

Original poster
SWMWAFC · 07/05/2018 21:38

Well, I just called my boyfriend out and after a long discussion he is going to call the prep school my kids are enrolled at in the morning and try and get him in there. He agreed something needed to be done and was really upset. We just hope his mother agrees.

OP posts:
Weezol · 07/05/2018 21:40

This poor boy fits three of the four different types of neglect identified by the NSPCC. Although you don't know of anything medical, I bet he would also fit that too - but since he is kept isolated, how would anyone know?

Go and look at the children you have just put to bed. Now imagine each of them in this boy's life, living as he does.

If you don't report this, who will?

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/neglect/?utm_source=meganav&utm_medium=&utm_campaign=

BlueSuffragette · 07/05/2018 21:42

The child needs support from Social services, his welfare is not being supported effectively. He will benefit from attending a school to support his learning and social skills. Not sure I would want to share my life with a man who is so lax with ensuring his child's needs are met.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2018 21:49

Well, I am glad OP. I'm sure the school will have people on staff who can assist your BF and his DS into integrating into school. It'll be a bit of a shock, but I'll bet he flourishes once he starts getting the attention and socialization he needs.

viques · 07/05/2018 21:49

Please don't put him in the same school as your children, there have been enough changes and comings and goings for both sets of children. The boy needs a space to develop and adjust, it's not fair to him or to your children to do this in a place where they are already secure and settled. Your relationship with his father might not last, that could lead to either a very awkward situation for you both or another change for the boy. There are lots of schools, help your bf to find another.

Nanna50 · 07/05/2018 21:51

Well, I just called my boyfriend out and after a long discussion he is going to call the prep school my kids are enrolled at in the morning and try and get him in there. He agreed something needed to be done and was really upset. We just hope his mother agrees.

And if she doesn't? Is it her that would need to take him to school and pick him up or will your bf arrange childcare? And he's also going to have to sort out his bed time routine.

And now the child will face more upheaval, SS can provide support through partner services, because it really shouldn't need a forum or a third person for both parents to see that they are neglecting their child.